I Hate Myself

Yes I agree with hulahoop Your family see you as self sufficient as this is the impression you have given previously.. You need to be honest with them now and accept support from them. No need to hate yourself, things change for all of us over the years, the great thing is that you are prepared to look at things differently now. Small steps and enjoy your family, you still have a lot to offer.

Hello my dear thank you for your post, l relate to it and also identify with some of your challenges astound your family. However l don't believe in the idea of Karma or an eye for an eye. I think your post shows your willingness and openness to change past hurts and behaviours that have lead to your unhappiness now. Stay open to the possibilities for changes now that will help move you forward in your life. Warm regards.

Blondilass, lots of good advice and thoughts already given. Sometimes it can be helpful to write out a list of the things you do like about your life and yourself and make another list of things you don't like. Consider the lists and think about what you can do to make some changes in your life.

For example it would appear from your post that you really enjoy your own home and time on your own and your independence. Maybe there is too much time on your own so seeking a balance between valued time alone and more interaction with other people might be a goal. Some of those other people may be your family members but not all of them. Explore other areas that may interest you.

What else would you like to change? Sometimes quite consciously thinking kind and positive thoughts about people and the world around you, appreciating the beauty of the natural world can help change your view of the world.

What makes you laugh? Seek it out. You're not going to suddenly morph into a social butterfly or extrovert but you can be a happier you. You can choose to make small daily changes towards a life that is more satisfying for you.

Tomorrow is another day. ?

Hi there depression is a total torment. I know. But it is obvious that you are telling yourself you don't like the person you have become. I understand your bliss at having the house to yourself, I did too but often I feel quite alone. It's a confusing one.
Honestly I think you should try to see someone, kind of talk therapy where you can offload everything. And begin to like yourself again by building on all the positive whether it's knitting, sewing watching a tv...etc.. I think the guilt and fear of not being so close to your family is over taking you. But remember not many families are as close and happy as what they seem.
Good luck life is a journey with all its ups and downs. Take care

I think I may well put the cat among the pigeons here but here goes, you have looked at your past behaviours and know that you might have been to blame for a lot of things, you knowing that and accepting that does not mean the family have to say 'that's okay then, welcome back'. You have to work at it, and its hard work. Reading your post its all about your needs, your feelings and how they are letting you down. That to me shows you are still depressed, because there is only one person in a depressed persons world, you! You still need treatment for your depression, and at some point you will start to think things like 'I could help them with that' or 'I wonder how the parents are coping with their newborn' when the emphasis is less about you, and how you feel and what you need, then you will be recovering. Then you can start to build those bridges. Living or coping with someone with depression is soul destroying, it sucks the life out of you, your family are probably avoiding you to protect themselves, once you are well enough you will be a joy to be around. PS you can employ people to come in and help with your recuperation, don't put the responsibility on your family.

Blondilass, lots of help always to be got from gransnet so please keep in frequent touch.
Another thought; Blondilass , and Alexa, who made decisions last year, or even yesterday, are not the same Blondilass and Alexa who woke up to a brand new morning today.

I hate myself is a distortion in your head, caused by severe and on going depression.

Go to the GP. Get help. It can change for the better.

I am being harsh because I have been there.

I don't agree with one or two points Classic made.For eight years I lived with a dear friend who was depressed and he immensely supportive of me when I was troubled, and he also knew how to have fun and help others to have fun. I am therefore prejudiced to enjoy the company of depressed people.

I agree with most of what Calssic wrote but would eliminate the word 'blame'. True, Blondilass and I caused much of our own troubles but we made the best decisions we could at the time. No blame. Today is a new day with regrets maybe but no blame.

There are plenty of people who have done nothing but accommodate their grown up children.

Babysitting countless times a week, giving them huge sums of money; in short, living their lives around them.

They still find themselves pushed out, forgotten and sidelined, so its not necessarily anything you have or haven't done.

believe in your qualities .we can't always help physical health .
but write down one good thing about yourself each day and look at it
you will then start to focus on positives

the positive news is that you can change your thinking pattern

Sounds like you are seriously depressed ?

Hi blondilass. You poor thing! Even though depression is being highlighted much more of late I’m afraid once people/family know they have no idea how to react and tend to shy away from it. Children also struggle to come to terms with a parent suddenly becoming the one in need of their help. I can’t give you any advice but I can tell you to hang on in there and send you some much needed love and hugs. ???