Is this Infidelity?

In your place I would be furious and would definitely have it out with him. It would end up with a it's her or me and insist he leaves immediately if there's any doubt. I also think that I would start by dropping the phone down the loo!

Seems he wants the best of two worlds! I 'd call him a creep and a nasty one at that - 3 times over the years - 3 times too many. Reality would be hard to swallow for both of them. Just so sorry for you and think you are a saint for having out up with his nonsense over the years.

Have it out with him, and don't shy away from telling him that you've checked his phone - let him shout and make excuses as much as he likes - he's at fault here. At best it's titillation, a bit of excitement, but it's still betrayal. In some ways the lying and subterfuge in such situations is more hurtful than any physical contact.
Regarding telephoning the woman in question, my first reaction was yes, do it, but having read that she may have mental health issues then this could well backfire and you could end up with a screaming-match. Perhaps, if you have her address, a calm but forthright letter would have more effect. Of course on receipt of said letter she could well complain to your husband in which case you would have to cope with whatever reaction in him it caused.
The bottom line is - you have got to put a stop to this one way or another - for your own happiness and health.

Gosh I cannot believe how calm you are being and everyone has given you great advice.

Me, I would get his phone in front of him and call her in front of him to find out what is going on. Then do absolutely nothing for him until I got a grovelling apology and proof that that was it if not pack him a bag and show him the door.

yes their egos and fantasies are being massaged at your expense. Be very angry and unafraid.

Too many of the comments on here would make a bad situation worse. Sit him down and talk to him,
Tell him what you know. Take it from there but be frank about your hurt feelings, disappointment and your distress. But listen to him, too, see what you can learn about the situation and the man you are married to. Then think it over, what do YOU want?

Yes it’s an affair
Emotional Affairs are very damaging
How horrid for you

It is an emotional affair which involves secrecy and a relationship outside of yours. Whether or not you confront him is up to you. Personally I would be hurt and unable to forgive him. However, I would not have the strength to do anything about it.

It is infidelity, not if, no buts. So no wonder you are hurting.

As for how you go forward it is , as others have said, up to you. This is about your life and your future.

Me I become the Bitch from Hell, no apologies for that. I would blow their FANTASY wide open.

Me I'd take a picture how as he is now, send it to her with a list of his aliments and ask if she would like the RESPONSIBILITY of looking after him. Then after you've sent it tell him what you've done. And ask would he really like her to see him as he is now and would he really like to see her as she is now. AS they say "Hell Hath no Fury ...

IF he starts going off on one about you broke his trust and when behind his back, point out that you haven't done anything to him that he hasn't done to you Many, Many times. Or the bitch in me would say "you started it, I'm just going one better".

But I'm not that bothered about fall outs like that. I know other people aren't as ruthless and others are more forgiving than I am so may be it not something you'd feel like doing.

I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through and whatever you do make sure it is the best thing for YOU. Do what is right for you, what keeps you safe and what you can cope with.

Your good nature and years of care are being taken for granted and are not being valued.

I think at the very least I'd be taking myself off for a few days and letting him look after himself - AFTER I'd let him know you know what he's being doing.

He's probably being looking for a way to make himself feel younger, more interesting, he's had his ego stroked - good for him. NO IT'S NOT.

Because he and her have done all of those things at YOUR expense. That is wrong, so very wrong.

I'm sure you'll have much better suggestions here on GN but if you don't feel my option is right for you may be you can enjoy thinking about it.

Good Luck and may you find some happiness and may you be valued for that treasure you are.

emotional infidelity,ok to have friends of both sexes but there is line which sounds has been crossed, awful for you, the question is to know the right thing to do for now and the future

It was easier back in the day...no mobiles. I found ;her; number, added a few 00 and 88 to it ...rang her and told her she was welcome to take him and his gambling debts …...eventually he DID leave and go on to live with her ...they had 5 children (!) and she had the gall to phone me and say ;You never told me he was a gambler !'...they lost the house he had a heart attack, they went to emergency B & B when the house was repossessed …………..loved it ...my only sadness was that he never saw his daughter (mine) again and she was only 6 …..MEN ! good luck ...DO give her a ring ...she may not even be aware you know of her existence. Tell your husband you have tolerated enough and if he wishes to live on his own (or with her) and break up a long marriage and a family, especially now he is ill, then there is the door ! YOu have to be cruel to be kind to you and him. good luck

Your dh is a cheater.

As long as you stay with him, he will keep on cheating

Calling her or confronting him will not change anything.

If you do not want to leave him, you are looking at the rest of your life. 50+ years of marriage means nothing unless you are both comitted to each other.

Sort it out with him now, otherwise it will eat away at your wellbeing in every way possible.

he cheated on you when you had a baby and was very vulnerable - for 18 months! and then there have been the bounce backs - in my book - if only I was writing it - it is a good time, now that he too is vulnerable, to show him the door. What arrogance on his part. You are not a doormat.

IMO the other woman is not the problem your DH is! I wouldn't contact her at all just sort out your husband, Tell him you thought there was a problem, wondered if it was the same old thing so checked his phone. It's up to him to stop contacting her and to tell this woman to stop contacting him.

Kaycee, because you have been so forgiving and non confrontational in the past I think your husband sees this as a green light to do what he wants. For your own self esteem and respect you need to talk to him about this, it's go on for far too long. Tell him how upset and hurt you are, it might make him see how badly he has behaved towards you. If he's truly contrite then he has to end it, in front of you and then block her number /change his.

I agree with lemongrove, I would confront your husband despite his health situation, but I would also confront the other woman too - I would do that first in fact, and tell her quite firmly that you can easily find out where she lives and will have no hesitation in visiting her and explaining to her family how she is behaving with another woman's husband. I think you have to deal with both parties and make it clear that you are not going to spend the rest of your life caring for a man who is still having an affair, emotional only though it may be. Only when this is tackled from both sides and you make it plain where you stand will this stop. Have you asked yourself whether if this woman had not left 39 years ago, your husband would have kept the relationship going, and why she got back in touch in 2007, what she wanted from this, and why she's doing it again? You could actually tell her that the stress of having to deal with her has caused your husband to have a stroke - why hold back? You want to be rid of this woman. She has no respect for you.

I'd say it's a sort of infidelity but at the same time, we really can't control the feelings of others. It is exciting and thrilling, to be wanted, to have a secret, whatever age one is. And it's desperately hurtful if one's partner is being thrilled and excited elsewhere. Maybe suggest he invites this woman over? I'd bet serious folding money they'll each be mightily disappointed in the other after so many years. All good luck to you.

I think it is infidelity of the worst kind,she's on some kind of pedestal in his mind and how do you compete with that.I would let him know that I knew and that I wouldn't put up with it anymore,has he been wishing he'd rather be with her all your married life .That would be play on my mind, I'd have to know and that would decide my further actions. Be brave and confront him,he's in the wrong not you.

Maw B is a clever woman. I would contact her & tell her to bog off personally & tell him I had done so but Maw's ideas are probably much better!!

Well firstly I would think what do I expect from this marriage and like most ppl To make it work they want loyalty respect commitment love etc etc then I’d think do I want to stay in thes marriage if we could get it sorted out, and I’m presuming it’s a yes, hindsight is a funny thing you went through all this many years ago but to me it doesn’t seem to have stopped: meaning still contact: and that’s the hurtful part it’s continuing, which makes me feel he has no respect for you: he’s in I’ll health and still contacting this woman not giving your feelings any thought, there’s no regard for you, but whose looking after him! You are! I would sit him down tell him you have suspected there’s more and I’d tell him I’ve seen his phone contents, why would you give him respect he’s not giving you any is he, I’d say how would he feel if the roles were reversed and you were doing this! Let’s guess I doubt if he would stand for it! I wouldn’t contact her, but I would give him an ultimatum he either deletes her number n puts a block on the phone or you are going to divorce him, you deserve so much more than this,good luck please come back on and tell us what you decide to do,

The hurt, lies, betrayal, deceit, abuse, pain, suffering must be exhausting. For all those years. He’s made the life you were living together worthless. There’s no value of you here, no respect for you or your marriage.
I would personally talk to him, maybe take a weekend- week away first to get your head around everything. Say plainly as you can how hurt and crushed you are. You don’t need to say how you know. He’ll tell you all you need in his reaction to being found out and confronted.
How dare he do this to you again!
You are strong enough to walk away. You deserve some happiness and respect. Yes it will mean an upheaval and a division 50/50 of all assets but it’s worth it to be rid of all this deceit and pain he’s inflicted on you and your relationship.

I wish you strength, courage and conviction in whatever you decide is best. Good luck Xxx

Has your husband got many friends? As this simply turned into a friendship? The secrecy is because he knows you do not agree with contact with her. Like a naughty school boy. I mean unless his meeting up with her now behind your back or intending to run off with her is it anything more.
Mainly you need to talk to him because his the only one who can answer all your questions. I gather their might be a fear of what he might say but you might fear better.

I agree with knspol. The responsibility for this lies with your DH - he is the one you are married to, so he should give you love, honesty, and respect. The "other woman" owes you nothing (emotionally, I mean) so she may well have no interest in your feelings. In your situation I'd have it out with DH - as calmly and as clearly as possible.

Agree with MawB.