Toddlers. TELL don't ASK...

Also asking what they want to wear. Why? Probably why you see children in ankle socks in the depth of winter, and thick tights in the height of summer. Crazy.

There is usually something that the very young ones can have a choice of, which gives them practice in weighing up which they prefer, but sometimes it takes a bit of ingenuity to find that something - which shoe to put on first, which arm into which armhole of a coat, one or two eggs, shop or library first?

As they get older, they cope better with open-ended questions like, "What shall we do today?", which does lay you open to them wanting to take a train to London today and having a tantrum to sort out if they don't understand when that is difficult to arrange.

I feel sorry for the little ones being asked. Asking a toddler in a supermarket what he/she would like to eat is pointless, they usually just point to the nearest brightly coloured food. Then the mum chides them saying, oh you don't want that/it's not good for you/why did you choose that. Either/or suggestions are much easier for little ones to process.

It`s annoying in the supermarket being held up in front of, say, the breakfast cereal stand whilst a very young child decides what the family should have.

Yup, do not ever give a toddler a yes/no choice. It will almost always be no. Giving a choice between two options and arranging a tell, not ask, tends to work better. (I teach pediatric nursing and include this as a technique for students - for example, being examined is not a choice. Order of assessment, or whether to sit on the table or Mum/Dad's lap, is a choice.)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My DD1 was very strong willed so I either gave limited choice eg 2 jumper colours when getting dressed or plenty of warning that we were going out . She could do her shoe buckles up before she was 2 but needed 20 minutes to do it! Lol! It was hard sometimes to be the boss but I managed it with a sense of humour and luckily I am quite patient

She's 15 months Callistemon but she's very advanced
Sounds like my oldest DC who would feed what she didn't want to the dog! Which turned out to be a very wise decision.

Actually, I don't think children should be forced to eat anything they don't want to, perhaps encouraged if you know it won't cause a reaction, but not forced.

I agree. My son's children (he doesn't live with them but sees them weekly) are 8yrs and 4 1/2, and his stepchildren are 9yrs and 5yrs.

All the time, they are being asked "What would you like for lunch/dinner" then to be told, "No, you can't have that, we haven't got it/you had that yesterday"

The same for going anywhere - "Where would you like to go?"

No wonder some children then become angry and frustrated, when given the choice of something, then to be told No.

My daughter often makes two different meals and asks questions ie Do we like tomatoes today?
She and her partner have also negotiated with e children since they were very young. I dont know where parents get the energy.

Toddlers are so cute.

I like the either/or options with our 2 and a half year old granddaughter, as in, ‘we’re going to the shops/park. Do you want to wear your pumps or your new sandals?’

A degree of autonomy and it’s enough.
?

It is not what you say it is the way that you say it. I am sure I often said to my children when small 'Shall we go to the park, and feed the ducks' but usually said in a tone that made it clear that this was an action we were going to do, not one they could offer an opinion on.

I've noticed in my family that toddler GC have been asked things like 'What do you want for dinner?' I don't about you but when faced with that same question, my mind goes blank! Asking an 18mo to make that same decision seems crazy! IMO, offering a choice of two things is a far better way to go, allowing children to develop some autonomy without overwhelming them.

Some things are non-negotiable, too. We don't ask children if they want to sit in their car seat in the car, they absolutely must sit in it.

They do need to make some decisions but the choice needs to be limited.

'Which bed time story would you like?' is fine as it doesn't impact on the family day, but can get boring when the same one is chosen every time.

It's nothing new. I was very critical of friends' parenting techniques 30 plus years ago. I'd cringe as they asked their little darlings what they'd like to do. Making rods for themselves in my opinion.
However they seemed to grow up to be well adjusted adults despite the sappy parents!
Our DGD aged 4, on being taken to a performance, aimed at small children but very scary, said firmly afterwards "you shouldn't have brought me mummy!"

Grammaretto granddaughter sounds so sweet.

Thanks annep1 she is adorable, of course

I always gave my very young children a ‘choice’ eg “would you like your red socks or your blue ones.”. And continued to give those sort of choices (appropriately) as they grew older. I believe it is helpful to give them some choice (but within certain perameters) after all we are the adults and hopefully wiser??. I think that some of today’s young parents are mistaken in putting their children in a position of responsibility, that is the role of a parent! But, hey-ho..modern parenting is very different from what we have been brought up to believe in. However, one thought...my grandmother said that child rearing ideas change from generation to generation but babies/children’s basic needs remain the same!

I had taken my youngest to a party. I was helping out. 30 under 3's. Madness. The child's Mum was desperately trying to ask each child if they wanted green or red jelly which was causing major consternation. I think we'd still be there now had this continued. Another Mum firmly took the bowls out of this woman's hands and just plonked the jellies down in front of the children who decided if they were happy and if not they just swapped.

As a teacher, I can confirm that asking when there is no other option is a bad idea. However we do want children to grow up assertive so there needs to be a balance. So a choice needs to have the right outcome. I therefore incorporate choice as often as I can. I just make sure it isn't do or don't, because children will say no and disrespecting that choice does not make for healthy children. If there isn't a choice, I will fill my voice with enthusiasm and the child with confidence and promise a good outcome. "we need to do phonics now and if everyone does a good job we can all have 5 minutes extra play"

Toddlers like to be given a choice, but both options must be what you want, eg 'would you like Mummy or Daddy to carry you up to bed?'

If you want them to go out, 'which coat/hat would you like to wear to go to the shops?'

I reckoned that if you were firm up to the age of 5 and never gave in to tantrums, then you could relax a bit after that, the respect had been earned!

I agree that choices should only be given when there is truly a choice to be made. Hate when parents "give the impression" there is a choice when there isn't. What does that say to children about whether they really have choices or not?

Part of growing up is making choices – that's what grown-ups do all the time. Helping children to learn how to make choices is to to give them easy options. You don't say "What do you want for lunch?" You say, "Would you like sausages or spaghetti? You don't say, "What do you want to wear? You say, "Would you like the red tee shirt or the blue tee shirt?". These are unimportant things but they give the child a choice.

I trained as a Nursery Nurse in the 60's and the rules on giving age-appropriate choices, in order to teach toddlers they had choices and how to use that power, were pretty much as has been stated above. 'Red socks or blue ones' 'egg or cheese on toast' - provided of course you knew the child actually liked these things. No child was forced to eat what it did not like.

But when I had my second son in 1979 and took him to kindergarten at 2 year old (in those days, mothers stayed and played) the staff gave choices I felt were inappropriate.

'Would you like to help clear up the toys Martin?' resulted in a shake of the head and 3 year old Martin brumming cars along the floor whilst other children and staff cleared up.

So I said to my boy, 'Come on Sweetheart, we'll put the books away.' Which he willingly helped me do.

I was told, 'We no longer TELL children Mrs Bradford, we treat the with respect and ASK them.'

And I thought and look what you're doing to wee Martin, turning him into a selfish brat Nor did I see anything disrespectful in my slightly firmer statement to my son.

There is a world of difference between the "My house, my rules" I was brought up with and putting big responsibilities on the shoulders of little persons.

I was taught and I still believe that guidelines and rules make children feel safe.

If they are going to be able to sway your actions with refusals, tantrums and sulks, then they know you're not strong enough to protect them if they need it.

That's why, as they grow up, they try to push the boundaries - they need to know where and if you'll stop them.

Boundaries can be flexible to a degree and each parent must make its own decisions but giving children too much freedom of choice teaches them there are no limits. That's scary for a child.

It means they are virtually bringing themselves up, rather than having wise guidelines to follow.

And it may well be that in their later years, they will think you didn't care enough to guide and teach them safe decision making, which is so vital in this world.

I always asked my children instead of telling them, even 28 years ago! Sometimes they could do it how they wanted sometimes it wasn’t possible. Such as “what would you like for lunch” they would say something we didn’t have so I would say “ we don’t have that, come and look at what we have and see what you fancy. They learned then that life doesn’t always go your way. It is no life to be controlled on a regular basis surely. My children would sometimes go in a strop if they couldn’t do what they wanted but they got over it. If your GC says I don’t want to go to the shops then they have to learn that there is no lunch or dinner that night. It is good life lessons. I would never feel like offering my parenting skills to my DD unless she specifically asks me what I would do. Why do a lot of Grandparents think their way was right? I trust that I raised my DD well enough to make choices about how she raised her DS.