Break up - from "best friend"

Can't you just see her without your husband, and make an agreement that he and the incident won't be mentioned by either of you again? Then you won't be forced to defend your husband and start it all up again.

why did you keep a friendship so long with someone like that? I think lots of us have done the same.I had a collection of similar type so called friends, some family too, over the past 9 years ,I have got rid of them all,the result, is I have fewer but closer, real friends.I have one left ,who I am slowly easing out of my life.get rid of the old wood and fresh springs will grow,its quoted a lot ,but ive found it to be true.The roots of being surrounded by toxic people were rooted in my childhood ,took a long time to sort of work it out though!

You know, I've come to the conclusion that in my sixties I don't need 'friends' like that. I always say I have plenty of family and friends who love me and can do without the negativity. Good luck OP

A true friend would have spoken to you and had your back

There are 4 of you in this relationship breakdown. Whilst your H acted irresponsibly you can't exactly just end it with him. Your friend's brother somehow upset your H. That is where it should have ended. However your friend then became involved and started gossip mongering. Unless all had agreed at the time that the situation had got out of hand then, thinking you can now go back as if nothing had happened is very naive. Move on, two years is a long time to dwell on what's happened. Your friend obviously isn't bothered as there has been no contact from her on the matter.

Phew, what a tangle. Your H behaved foolishly with the email, your friend behaved appallingly circulating it. Perhaps you are so upset about this because you (and her H it seems) did absolutely nothing wrong and can't do anything either to put it right. Your social life, and indeed your life, was changed by the actions of other people. I think you did right to support your H as his action was foolish in the extreme - no doubt he was upset on your behalf too - but he couldn't have foreseen that his private rant, which should have been only between him and the brother, was going to be published to friends and family. Your friend, on the other hand behaved really badly and should have apologised to you both publicly either in front of all the people to whom she circulated the email or by email to all the same people. She ruined your birthday celebration and your social life. Perhaps your H shouldn't have refused the handshake as her H seems to have done nothing wrong and, at least for himself, wanted to move on, but I can understand the spur of the moment reaction. You have to let it go I feel as it is out of your control and you have no alternative. I have to say you are probably better off without her in your life.

If one of my family or friends falls out with me I always think they will need me before I need them. And invariably yes they do. I'm a good friend but I do hold a grudge and never really forgive if someone really upset me. I tend to be ok the first couple of times but once I have finished that's the end.
If you can't be yourself around this person and she told everyone except you about these emails then she's not really worth knowing as not straight with you. It's toxic move onto nicer people. All the best.

We still don’t really know all the circumstances, it appears your husband has acted stupidly and childishly, but we don’t really know why, if he feels that you have both been treated very badly by your friend and her brother, maybe he felt unable to shake this mans hand.

I think your friend is mostly at fault.

You need to move on. Nothing left to salvage. The grand handshake gesture at the wedding tells all. Bury this and enjoy your family and friends life is too short.

I would be more sad that my husband, who presumably knew what upset he had caused, couldn’t put your feelings first and accept the handshake. It seems that whatever your friend’s faults were, your husband has been instrumental in breaking up a long standing friendship. I’d be inclined to invite your friend to meet for coffee sans husbands. Nothing ever gets resolved without communication.

Everyone, your responses have been so kind and supportive and also thought provoking, thank you so much!
I didn't want to waffle on with details but needless to say that H's e-mail to ex-friend's brother was in response to a way out of line e-mail from him! It had also been agreed between H and friend's brother than friend was not to be involved in any way as this was a "business transaction" around making the film, indeed brother charged H a fortune for what was being made....
The really unbelievable thing to me was that as soon as H responded in the way he did to brother, brother took the correspondence and forwarded it to sister (ex-friend) who then shared it widely without telling me what was going on. I was completely blind sided and agree with a few of you here (e.g. justwokeup) that this was appalling behavior.
I met with ex-friend for 3 long conversations after this all blew up but her bottom line was that H had behaved disgracefully and they were completely justified in refusing to discuss what had happened (I did suggest that even a murderer has the chance to present his side in court but she disagreed - acting like judge, jury and executioner).
It just went down hill since then with no contact at all.
Her H would not let mine in the door when he popped around there to drop something off soon after this all blew up. They have both ignored him ever since so I guess the offer of a handshake at the wedding was "too little too late" for my H, although I am really upset with him that he was not able to put his feelings aside for my sake, and accept the handshake.
As I've worked through the friendship and all the issues I faced, I have regretfully come to realize that I was losing myself and allowing her to abuse me in many ways. Her criticism and judgment of everything I did were extreme and noticed by many (not just towards me, this is her pattern, but not everyone let her get away with it the way I did).
Anyway at this stage I totally agree that there is nothing left to salvage, nor do I want to get back with her. Thinking about it makes me shudder, kind of like a feeling of "post trauma". Sorry if that sounds too dramatic.
Again, the support I need is in how to feel OK about myself and H moving forward and leave her in the past. I still miss aspects of the friendship but realize that overall it was not healthy for me, or us.
Thanks for listening, I do really appreciate the support and my heart goes out to all those of you who have experienced something similar - it is so painful....

Most of your posts are not particularly complementary about your old friend, you realise the friendship is over, but you seem unable to move on. Try to remember all the good times you had together, every time you think of her being controlling think instead of the fun the two of you had. It's much easier to cope with life with happy memories and you should have many of these over such a long friendship. Be kind in your thoughts to both your old friend and yourself.

Thanks, 123kitty, indeed there were good times too and I miss those desperately. Good advice to let go with love, and not with anger... thank you

I think what I've learned during my lifetime, about any relationship is that whatever you'd like to see happen will never materialise unless the other person wants it too.
Whilst this can be both sad and frustrating it's worth remembering that however you see it, and no matter how hard you try to explain it, the other person clearly has a very different view, and usually a different moral compass!
Counselling is a good suggestion, it will allow you the space to discuss this without feeling "like you are going on and on about it". It may also help you come to terms with the fact that friends aren't always in our lives for life, sometimes they are just there for a reason, sadly in this case the reasons seem to have been very mixed.
I do hope that you are able to find some support with this dilemma.

Hi Good Evening my thoughts go out to you, well in a nutshell cut your ties and move on, write a list if it makes you feel better of the good times v bad times this helps to get it out of your head, ask yourself do I want a relationship with a friend this way yes their will be small things with friends but when it comes to the big stuff like you have explained to me it would be cut the wood and remove, I have done this a few times in this last decade it makes room for what you want in your life and free from stress just think of the memory it leaves you with like your 60 Birthday ask yourself do I wish to continue ?

They say if you don’t use something for 2 years you don’t need it, and as I see it this lady is something you don’t need, I don’t blame your H for doing what he did, let’s face it he must see what you have been going through, life is to short to waste your time and health on this any longer, and good for your H for standing by you. Your own instincts told you how she was, (your just a nice person ) I had a long time so called friend and my daughter found her stealing from me, the shock is devastating, I too found it hard to come to terms with the loss of a friend, that was over 15years now and I don’t give her a second thought, it will get easier for you, the best thing to do is if it all starts playing on your mind like it did me (anger ) can become all consuming I just say STOP that’s the past, and think of the nice people in my life. Be happy.

Many of us has had this happen. In the end you will be better off without this toxic relationship. you blame yourself for not doing more but honestly please come to terms with the fact that this relationship was NOT worth saving. love yourself and who you are it is braver and wiser to walk away- you will start to feel happier and think about her less and less until one day...soon i hope you wont think of her at all. best xx

I think in this case it’s better to let it all rest. Say no more & try not to think about it all. Moving on is difficult but essential to your emotional health.

Live in the present and appreciate the little things in life on a daily basis. Put the past where it belongs. And plan future outings or events you can enjoy with other people. Most of all forgive your husband his mistakes. His initial idea was a celebration of you as a person he loves; it just got out of hand.

I hope you recover soon. Very best wishes

Jakori18

I had a similar experience many years ago when most things were paid in cash. Money started disappearing from the house, I really thought it was my neighbour who was always short of money, turned out to be my friend!

Philappa60 I can see how much this has upset you but it does seem as though eventually it won't hurt as much and you will realise she wasn't much of a friend.

It's so sad when this happens, but it seeems from the posts that many have had the same kind of thing. Perhaps reflect upon how it might be if you did patch things up; would your friendship, which seemed a little uneasy in any event, be able to move on, having had a grenade explode in the middle of it? It might be even harder to try to get things going again, and cause you even more grief. When people start to react in ways that are alien to your own behaviour, it might be wiser to move on and try to get over what seems like a bereavement - and so it is, as the death of a friendship is never easy.

This reads like a spat between primary school childen - although men (and sometimes women) can behave like this on occasion. She doesn't sound like she was a good friend to start with - count your blessings that she and her family are no longer in your life - which is too short to be stressing about altercations between grown adults! Support your husband and forget about your toxic friend and her family.

Philippa60...

Just to clarify (in case I missed any part of this)......Your best friend's brother and H had a disagreement over the B'day video. Entire dispute was rehashed via emails written by best friend's (BF's) brother and then broadcast primarily on social media by BF herself. In a misguided effort to exclude your own H, BF tried to coerce you into a 'No Boys Allowed' at your own party ! Your H played no small part in it either, having written a few nasty emails of his own and by driving the situation further South when he refused a conciliatory handshake.

The way I see it you have two choices:

a. Write BF off for good and move on. Too much drama and too much work.

b. However....If still value her friendship (despite all her faults), then consider salvaging it.
I would gather all three perpetrators without prior notice (H included). Begin by emphasizing how upset you are because collectively, they selfishly ruined your special B'day and a 30 year friendship in the process.

All three (including H) should also apologize to each other for the nasty emails, the rude behavior and the airing of grievances on social media. Sorting this out like adults should go a long way towards mending your friendship.

If Plan b backfires, then there's nothing gained and nothing lost.

I tried to shorten my post and deleted the most important part namely that all three owe you the biggest apology!!

This is so sad for you. A 30 year friendship is such a long time. You've wasted 2 years of your life on something you can't change which is such a pity.
I agree with others that say your friendship couldn't be the same again after this.
Don't spoil another day, turn another page in the book of life and start a new chapter. I hope it holds much happiness.