I could never have imagined this situation

Your situation is not easy and I would say it's a shame he is not using the French medical system, a) a brilliant system b) physically nearer c) easier for your couple. If you are satisfied there is nothing untoward, I would simply adapt and accept the situation and let him be. As some of us nowadays remain married for many years, it is possible that one of the partners sometimes needs a bit more space and freedom without going separate ways. It might just be the case.

he is preparing you to live on your own when he is gone. He has just gone through a harrowing experience with his mother being there for her as she died before his eyes as the person goes along time before they actually die with dementia

Why be so melodramatic? klerg000
Died before his eyes - I considered myself to be privileged to have been with my father throughout his final hours and as he passed away and in the same way, although heartbroken, to be with my darling DH as he slipped away.
So please reconsider your melodramatic turn of phrase which implies some tragic drama.
It really doesn’t wash as either an excuse or a reason.

This bit wouldn’t wash with me RamblingRose He says he doesn’t speak french well enough and with the NHS doctors he can discuss issues in detail.

He could pay in France to take an interpreter with him to appointments - usual cost approx €15 per hour.

Cheaper by far than flights ‘home’.

That said, he’s been gone 3 years....

I think it’s over. Have you asked him directly?

"he is preparing you to live on your own when he is gone. He has just gone through a harrowing experience with his mother being there for her as she died before his eyes as the person goes along time before they actually die with dementia" MawB quoted kergloo.

It is a great pity when a marriage is in trouble for whatever reason, divorce, estrangement, or death. If a man does prepare his wife for a loss of whatever sort I think this is a sign of a good man.

Essentially he is behaving like he is single. Like you are a friend not his life partner.

We can speculate as to whether he is doing so to protect you thinking its a kindness, or doing it to hide things from you and keep you at arms length.

But whichever it is, its not how you act in a marraige!

Yes I agree notanan2

I was a medical secretary and some patients do not want close relatives to know their medical details, and we had to be very careful what we said and check their notes etc. and also never give results over the phone because you couldn't be sure who you were talking to. Early on in the job I got trouble for telling a man's wife I was ringing from xxxx department and he had never told her about his appointment or his condition. My advice to this worried lady is that the only way forward is to find the right time to have a real heart to heart talk, face to face, in a caring and loving way. Often men want to shy away from discussing personal matters, they'd rather talk about football, but I believe talking is the only answer, not crying, not getting angry, not accusing, just getting gently to the heart of the matter.

Agree flaxwoven but you are only taking a small part of this whole scenario. This man has been living in UK for 3 years for various reasons.

I have absolutely no wish to hurt the OP and I really don't think others do either but he seems to have one excuse after another to remain in UK WITHOUT his wife!

Whichever way you look at this - does it really add up to showing consideration for ramblingrose?

Have you made any progress ramblingrose? Have you contacted your in-laws in UK to say you are visiting?

I can’t see anything odd about your DH’s behaviour. My DH would be/do exactly the same. He does things on his terms. Due to the nature of my husband’s work (only recently retired) I spent half my life on my own and I am used to it and even like it. I have to get used to him being always around and find it not easy. So I would find your situation difficult especially with friends nearby.

Sorry, I wouldn’t find it difficult.

No Lumrei except the OP says she is totally unhappy and anxious about it all. Replies are based on this.

Lumarei I wouldn't think your reaction to such a situation - i.e. that there is nothing "odd" about it - is not a common one.

If you have a spouse or a partner, I think it is reasonable to expect to share a fair amount of your time with them - or at least for them not to absent themselves for the best part of 3 years- even in the difficult circumstances described.

You say your partner "does things on his own terms". That sounds pretty selfish to me if it means he goes his own way without considering the feelings of those close to him. You may well be able to deal with that - and perhaps it suits you too. But it doesn't suit the OP.