Is this emotional abuse?

I dont really understand how you both got together, given he must have known you had family when you met. I find it increasingly disturbing the amount of posters on here, whose lives seem to be made hell by inconsiderate and downright selfish men. It seems they get worse as they get older, dont stand for it. If you are in one house, let him stew in the other. I wouldnt go running after him and yes, I do think it is emotional abuse.

Grapefruitpip You're absolutely right. That's why he does it. He's painstaking and very good at it. What worries me is that he has no other resources to draw on, and when he's no longer able for it, he'll be at a total loss. Difficult to endure, as the focus is always on something other than his relationship.

You arent being abused, manny- You are being neglected- He's neglecting to address his own issues and whatever issues that have arisen that you have with him as a result- Its a vicious cycle- You obviously care about the man- But you can't force him to change- You took a step and left, removing yourself from the environment- But you come across as still stressed, not experiencing any relief despite not being in his company- And that's on you, not him- There's no eggshells to walk on, nobody else in the home to neglect you except you- Just enjoy the peace of being alone with yourself, quiet your mind, and take care of yourself- Nobody is pressuring you to leave or stay at your current location- Use the time wisely- Instead of wasting time wanting him to be someone he isnt-

Let him get on with it. It's unacceptable behaviour, can you continue staying married but do your own thing? Tell your children how things really are, don't cover up. Do what is best for you. Would divorce and splitting the home be so daunting? I would rather be on my own than live as you do, I couldn't handle the stress. Ask Yourself why you stay with him.

I had an official separation when all financial stuff was officially sorted. And a new Will made.Jj

Later I divorced him.

I can see that not one poster has suggested you would be wrong to leave. Please take care of yourself.

Manny from what I read you have been like this for several years? Also read that you go and visit your family alone?

Sounds to me that your husband doesn't stop you doing what you want and what you want is for him to be different?

Not going to happen is it?

If you have two houses and can go to either then why not go there, live your own life, forget about him. No need to worry about divorce because doesn't sound like he will follow you?

If you hang on hoping for something that won't ever happen, you are just wasting your life.

Not sure of finances etc but you can always re-write your Will?

But reading between the lines I feel you just want a man who isn't the man you are married to?

I’d certainly like a man who hasn’t squeezed my family out!
He’s been given a lot of support from me over the years. It’s very disappointing. It’s also very controlling. What I want is ‘for him to be different ‘ Sure - I’d like to have family visit for a couple of weeks a year without all the tension. Too much, do you think.

Family visit where Manny? Do you live abroad but have a house in UK? Not sure where you flew to where he didn't contact you?

Doubt you will change him t.b.h. Still doesn't sound like he is controlling you though. Sounds like he just doesn't care?
Sounds like you just want him to care more than he does?

Up to you what you do. I know what I would do.

Manny, he won't change and dont think for one moment he will. If you can live in one house, let him get on with it. I personally would not put up with this *p for one minute.

You can live seperate lives without divorce .You said he is so busy with his hobbies so why don't you get on with your own life . He probably wouldn't notice you wasn't there until meal times ( like most men ) . Join a few clubs , start having lunch out once a week with girl friends and see where life takes you . He probably take more notice when he realises you've got a life .

Sounds like he could be on the autistic spectrum. Possibly Asperger’s syndrome. Knowing this doesn’t change the situation though. x

Manny, just one question: why are you still with this man?

Why should divorce horrify you? Yes, it can be unpleasant whilst going through it, but the long-term rewards are well worth it. You'll wish you'd done it sooner.

I'm sorry, but I think he was looking for an unpaid housekeeper and got one.
Just what is he "organising"? If he isn't prepared to either tell you or show you, I'd be raising a very large red flag.
Quite honestly, you don't really have a marriage in the true sense. The fact that you have left him on his own , and has not either contacted you or responded to you makes me think that he is truly not bothered about anyone apart from himself and whatever it is that he is organising - or you may hear from him when the freezer is empty and his laundry basket is full!
I think you need to see a solicitor to find out your options. At least if he turns around on you, you will have legal backing in place. The solicitor will be able to step in and deal with him on your behalf.

oh, how old are you? you say your husband is to be eighty years old next birthday.

does is matter if he is autistic, or whatever,,, and you have another home to live in, separate from him?

I sense it is very hard for you to leave him to his own devices, but ,,, think about it, if he is emotionally abusing you, again, what difference does that make, I sense that you have come to this conclusion anyway.

get out of it,,, how many years do you have? we never know

live separate and apart,, but then I don`t know the financial issues involved... as long as you can afford to, live separate homes, separate lives,, don`t wait for him to contact you! go enjoy what life you have now..
God bless you,,,

I’ve managed to stay civil with 1st husband, who is the father of my 3..... but 2nd husband I divorced for mental cruelty as he turned to drink after his Co collapsed in the recession. I did all I could to support him, as I didn’t want to go thro a 2nd divorce and be single in my 50’s. But his behaviour just deteriorated, picking on my 3, totally selfish behaviour, no consideration for me whatsoever. After the divorce I felt as if a 20 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was cross with myself for treading on egg shells all those years instead of having peace in my head. I love life now, have let go all of my angst and everyday is a joy. Please let him go, when someone does not even care about you and the distress he causes to your loved ones, then there is something seriously wrong with him. Be true to yourself and be happy with your lovely family who will help and support you thro this.

If it was to transpire that it is a use of any kind would you divorce? Perhaps your DH has grown to fill his time with i interests that require computer use. If there wasn't a computer how would he manage the organisation. Or has he chosen to do this knowingly. You need to really consider the WHY. You are obviously unhappy. You mentioned two homes, why don't you have a prolonged break to help figure just how you feel about your relationship. Sorry can't help with what constitutes abuse, you need a solicitor to help with that.

Sounds as if he might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
Can you develop it later in life?

Sorry, see that's already been pointed out!

I wish we could go back and edit comments.

You sound so unhappy, and as someone said you had posted about this over two years ago obviously nothing has changed, yes divorce can be stressful, but so is living like this, as you are saying you have two homes.why don’t you go and live at your other home

Leave him! You have only one life. make the most of it. This man dorsn't care for oe about you. Get as good a lawyer as you can afford. Why have you waited this long?

I’m in same position..... we are emotionally distant from each other.... he watches tv 17 hours a day....hasn’t been anywhere with me for 12 years.... football and trains ... his only interests. In those 12 years we’ve had a grandson born and then a granddaughter.... 12 and 7... he has no interest. They don’t even speak to him when in the house and have to be ‘reminded’ to even say hello . They have no emotional tie with him at all it seems. My daughter stays away unless she’s dropping off the kids ,and my son comes once a month to have Sunday lunch and ‘catch up’ ( he’s single). I go out with friends and sometimes go and visit my sister .... I would leave instantly if it wasn’t for the fact that I know he would abuse our children’s love for him by becoming demanding and lazier than he already is. He would use them mercifully. He is mildly disabled and says he can’t walk far so gets waited on.... he refuses any form of exercise to try and help himself... he had to be told to dress ( why bother I’m not going anywhere) ...he is totally dependent on me. It’s too late for me to get out, because of the burden he would become to our kids... but it’s not too late for you Manny. RUN... and do it now... no false loyalty.... just RUN!

If your lonely in a marriage I am afraid its over. Don't be frightened of divorce it means a new chapter in your life - and I talk from experience, this chapter in my life is fabulous.

I ask myself this question, if anything was to happen to my husband or children and I could only save the husband or the children which would it be ?. Staying miserable with your husband or having your own front door and enjoying the company of your family and friends inviting them whenever you wish, no more tense atmosphere. No one says it is easy but I have been their and come out the other end. I wish you well

Manny, he must be a lot lonelier than you are. Poor man.

However poor man is not sufficient reason for you to live in order to serve his needs.

Why would he be "determined to make (divorce) as difficult as possible" ? what does he want/ need from you? Can you come to a reciprocal arrangement?

I can understand many of the grans are better off from being divorced. In my experience there is still a stigma,
and a social disadvantage of not having a spouse , and the worst thing of course is the loneliness. However you seem already to manage well socially without him and would be even better socially if you dumped him.

I still think in fairness he deserves a quid pro quo conversation or at least an ultimatum.