DIL wanted advice- do I have it out with PIL?

EvilDIL you hit a chord when you said they think their other DIL is lazy. Your MIL doesn't think you or sister in law do enough for their precious boy. Before we were married, DH's mum said "no girl will be good enough for my boy" and for the first couple of years she'd say "hello love, you're looking a bit peaky, are you eating enough? Would you like some apple pie?" (he was, and still is, a bit of a chubster!). However, she mellowed over time and we loved each other.

They are very old fashioned in thinking that a woman's place is in the home and the husband rules supreme. It's unlikely they will change their views overnight but if you give it time, they will see that your husband is, in fact, being loved and 'thriving'.

Just be pleasant when they are around (even if it irks you inside) and I'm sure they'll eventually realise that things have changed and you and DH are happy doing what works for you.

Of course, you have been going through this for 20 years but who knows, they may change! Good luck to you.

Nanasam, both boys are happy with their relationships and equal splits and I’m sure if they wanted a 50’s housewife they would have chosen one! Unless a relationship is abusive, surely if it works for them then leave them to it.

She’s reminded me again off all the things she’s said to me in the past. She thinks she’s sent a supportive text, but the only time they’ve acknowledged my surgeries or hospital admissions is to comment on the effect on my DH. They sent a good luck for surgery card addresses to him first! My surgery. If it’s not acknowledging the effect on him then it’s ignored. Urgh.

My DH hates it. It’s not me doing this deliberately, it’s a shit situation we are both going through, but he hates it when they refer to him not coping when it’s me it’s affecting more at that time. He hates it when I apologise and just makes me feel even more loved and cherished. He really is awesome.

EvilDIL, I absolutely agree with you. My nephew used to come home from work as a decorator and feed and bath his 2 young daughters, do housework and do all the family cooking. His wife was studying as a mature student for a degree in HR.

Fast forward 25 years and she is very successful in her career, with a fab salary and a lifestyle they never would have had, had my nephew not supported her at home.

At the time, my mum and his mum were scathing about her, leaving her husband to do all the work after a hard days work. I kept far away from their moaning because it worked for them, they were very happy and are still together after 30 years. As you said, it works for them.

I don't think there are many relationships these days where the work is not split and the wife expected to pander to her man. My husband has always pulled his weight. Your in-laws are languishing in old fashioned belief that their son is the only one in your relationship.

Good luck getting through!