Deep Grief

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So sorry for your loss, take care of you first and then you just may be able to get through this. Sending hugs at this sad time, you are amazing and strong doing what you have done and hopefully there will be some of his wishes at the funeral. ? ?

I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain Felicity. I understand. My husband is the love of my life, but also an alcoholic. I reached the end of my tether earlier this year. He wouldn’t leave the house, so I had him removed by the Police ‘to prevent a breach of the peace’. He is now in rehab and doing well. I am looking forward to the future with him, although
I’m always aware that alcoholism is a life-long struggle. So
I totally get pushing someone out of your life despite loving them very much. Your husband untimely death is what all loved ones of alcoholics fear. I hope you have friends and/or loved ones to comfort and support you. I’m sure you will always find support here. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

So sorry Felicity.

Can you get in touch with his son and say you would like to help him with the funeral if he wants you to?

The reality is that as long as he gets a respectful funeral and cremation or burial, he is unlikely to mind too much about the songs etc whether he can look down from above on it or not. He will know he was loved, and respected in death, and someone cared enough to do that for him. You could mention to the family what you came to know about his wishes, but beyond that just focus on sending positive thoughts to his soul.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Felicity. What a horrific shock for you.

I hate to be practical where emotions are concerned but in my recent experience, it is taking weeks for funerals to be able to happen, even straightforward ones with no legalities to go through. So there may well be time to talk with your partner's family later on, when the first shock has receded and some sort of calmness has returned.

Thinking of you. X

I view funerals differently from some here.I believe they are solely for the living.The dead have no idea whats going on.I wouldn't concern myself about his favourite songs etc.If his family WANT to gather then thats all any of us can wish for Not music or flowers or big black cars etc etc etc.The funeral industry makes a fortune from grieving folk who think that these things are important ...they're not .You can listen to his favourite music anytime ..even at his wake ...if they have wakes where you are.Keeping his memory alive is what counts and not just on that one day .Step back from it and just turn up on the day to join his family in saying goodbye .I hope you find some peace soon.

My Condolences added.
All you can do
Is write down anything that you feel they may need to know and leave it with them.
Cleanse yourself by passing all this information on and then let it be.
There’s nothing else that you CAN do now.

Most funeral now seem to be several weeks ahead and sometimes even months. It doesn’t sound as if your input is required right now so perhaps if you send a letter saying what your partner wanted and perhaps copies to a couple of other of his family members.

Sadly you don’t know what he has told his family about you. Alcoholics can get fixed ideas in their head and nothing will dissuade them. My Mum was convinced we visited my Dad every weekend. Totally impractical and untrue. On a visit I found she had DD1 backed against a wall and was trying to make her tell her version of the truth. DD was totally bemused and luckily has no memory of this.

You did your very best to help which will help with your eventual healing but sometimes we have to accept that others may have been told untruths about us or have reached unfair conclusions and there is nothing we can do to change it. The right counselor may well be able to help you get the thoughts straight and find some inner peace.

Chances are you may have been silently" grieving" for a while due to his alcoholism and changed character to when you first met, yet still the shock of sudden death stirs up the emotions.

Give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened but do offer your services where needed then do what you think is right by the wishes of the deceased.

Thinking of you at this sad time x

If writing helps then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't. You are in a very sad place just now. Torn between all the good things you know of your ex and his ending. If his family are the legal next of kin and they expect to act accordingly, you have to allow this. Hopefully they will recognise the huge part you played in his and let you contribute too. Life is just so harsh at times.

I am so sorry for your loss, Felicity, and also the way that things have worked out. If you are his next of kin on paper then I assume legally you can ask that control is given back to you and you can organise things? It sounds as though you're in a cleft stick, on the one hand you risk upsetting his family, but on the other your partner's wishes might not be adhered to. Can you not see if you can reach a compromise with the family? Alternatively perhaps you could write what you know of your late partner's wishes down and send them to the son?

I am very sorry for your loss. Sometimes it helps to write down the ways in which your partner hurt you in his life. Then say, as if to him, I forgive you and burn the piece of paper. Try to let go of the hard times and focus on the happier memories. I am sure you did your best.

My deepest sympathies Felicity, I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. My partner (with whom I'd had a child when we were young) died suddenly 8 years ago. As we weren't married I was not his next of kin even though the hospital and his workplace treated me as if I was. J also drank too much which possibly shortened his life although I don't suppose I'll ever know. We'd often discussed our wishes after death yet when it happened, I was in no place to assert his preferences and went along with a Catholic funeral, which he would have hated. It still grates tbh, especially as I still ended up paying for it all! As we were in Scotland the rules were different to those in England and I was entitled to a share of his estate (which I didn't want); in England I wouldn't have been. Time doesn't heal, yet it does get easier to cope with the grief. I would try and communicate his wishes to his children and family etc. and try to keep those lines of communication open. Lots of love

I am so sorry for your loss.

Have you tried telling his son and family what his wishes were for funeral and burial arrangements?
If they truly decide not to follow through with them, it is not your fault. As another poster wrote, burial rituals are for the living and what brings them comfort.

I am also not clear why, if you are the next of kin, why his family is taking over. Maybe you should contact a lawyer?

Weddings, new babies and death in the family brings up the worst in families. They are very stressful moments.

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
As you have been separated from your partner, it’s possible that his children think you don’t want to be involved. All you can do is offer your thoughts, But they are not required to take them on board.

I will echo with somebody above said to us please speak to a bereavement a specialist. Your grief is, I am sure, incredibly complex. It wouldn’t hurt to have somebody help you sort feelings out. Especially if his family continues to leave you out of the arrangements that you feel you should have a say in.

So very sorry for your loss, especially in such difficult circumstances. What about writing a brief letter to son jotting down what you know of your partner’s wishes; not a long letter - almost a list of his wishes as you ‘recall / understand’.
Also, in looking after yourself does Al Anon have bereavement counselling / support...........or consider other organisations. You need to care for you..........

Hi Felicity my condolences on your loss and your pain will decrease with time. I do not know what the legal implications are on someone who is stated as next of kin But I suggest that you seek information from someone such as a legal advisor to see what rate you have as next of kin and find the strength to implement this If it seems you have no rights whatsoever then for your own sake buried him in your heart and remember the love that you had for him. He is dead God rest him and you must live. The pain from a loss of someone dear to you will pass With time

I am so sorry for your loss, Felicity.

It is natural to feel the way you do now, but please don't feel you could or should have done, or do more.

Could you perhaps phone his son and suggest you helped pick out the clothes your partner is to be buried/ cremated in?

Like you I would want a dear one to have the kind of funeral he or she wanted, but we can only do so much and logically I don't suppose it really matters all that much.

If your partner believed there is an eternal life, he probably thought like I that it won't matter to us there how our funeral was arranged, or what clothes we were put into.

If he believed everything ends with death, then obviously the arrangements won't be bothering him.

A lot of funeral arrangements and customs are meant as a consolation to the bereaved. I am very sorry that you don't seem likely to have the consolation of them. I hope you can feel more peaceful once the first shock of his death recedes a little.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My brother died after being and alcoholic who went through rehab seemingly successfully before self medicating with a prescription drug which killed him. He was only 39. It was so heartbreaking but when I feel myself getting down, I tell myself that he is now at peace, something he found difficult to find in life.

Really sorry for your loss.

Where you married ! If so then it is your decision as to who can help you and how you want everything to be dealt with

If not then despite however long you were together sadly unless it has been formerly witnessed you are not next of kin.

You will be in shock and so will they. Nobody is at their best with adrenalin flooding their bodies.

Try to find a little " down time". is there any neutral person you can speak to?

I'm so very sorry for your loss Felicity, a tremendous shock to you. My very best wishes at this sad time xxx

Dear Felicity, so very, very sorry for your loss, it all sounds so sad.

Can you get a solicitor to tell you what your rights and obligations are? I dont think that we have enough knowledge or information to say.

A thought, but if his ‘legal’ next of kin want a funeral their way, then it might be best to let that happen and you could have a lovely memorial service with your mutual friends and colleagues, and your family.

My MiL, much loved, died in her own home on another continent. She had a brief funeral service attended by my FiL, her husband, and local friends. Several weeks later we went over with other family and friends and organised a memorial service for her in a lovely area of countryside near their home, followed by tea in a nearby restaurant. It was a very beautiful occasion.

I do very much hope that all goes as well as possible at this sad time ?

A lot of good advice from above. Alcohol has played a large part in my life and grief an even larger part. My daughter and husband both passing away in the last ten years. Do please rid yourself of the image of him in the mortuary with no clothes. The undertakers deal with this and my daughter had a lovely gown on. I didn’t choose clothes for either of them. If you were married then you are in charge. Perhaps ask the children for help. Death is no respecter of time but you will achieve a form of acceptance. Look after yourself and talk to s counsellor.