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Why do I bother?

(55 Posts)
OliverZach Wed 18-Sep-19 06:14:51

Just embarked on an amazing holiday but after 3 days wondering what are life together is all about?
It may be just jet lag but DH seems determined not to interact. He knows I like local info & history but just walks on whenever I find information ( think info boards / blue plaques etc ) however if he finds something interesting, railway sidings, something to photograph, he stops & I, out of politeness or something stupid, stop with him. Why?
This pm I tried to explain that I wasn’t averse to a plan of his & suddenly he flipped it that I was having a go and degrading his plan!
What am I supposed to do except take a deep breath, rant online and carry on?
Please excuse the rant but I’m tired of being the scapegoat but don’t understand why I am?

Pantglas2 Wed 18-Sep-19 06:25:55

Is it the grumpy old man virus they seem to catch every now and again?

I know mine does and we have to have the ‘are you going to be like this all day’ chat - because I won’t tolerate misery/moaning for, ostensibly, no reason. Being horrible at home is one thing but being that way on holiday is unforgivable IMO!

Tell him ‘If I can fix it, I will and if I can’t, I’ll say so and you’ll just have to get on with it! Darling.....’

vena11 Wed 18-Sep-19 06:50:27

Oh dear that's a shame, maybe you could split up for a morning or afternoon and do your own thing and get to see the things you both want .

Persistentdonor Wed 18-Sep-19 07:45:38

Not surprised you are feeling fed up!
Hope today is better for you. flowers

BlueBelle Wed 18-Sep-19 07:56:09

Do you have to do everything together why not part for the morning and meet up for a lovely pub lunch together

Daisymae Wed 18-Sep-19 08:00:24

I guess that the question is what is he like normally? Is this his default stance? If it is then he is not going to change, so the best thing would be to do your own thing and let him get on with it. If not then I would you suggest that you talk to him and ask what the problem is, as it's ruining your holiday. Hope things perk up and you have a great time.

DaisyL Wed 18-Sep-19 10:23:28

Is this a new thing or has he always been like this? What has happened in the past?

knspol Wed 18-Sep-19 10:27:02

My husband has become steadily more Victor Meldrew in the last few years, hardly ever does a positive word escape from his mouth. He's also now into the habit of sulking and may be like this for days on end with never a word. I never know why he lapses into sulks and got heartily tired of living on edge in case whatever I said or did causes another episode. I now tell him that if he's going to act like a spoilt child then that's how I'll treat him and I just ignore him until he 'comes around' again. Not ideal I know but he sulks for much shorter times now.

mischief Wed 18-Sep-19 10:28:26

I don't know about anyone else but day 3 of a holiday always finds me grumpy, but you know your husband, is he always like this?

If it was me I would stop regardless and read what I wanted. He won't want to move off without you, or not far anyway.

crazyH Wed 18-Sep-19 10:31:59

Take a deep breath, rant online and carry on. Thankfully , you have someone to go on holiday with.

jaylucy Wed 18-Sep-19 10:34:41

Having seen several long term marriages over the years, that survived in spite of difference in opinion , and interests, I wonder why it is that when on holiday, we expect to stick to each other like glue?
I would guess that your DH often acts the same way when you are at home -( how many men wander off when we are shopping , for example?) but because you are in a strange place, it is more noticeable.
Suggest that you agree to go off on your own trips - for part of the day and then meet up at lunchtime or for dinner and spend the rest of the day together. If you expect the other to stop doing what is currently happening, I think you 'd be on to a loser and end up with the holiday from hell !

BusterTank Wed 18-Sep-19 10:38:37

It would fill me with dread going on holiday with my husband . We both like different things on holiday and I'm always on edge in case he kicks off other something . So i go holiday with my daughter it gives me a week to get my sanity back . Also gives him a week to realise what his missing ( someone to cook his meals and do his washing . Win win situation .

Riggie Wed 18-Sep-19 10:39:33

Mines the same. Walking down a street he has to stop and read every restaurant menu that is posted outside. Even if it is closed or we wont even be near that town at a mealtime.

He walks faster than me anyway so if I stop to look at something hes usually already soed on ahead. I suppose my advantage is that I'm the driver so he cant leave anywhere without me....

olliebeak Wed 18-Sep-19 10:54:46

I've been going on holiday with my partner of 28yrs since we first got together.

After the very first holiday, we came to conclusion that we should not be afraid to split up for the morning / afternoon / day if there were things that we wanted to do separately.

Even on the days when we go out together, we will sometimes split up and say 'See you in an hour at that coffee shop'.

I'm certainly NOT going to drag him around Craft Centres, just to watch the expression on his face change from bored - miserable - annoyed. I definitely DON'T want to trail around Hiking / Climbing Centres admiring the latest technical qualities of boot laces and compasses confused.

nipsmum Wed 18-Sep-19 10:55:38

That may be the reason I do not like going on holiday now.Its many tears since my husband left but he was always like this and going on holiday made it worse. Now I find it easier just staying at home.

Apricity Wed 18-Sep-19 10:55:38

What about saying something like 'This is what I'm planning to do today, it would be nice to do this together, but it's fine if you would like to do something else on your own. I do understand we have different interests. One thing that is not fine is you tagging along with me whingeing every step of the way."

His choice. You are not surgically joined together. He is a grown up not a a child. Or you could opt for separate holidays.

Babs758 Wed 18-Sep-19 10:58:22

I have days on holiday where I do my own thing - it might be meeting with friends on the island, scuba diving or sailing… I do remember a great "sense of freedom" the first day I decided to do this and a friend picked me up outside the resort and I met with her friends for a picnic on a beach that went on for five hours… ! I should have done this a long time ago.

My hubby likes photography so was able to spend the day doing that. Since this first time I have made a habit of doing it. We also have some fun stuff to talk about in the evenings as a result! Maybe you could find a group tour of something that interests you and not him and go off for the day?

Jaycee5 Wed 18-Sep-19 11:06:39

I like going to museums but I wouldn't want to think that I had to stop and read the same information notice as the person I was with or they with me. Isn't it more comfortable to want around the room individually but together? Or are you saying that he goes to the room and waits by the door?
Is it any more polite to stop if he sees something like a railway siding that bores you than to say 'I'll just walk on a bit' and walk ahead slowly?
I'm not really sure why he has to be the one to change the way that he likes to tour places.
When my sister goes to museums she has to read every single notice and it gets very tiresome. We would walk around separately meeting up occasionally to point something out or just connect. It is something that you have to work out how to do together so that you both enjoy it but there doesn't seem to be much lightness or give and take.

Craicon Wed 18-Sep-19 11:08:32

You’re the scapegoat because he’s lost respect for you and gets away with treating you like crap.
You don’t have to carry on like this, you do have a choice.
If you want things to change, YOU have to be the change.
Today, decide where you want to go and tell him what time and where to meet you later.
Don’t enter into any discussion, be firm and just do it.

BradfordLass72 Wed 18-Sep-19 11:09:28

Oh how glad (and lucky) I am not to have a grumpy partner, or indeed any partner at all.

It sounds like an absolute nightmare, being put down and manipulated by men as women always have been - I wonder why you all stand it.

BeenBizzy Wed 18-Sep-19 11:18:41

When in the more exotic places my darling would want to go out on tiny boats whale watching or on mini subs, even glass bottomed boats. Not me...... I preferred to be on terra firma
He always made sure I had somewhere enjoyable to see, and we would meet up about 4pm.
Both enjoying our day, having loads of pics to show the other and would chatter all evening about our day.
Suppose you could call us an odd couple. Married 51 years worked together for 30years in the business,
It was only on these holidays we spent time apart.
Now he's gone I am at a loss.

ReadyMeals Wed 18-Sep-19 11:20:00

I'm the one who is a misery on holidays - well previously. For my 4th (and still happy marriage after 25 years) I told him everything I was and wanted up front. Well I had to tell that to a few men before I found one who was happy with what I was offering! Then I made him do 10 years probation before the actual wedding. It's worth doing full research before settling with anyone. We do fine - neither of us go anywhere or do anything.

Apricity Wed 18-Sep-19 11:23:05

Beenbizzy, the ache and pain of the loss of your loved one are so apparent in your post. How lovely and lucky to have had each other for 51 years. 🌺

Coconut Wed 18-Sep-19 11:32:33

Holidays are meant to be fun and enjoyment, as others say make it a mix of doing agreed things together plus time apart, or maybe it’s time for separate holidays 🌞

kircubbin2000 Wed 18-Sep-19 11:55:00

I tried going with 2 friends but that doesn't work either. They refused to do the Auschwitz trip and I didn't want to go alone. One had been before,the other didn't fancy it.
Neither saw the point of stopping for a glass of wine and when musicians came into our restaurant offering beer they quickly finished and dragged me home
The one I hadn't met before got up at 6 in the morning turned the lights on and told us she was going for a long bath so that we could use the bathroom larger.
You could say get new friends but my more normal friends go with husbands .