Is this emotional abuse?

To me what you are describing is most definitely emotional abuse.

Your husband has succeeded in alienating you from your family, and perhaps your friends as well ?

Now he has done so, he ignores you completely.

Divorce is sometimes the only solution. Why stay with this man? He isn't treating you well and you are desperately unhappy.

Do get advice on divorce. Talk to your family, whoever in it you are closest to and ask for help.

Ultimatums don't really work. Not with him, anyway.
We have finally had a discussion - well, a conversation. I'm going to join him for a few days to see how we get on. A bit 'glass half empty' to be honest, but I'd like to say I'd done my best.
The more I think about his behaviour, the odder it seems. The autism thing might be at the root of it.
Thank all of you so much for your comments and advice - it's been such a relief to get some of this off my chest.

It sounds as if you have two homes.
If yes, then you stay in one and live the life you choose, make new friends and make a new life fir yourself and he stays in t'other and does as he pleases.
Failing that, just carry on and ignore him.

Definitely emotional abuse, from a typical self entitled man. You might consider that life is too short to put up with any more of this nonsense. Why not live apart, not get a divorce, but act as if you were single. Enjoy life again?

He will soon find out that life on his own is not the wonderful thing he might think. Do you do all the shopping, cooking, washing, ironing? Basically service his living needs? Why not just stop?

There's too much of this selfishness going on with men. I do wish you luck, don't put up with more of this nonsense.

"The thought of a divorce horrifies me."
Why? I know you say "he will be determined to make it as difficult as possible", but how can that be worse than the lonely, isolated and unfulfilling life you are leading now? At least there'd be an end in sight that isn't death.

To be blunt manny - if he's coming up for 80, pretty soon he'll be facing ill-health, maybe mobility issues, inability to take care of his personal needs - how do you feel about being his carer? If you think your marriage is bad now (and it is - it really is) then how bad do you think it will be when he starts treating you like an extension to his own failing body, fetching and carrying for him?

How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

You posted " What I want is ‘for him to be different ‘ ". Well, that isn't going to happen. It's a pipe dream. What he is now is what he will be until he dies. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

So I'll ask you again - how do you want to spend the rest of your life?

It is emotional abuse. I just can't see why you are still with him. You need to get some legal advice , get everything in order and then leave. It certainly can't be any worse than the life you are living.

To be blunt he sounds like a pratt. Why on earth are you still with him
I've been through a similar thing. I left and it was the best thing I ever did. No more walking on eggshells x

Yes it is abusive, but what's more important you find it intolerable so leave. It is up to you if you divorce, but whatever please consult a solicitor to help you determine what steps that you can take after leaving to secure your future.

One step at a time is all it takes to leave.

Best of luck

Hmmm... It sounds to me as if you are both unhappy in this marriage, manny, sorry to say. I would say I'm glad you had a conversation and will try spending a few days together, but I'm wondering what the nature of the conversation was? Did you let him know how you feel? Did he promise to make some changes? How about the other way? Did he express feelings you can understand and accept?

If this latest effort to fix your marriage doesn't work out, I agree with others that you should look into divorce or just live separately. Since you have two houses, that shouldn't be that hard to do. Best of luck to you!

Manny, I cannot believe that you have another place to live, and you are still with him. I bet there are thousands of women who would wish they had so they could leave.
He is not going to change. Leave him.
Basically he does not give a shit about you, your family or you life.

If this sort of behaviour was evident at the start then would you have jumped in? Probably not.... And in my opinion he is acting awfully. Please, please believe that you are worth more. All of this must be exhausting for you.
You sound beaten down and I imagine you are spending energy worrying when maybe e isn't?
Are you sure that he is aware exactly how dreadful things have become? Maybe you could start building yourself up- do more to make yourself feel good and build some foundations to support you so that if you decide to leave, you already have started an 'escape' plan! Things can feel daunting if tackled all in one go . Take some time out to work out exactly what you will put ho with and what you won't- perhaps focus on what you DO want in fact and head for that.

I understand your need to 'name' this as you are questioning yourself amd want to know if his behaviour is within acceptable realms. If it isn't to you - then no it isnt!
This horrible behaviour of your husband has contributed if not been totally responsible for your confidence crash.
I have Just left a marriage three months ago- most difficult decision of my life. I have two young children, I'm paying off a Bancrupcy order, I rent a rather run down old farmhouse, work in a school for minimum wage and my nearest blood family lives 90 miles away with the majority in a completely different county..... But I now wake up and feel free to make my own decisions and hopefully one by one, I'll start ticking my list off ( be it taking over all of the bills- of which I have only one more to clear before everything is in my name) and my next big mountain is to re train. I am worth more than £8.21 an hour, I'm bright, I'm honest, I'm hard working and resilient. Is taken only a few weeks to start finding evidence to support this. I am not a confident person but I can be bold enough when empassioned! You have one life. Xx

Hi
It all definitely siubds like emotional abuse and perhaps some personality disorders
I have similar experience and trying to work out a plan
I’ve done lots of research to understand what might be happening
This has helped me counteract a lot of it Day to day
Eg I walk away from a rant and don’t engage
I realise I’m dealing with possible Asperger narcissism sociopathic behaviour etc etc
It has helped me a lot to distance myself by understanding these behaviours while I consider my future
Hope this might help you along with seeking financial advise