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How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

(123 Posts)
TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 01:53:58

Hi all, I'm new to this forum and hoping for some wisdom, experienced thoughts,grab a cuppa its a long one (sorry)

I'm a mum of 3 grown up kids 27-21, gran of 2 both estranged sadly.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16, married at 26, we're now both 47

I've never been confident about my image (which I put down to childhood trauma) though I am told I have a great figure for my age and inherited my mother & gran's ample bust haha!

Anyhow to get to the point I have always felt insecure, blaming the above, us getting together at a young age, him taking so much more longer than me to grow up and his secretive ways, hiding stuff that he knows I won't like from me doesn't help either (porn) not to mention his numerous boys holidays abroad, where I have been unable to contact him for days,he went away for 5 days and never once made contact though his friends wives told me they had spoken to their partners which hurt deeply

A couple of years back I was looking for photos to personalize a card for our anniversary (I never take photos) I came across the most vile porn videos on his phone, one was a violation of an unconscious woman which I was so disturbed by I can't erase from my memory! I felt sick and went crazy with him (probably wrong but I was repulsed he found that entertaining) he said it was what other folk sent him and he forgot to delete them,like that made it ok? I decided at this point we had very different ideas of marriage and I was now running a succesful business so was financially secure, but he begged/pleaded and got very emotional promising to change and do anything to make the marriage work so we didn't split up and he changed or I thought he had anyway.

So to bring this up to date sometimes I dont trust that hes not getting his kicks from that still so I checked his phone as I was suspicious when every time I left the room he picked up his phone and quickly closed it when I came back.

Some of his male contacts on Whatsapp have all conversations deleted even though they are recent conversations as they are close to the top of the list even above our kids conversations, one of these contacts I remembered was the one prolific in sharing the above content so I can guess why the conversation/images/videos have been deleted.

So I know he has Facebook messenger and went to check that except I couldnt find it on his phone, the only device he uses at home, (he works away 2 weeks work/ 3 home) so I look in his installed apps and there it is well hidden from my prying eyes 😒 there was a few videos of young girls exposing their boobs/bottoms and doing extreme things with sex toys who look late teens (though who can tell these days) he shared with his pals(?) saying perfect pair of t*ts...perfect a*se ....look at this perfect p*ssy etc etc so now I am losing sleep once again, am I the one with the problem apart from my menopause/sadness from family issues/trust issues? Advice and words of wisdom very much appreciated please x

LuckyFour Fri 08-Nov-19 11:08:50

No way would I even think of continuing to live with a man like this. Get out while you're still young enough to have a good life, with or without another man. Your H lies to you as well as all the other things. Don't delay, leave him!

PamelaJ1 Fri 08-Nov-19 11:18:18

Why would you want to compete?

TrendyNannie6 Fri 08-Nov-19 11:20:24

Reading your post turns my stomach an unconscious woman being raped, he’d have his clothes packed, you are worth so much more than this. I certainly wouldn’t want him around the house. Let alone in my bed. He’s addicted so I doubt very much if he will change, kick him to the kerb, so you can live your life the way you deserve to live it. Not stressed and upset n having to check his phone etc all the time, certainly not what marriage is about , Good luck to you

jaylucy Fri 08-Nov-19 11:23:46

I think it's time for the parting of the ways.
Your husband needs help . His addiction is most probably the reason he is unable to have proper sex with you or maybe it's the other way round, that he is watching porn because.
One thing I find missing is the fact that you have not said "I still love him but etc" so is it worth staying ?
Stop comparing yourself to these poor women on the videos, you are worth more than that.
Oh, about that video that was supposedly deleted - police these days can still find items on a phone, lap top, iPad even though it has been deleted. For all you know, they may already be building a case around this - report what you found.

ladymuck Fri 08-Nov-19 11:25:56

When I found out that my husband got his kicks from porn, I didn't say anything. I just stopped having sex with him. It was never much good to start with, so I was glad of an excuse. Having sex with a man who enjoyed watching degrading sex repulsed me.

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 11:27:09

Ican.. Yep!
TAS. Im no prude so 'harmless' porn is one thing but i hope you do take this further if you have genuine suspicions that your husband may be involved in the more sinister side of pornography.
You don't want to find yourself in a position where you are being accused of being complicit with his activities... Distance yourself!

Jillybird Fri 08-Nov-19 11:36:06

I'm not as horrified as some who have posted here, although I'm not sure why. You have been urged to leave him, but is that what you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him if he stopped the porn and addressed his addiction? Imagine a dirty old man of 86... Or a nice old man of 86?
One thing is definitely for certain, it's absolutely nothing at all to do with you, your body or your confidence, so take that out of your mind. Big hugs!

grannygranby Fri 08-Nov-19 11:49:08

Definitely leave him. He gets turned on by humiliating women...thats the long and short of it. power to you big hug 🤗 flowers

Mealybug Fri 08-Nov-19 12:11:58

I wouldn't be staying with him either as I could never trust him, especially when he goes away and doesn't contact you for days on end. Do it clinically, sort out all your finances out first and make sure you have somewhere to go, you obviously don't need his financial support anyway. If you don't want to face him with it leave when he's away, but certainly think of yourself. Why should you have to put up with this kind of behaviour, you only live once, go out and enjoy the rest of your life with someone you can trust.

Jinty44 Fri 08-Nov-19 12:41:35

"I decided at this point we had very different ideas of marriage and I was now running a succesful business so was financially secure, but he begged/pleaded and got very emotional promising to change and do anything to make the marriage work so we didn't split up and he changed or I thought he had anyway."
I'm very glad to hear you are financially secure! Because he hasn't kept his promises, has he? He hasn't changed, and as for 'do anything' - well, what has he done? Continued to lie, continued to access disgusting porn, continued to be rubbish in bed, continued to chip away at your self-esteem.In what way does this marriage work for you?

I agree with others, get your paperwork in order, get his stuff packed up and kick him out.

polnan Fri 08-Nov-19 12:52:50

I haven`t read all the comments,

I am with Stella, but then it is easy for us,, me! to judge and say I would do this or I would do that.... in any other persons story,
I thought porn was illegal.... I could not condone it.

pinkquartz Fri 08-Nov-19 12:52:59

I agree with most of the PP's who say he is unlikely to change, he is the problem not you.

I notice you were married at 16 which is very young. I would guess that he has never been through the experimenting stage. This is not an excuse but another reason why I doubt it will ever work with him and you being married anymore.

I hope you will look after yourself and either kick him out or leave. Whichever you prefer.
He is going to drag you down further. You are still young at 47. Don't wait til you are older.

I haven't commented on the porn cos it has all been said by PP's.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 08-Nov-19 12:53:53

TAS27
What are perfect tits? Perfect to whom? which appears in this instance to be the opinion of H and friends. If you find anything pornographic in your house then contact the police.

Bridgeit Fri 08-Nov-19 13:29:52

Please TAS27, Make a new life for yourself whilst you still can.
You are worth so much more than this,,
Do not let him drag you down into his gutter, with the rest of the sleaze balls. You are way way too good for him , leave him with his perverted filth, cleanse your mind & soul & begin to live a life you well & truly deserve. If it seems too scary , remember that there are organisations that will help you, best wishes .

NfkDumpling Fri 08-Nov-19 13:43:06

Why are you still with him? What are his good points? Does he have any?

omega1 Fri 08-Nov-19 13:46:51

Just remember you are a perfect woman, don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

Madmaggie Fri 08-Nov-19 13:47:27

You don't deserve this. I don't think he will ever change either. Get out now but take legal advise first, make all your assets watertight, protect your future because he will not do anything decent by you. I strongly suspect that he has another phone and devices that you know nothing about. This man is an abuser and is annhialiting any feeling of worth you have and it will get worse if you stay. Think of your own safety too. Do not protect him, do not believe him. Keep strong, wishing you future happiness.

FlexibleFriend Fri 08-Nov-19 13:54:59

Porn is not illegal for over 18's so contacting the police would be pointless. What adults get up to at home is up to them but the point is TAS27 is unhappy with what's going on understandably but it's not a police matter. The problem is this stuff is rife online and seems to be shared among mates, they just think their wives are frigid for not seeing what they see they can't see the problem is them.

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 14:07:22

Well FF some porn is very illegal and the point is the op has alluded to possible underage stuff, so while I agree with you in principle (can you imagine all the teenagers who would be reported to the police) i do think she should keep her eye on the situation.

lemongrove Fri 08-Nov-19 14:12:47

Men view this differently to women ( although not extreme porn or anything involving an apparently unconscious woman of course.)It’s so easy to find on the Internet now and no doubt some men are fascinated by it.If your husband seems addicted to it have a talk with him and say you will leave him if it doesn’t stop pronto, maybe a shock will change the behaviour.
Do you love him? If not really, then you have your answer.

Theoddbird Fri 08-Nov-19 14:14:22

Get yourself out of this situation. Next time he is away pack all his stuff up and put it out and change the locks on your doors. The fact that he had pictures of young girls on his phone is absolutely disgusting....law breaking. He is probably part of something illegal by the way.

Theoddbird Fri 08-Nov-19 14:17:33

I send you live peace and courage x

yggdrasil Fri 08-Nov-19 14:30:40

Your heading is How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

From what you have said, you don't want to compete, since his idea of a 'perfect' woman is quite abnormal.
So do what others have said, get legal advice and get rid.

Coconut Fri 08-Nov-19 14:34:37

His extreme addiction leaves no space to show you any care, concern or respect. He is clearly making you feel extremely uncomfortable etc and your own feelings must now be your only concern. The holidays away with no contact ring huge alarm bells with me also. A relationship should enhance your life not make you feel so worthless, so please think carefully about finding peace in your head even if this means divorce. You can rebuild your life and feel good about yourself 💐good luck.

Philippa60 Fri 08-Nov-19 15:07:27

This definitely sounds like a sex / porn addiction and agree with the many posters who have suggested you need to get out. You tried to discuss it with him but he just went further underground so he is clearly not going to change. The deleted text messages and trips away with no contact are huge red flags.
Good for you that you are financially independent and can make a new life for yourself.
Wishing you all the best - you deserve so much more!