Being talked at rather than talked with

Just interrupt them rudely by saying "I've made my Will at long last - It's divided between Cats Protection and St Twiggywinkles Hedgehog Hospital."

Ha!Ha!Ha!

My mum & sister are guilty of this so it's not an option to cut them out completely!! Although if they were friendship I would because life's too short. We're not involved in each others lives too much anyway so that's helpful. I've always been a listener type so that doesn't help. Although I have learnt to interrupt, which is what all my family do, but I hate doing it because to me it's the height of rudeness, but then so is talking about yourself non stop & at 60 I think I've had enough! So that's the dilemma we all find ourselves in & I don't think it helps listening to interviews & debates on TV because the interviewees & so called journalists are the worst offenders even Andrew Marr who I used to like. It doesn't set a good example does it & doesn't bode well for the future too much talking & not enough listening & most of it is drivel anyway

My lovely neighbour does this all the time, but she is 88 and I do think has earned the right to spout and be listened to. She phones all of us in our close. We really don’t mind and secretly compare the length and content of the call, usually all about the same. But we do love her and her mixed up memories ?

I have a friend who rings to see how I am but all she wants to hear is "Fine, thanks" and then tells me all about herself ....at length.

When I could see 'caller ID' I just let the phone ring.

Now, if she catches me, I press the "audio" button, put the phone on the work bench and go about my business until I hear her say, 'Well, I'll let you go.'
As if she's doing me a kindness when actually she means she wants to go.

I often choose not to answer the phone (they can leave a message) on the basis that the ring sound is only an indication someone has dialled my number, it does not mean I should answer.

I do this if I have a visitor and for 2 reasons:

1. It's disrespectful to my visitor to spend the next whatever time on the phone.
No different, IMHO to messing about with a cellphone when someone is trying to talk to you; an all too prevalent habit these days.

AND

2, I don't want to discuss my personal business, or chat, in front of anyone.

It can be a little disconcerting to a visitor as I let it ring 5 times before the answerphone picks up.

Same with people at the door. The bell rings; it's only a sign that someone has pressed it. It's not a command for me to respond, only a choice. So sometimes I choose not to.

And I don't care if people think I'm as queer as Dick's hatband, I'm old and entitled to my eccentricities.

Oh, Lord, such a PITA, I don't know what you can do. Such people just don't take hints. A dd has a friend like this - highly intelligent professional but she just never shuts up. She bemoans bitterly the fact of still being single and dd has tried to drop a tactful hint - she knows it has scared men right off - but it's water off a duck's back.

Still, I can't help thinking of the opposite types, where it's like getting blood out of a stone.
There was one ghastly pre Christmas party I didn't really want to go to - dh away and it was a long drive, but they were old friends.

I knew not a soul, except the hosts - who seemed to be permanently busy in the kitchen.

Trying to make conversation with some of these people - oh, Lord!

Me - 'Are you going away for Christmas?'
No.
Me. 'Have you finished your Christmas shopping?'
Yes.
Etc. Etc. No throwing the ball back at all.
Nightmare!

Apparently, a family member was most upset when I answered the phone and said 'Are you OK? I haven't got time to chat, I'm just on my way out' then failed to answer my mobile.

I don't want to chat on my mobile when I'm out. That's my choice. They said that yes, they were OK.

Horton 1828

Ha ha that's so funny if you can all share the load & she's Funny it's bearable!! my mum is 83 but she's ALWAYS been the same so can't make that excuse for her except she's getting worse if that were possible never was funny or interesting & it seems its only me she does it to

Notonan

Sounds like your coming at this from a different angle!! The other side of the coin don't know which is worse to be honest

autumnsun I have actually asked people why they have phoned me if they have zero to say to me. I dont want to be dragged into the trap of filling the air with rambling: you want one sided entertainment? Put on the TV or radio! Don't ring me then expect me to "perform" to thin air.

The worst ones are the ones who give monosyllabic replies to your enquiries about them, then ask you about topics in your life but act like you're a bore if you answer with more than 1 word!.

Dont ask after my job/kids/holiday if you then act quietly miffed bored at the answer. You brought up the topic by asking not me. And maybe if YOU took the batton for a bit we wouldnt be having a dull awkward one sided conversation. Because one sided conversations cannot be intetesting. That does not mean that the one making the effort is a bore, conversations just cant be fun/insightful/interesting with only one contributer.

The worst offenders are always the ones to instigate the phone call or the coffee. You sit there looking at their bored/miffed faces or listening to their disinterested thinking this phone call/coffee was YOUR idea not mine!! Why did you bother (and at times have said that out loud).

"listening to their disinterested noises thinking this phone call"

How I agree with your last sentence notanana2 I know someone who does that. Talks at length about herself and her family but is clearly bored by any mention of my life and family. Maybe we are just really dull

Sorry that was for your 13.04 post.

One in particular that I do not EVER phone but who phones me to ask how X Y or Z went or if Ive heard from such n such person makes these awful rude mmmm mmmm mmm mmm noises. Im sorry but that is NOT conversing. You can also hear that they are pottering around their house while on the phone basically using you as a talk radio. If you stop talking they dont take that as a cue to join in, they just ask another open ended question to get you "performing" at them again...
If you say "I'm sorry am I boring you?" (i.e. are you still on the line? I honestly cant tell) they insist that they are deeply interested in how X went... mmm mmmm mmm doesnt to me = interested!

Luckily I have pretty much transferred all communication with this person to whatssap where she has to actually contribute or else the chat goes dead. Usually its dead no big loss (if they were a friend not a relative I wouldnt be in touch at all!)

If you say "but what do YOU think" you get "mmmm yep mmmm I agree with you"

FYI this person thinks they are a FANTASTIC listener

I cant be bothered to tell them anything interesting any more on the rare occasion that I actually DO have really interesting or exciting news.. I want to tell people who will respond! Getting the "mmmm mmm" treatment as a response to big news just feels like getting your chips p*$$ed on!

But yeah.. great listener..

If u think about it all comes down to selfishness that's the bottom line it must have started small & now it's like modern disease because everybody is trying to impress all the time.Im sure a lot of people start off OK but we all have to adapt e.g ( interrupt even if u don't want) just so people don't swallow you whole it's taken me 60 years to learn that(I'm a bit slow) that's the trouble when you were brought up to be polite & to listen to other people Mind you some people are just born like it you can make all the excuses in the world e.g my sister cos we were brought up exactly the same so that's my conclusion

How I agree with your last sentence notanana2 I know someone who does that. Talks at length about herself and her family but is clearly bored by any mention of my life and family. Maybe we are just really dull smile

Maybe they just need to be fixed up with a mmmm mmmm person who thinks phone calls = talk radio! Match made in heaven!

You made me laugh anyway so thanks!!!

autumnsun politeness is ultimately about making others feel comfortable.

Often aloof people dont think they are being rude because they are not doing or saying anything. But it feels awkward/uncomfortable to be in a one sided conversation either because the other person is dominating it or because they are not contributing. Both are equally rude and tiresome for the other person.

I just think it's beginning to be a slippery slope of degeneration of manners it's just got to work for both sides cut & run if u can otherwise you just have to learn coping mechanisms without completely losing your moral compass otherwise they have one

Right but what I'm saying is that a lot of posters on here seem to think that saying nothing and "making noises" = listening and being polite.

It's not. It is quite rude. In an equal though opposite way to dominating a conversation.

This might sound a bit extreme, but bear with me.
The oxygen thief that I have to contend with ( I can't drop her as she lives Close and we're both involved in the same charity) phoned twice last night. First one at 7.30 then again at 9.15.
I ignored both calls. When I see her next time she will demand why don't you answer your bloody phone
I've now decided to tell her that I'm studying for a OU degree and haven't got the time to spend hours on the phone.
I know this sounds extreme but if you knew this woman you would understand that I'm desperate ?

Sounds awful

petra, yes I think you should do just that. They might then phone somebody else instead.

I had a persistent (boring) phoning friend. He'd phone when drunk and lonely, leaving endless slurred answerphone messages. I explained that I don't often answer my phone or mobile to anybody (a white lie, I admit). I said that friends and family either text or email me - which is mainly true.

He still leaves some messages but now emails (never texts) and (when I have the patience) I will phone him back in the morning - when he chats far less and is sober!