Break up - from "best friend"

Your H is the idiot here...he was offered a olive branch by her brother and he refused...its a shame that just you & your friend cant just meet up...tell her that your H is an idiot but can she put aside what has happened between them and just you be friends

That is true friendship. Give and take

Oh dear, some friends are hmm just odd! I do feel for you, but if she is as you say, prone to snap, and for over 30 years you've had to be careful of what you say, then that isn't healthy. I have a friend (we met at collage age 16) and when I had my son, she was vile, I had to have a c section so couldn't go out for weeks, now she had a salon up the road from where I lived and went passed it everyday,but never once did she come and see me, so when I could go out, I went to the salon with my son(now 24) and her words were "oh at last she comes to see me" I told her I couldn't get out and she replied"I've known people to have a c section and be walking round the next day" with that I walked out, after telling her it was rubbish. She didn't speak to me for 20years, then her dad died and we talked and it was nice, her mum was ill with cancer, she was a carer for her, so I started to go round every week with sandwiches, cake flowers etc never once did she offer to make one, and then I had to have eye surgery and an op on my hand, did she see if I was ok? Nope, she just takes and still I went round, then I realised she was a self centered person , we still talk etc, but I don't go round as much it's not healthy to have these people in your life,. Hugs xx

It's heartbreaking when it happens.....you will get over it. Move on and find new friends, life throws us some curved balls. It's how you bounce back that matters. Your husband was doing a lovely thing for your birthday and he fell out with her brother. The fact that he was sharing emails with his sister is a sneaky/stirring thing to do. He should have been a man and just confronted your husband straight up! The fact that she was affronted proves she is a control freak and didn't have your back. Onward and Upwards and do not dwell any longer......

I feel for you. I also lost a long friendship through something quite different, but the pain is the similar.These sorts of relationships don’t come up too often and it’s awful when they end. From a practical angle, as others have asked, why would your husband not shake his hand I wonder? Perhaps you need to talk about that. Aside from the men, could you still rekindle your friendship with the woman...do you want to...or is it best left finished? Perhaps the time is right now for you, or both of you, to reach out to them, if you feel the past is the past. If you don’t, then it does seem it’s the end of the road.

I posted last week on another thread how upset I was over a friend of over 45 years letting me down badly.
I haven't got over the hurt but am letting it go.
I made excuses for her for many years and still feel foolish for doing so but having really seen through her I am relieved.
I feel she will need me before I will ever rely on her again...
Let it go, concentrate on your other friends.

That hand shake could have been the start of a reconciliation. I would try an email to her and arrange lunch on you and a chat as I think they want to be friends again otherwise he would not have offered his hand.

depends how much you get out of the relationship are you happy with her, do you have the same interests, my best friend became snippy, always having digs at me, she was always so perfect, so, i cut her off, never been happier, dont know where she is now and not fussed. if its not 50/50 then you dont need someone to talk down to you.....ever

This happens sometimes- it happened in our extended family when I was a little girl. It's painful but you need to draw a line under it now. I don't want to blame your husband as he was caught "on the hop" but his refusal to shake hands I think has sealed it now.

Thinking of you.

Your ex-friend sounds controlling. I think you're better off out of it.

On the face of it - as you don’t say what went wrong between your OH and friend’s brother - it seems your OH started this by sending a stupid email and finished it by refusing to shake hands - we don’t know the reason why your friend circulated the series of emails but maybe other friends were asking why the animosity between you and she felt the only way was to publicise the event - your OH seems to be rigid and selfish and has cost you your friendship with this person - you say thar on reflection she was difficult in many ways but this seems to me to be a defence mechanism on your part - you are trying to rationalise not being in each other’s lives - if you remained friends for 30 years then she couldn’t have been what you say otherwise why would you put up with her?

I am going through the same. I have decided to have no more contact with a long term 'friend'. A very needy, negative, attention seeking, intolearnt, bigoted woman. I have literally had enough. How I put up with her all these years, I,ll never know. Her negativity is getting me down. She has a lovely family but never appreciates her life.
At my age, I need positivity and positive people.

Hi Philippa. We are powerless over other peoples behaviours and their opinion of us, And their response to us is more to do with them than us. We all can make mistakes. One person is able to forgive, another will withdraw and another will punish. The way to move forward is to not give our power away to other people’s inability. Everyone has a choice as to how they behave. Your friend seems not very enlightened and has a need to hold on to negativity. Let her carry on feeling bad.. Do you really need to be around that? as I say that’s her choice. If you got it wrong, have some self compassion and forgive yourself.. sane for your husband and her. I suggest choosing peace rather than drama! Doing a mindfulness course can help with regaining balance and perspective. Good luck.

How horrible for you. I'm sorry to say your husband's crass action of refusing to shake hands will have reinforced any bad feelings. Your friend will feel very defensive for her husband especially if there were other people about. I hate to say this but you can either decide that's the end of good times with them both, ask your husband to apologise for his behaviour, carry on as you are. What a waste of what sounds like you had a great relationship. Hugs to you.

I have had a similar experience back in February. I constantly dream about this friend but I agree with what others have said, sometimes you just can't go back. I think it takes time and you go through a period of grief. If my mind starts on that path I deliberately think of something else. I hope you can move on from it all soon. Hugs x

It sounds like your H behaved badly but it was not your fault and your friend shouldn't have involved you. You could have stayed friends. She sounds controlling anyway. I think you should just forget about her. You say you have other good friends so its not as if you really need her. Things change in life sometimes. Maybe try not to think about it and get on with your life, just as I'm sure she is. Don't let her ruin your peace of mind.

Mollyplop

I know how you feel, I think of all the years wasted, how I’ve not only lost her friendship, but missed her lovely girls growing up.

But it is what it is, and although we can be friendly when we occasionally meet, it could never be the same.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It seems that any remote chance of any sort of reconciliation went out the window with your husbands childish response at the wedding. I agree with the idea of you grieving this relationship. The advice of making new friends, keeping busy was good. Best of luck.

Your husband caused all of this with humiliating emails and then, 2yra later when offered an olive branch -he refused!!!
What a Pratt! He has wrecked your friendship and I can’t believe you’re not more annoyed with him.
IF you want your friend then you should tell her that your husband is a Pratt, and I. The wrong, but he doesn’t speak for you and can you go for a coffee and talk things through.
If you don’t want to do that - then time will help and you’ll miss her less.

Hi Philippa60, I’m so sorry to read about your breakup with a long term friend. 2 years ago a similar think happened to me, a friend of over 20 years couldn’t accept I didn’t want to see her facebook posts of very sick animals. I tried to just block her posts but mistakingly unfriended her. It was a genuine mistake but she took it very very badly, and didn’t even ask why, just emailed me to say, nice knowing you but goodbye. I tried to explain but she wasn’t having any of it. To be honest it was quite a high maintenance friendship, she lives in Spain so it was a lot of emailing and I hadn’t realised how much energy she sucked from me until it was over. A year later she tried to renew the friendship but to be honest, I knew I was better off without it and said no.
Your friendship also sounds very high maintenance, you shouldn’t have to worry what your saying when your with a friend, you should be comfortable to talk about anything and everything (especially after 30 years) my advice would be, that it probably isn’t a friendship worth having. Enjoy the challenge of meeting new people that truly want you as a friend.

Rutheleanor Totally agree. I had a friend who was so narcissistic. Now after 35 years I feel I've got myself back. I do miss her humour but not the drama.

I have been through the ending of a very longstanding friendship. I do very much feel for you as it is painful. In my experience when a friend comes under the influence of partner/husband things change. My honest advice, go through your grieving process but let this all go. Even if you did make up, the friendship will never be the same. Ive got to be honest and say as time has gone on I rarely think about her now, but was devastated when it happened. I ended it as it was me always trying to make contact and my friend always saying she was busy( how I hate that b*** word). Yet, she always seemed to have time to meet other people. I also suspect husband/partner managed her social calendar. I regret nothing as in a way I was relieved. As others have said you cannot go back. Just move on with your life.

I’m another one with a difficult ‘friend’. We have been friends for almost 40 years but I think she is not very well mentally. We had a big falling out last January and we made up superficially but it’s never been the same. Despite her saying leave it, it’s all forgotten over and over again, she obviously hasn’t forgotten it at all and we had a big row last week and she brought it all up again! My husband had sent an email last January, thanking them for the years of friendship but saying it was best to finish. That email has been thrown up in my face and she obviously doesn’t believe that I knew nothing about it until afterwards. I wish I’d left it like that then but I’ve apologised (I’ve nothing to apologise for), grovelled, done what she wanted, trodden on eggshells ever since which has made me very anxious and depressed and on antidepressants! When this row blew up, I finally said I don’t need this, I can’t stand it, it’s got me down. I felt she was like a 5 yr old, asking if I don’t want to be her friend any more! Oh fgs!

Could you write a letter to your friend. Perhaps saying your H was silly to refuse your Hs handshake and now regrets it. Also perhaps saying there's been silliness and misunderstandings on both sides and you are so sorry for your and your H's side of this. Ask her if she will meet at a café you both like without the involvement of the men and see if you both can begin to understand again why you have been such good friends for so long.

If you can make this happen concentrate on the good times you have had together and try to avoid talking about the recent problems except for a cursory mention if necessary.