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How can I compete with his idea of a perfect woman

(123 Posts)
TAS27 Fri 08-Nov-19 01:53:58

Hi all, I'm new to this forum and hoping for some wisdom, experienced thoughts,grab a cuppa its a long one (sorry)

I'm a mum of 3 grown up kids 27-21, gran of 2 both estranged sadly.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16, married at 26, we're now both 47

I've never been confident about my image (which I put down to childhood trauma) though I am told I have a great figure for my age and inherited my mother & gran's ample bust haha!

Anyhow to get to the point I have always felt insecure, blaming the above, us getting together at a young age, him taking so much more longer than me to grow up and his secretive ways, hiding stuff that he knows I won't like from me doesn't help either (porn) not to mention his numerous boys holidays abroad, where I have been unable to contact him for days,he went away for 5 days and never once made contact though his friends wives told me they had spoken to their partners which hurt deeply

A couple of years back I was looking for photos to personalize a card for our anniversary (I never take photos) I came across the most vile porn videos on his phone, one was a violation of an unconscious woman which I was so disturbed by I can't erase from my memory! I felt sick and went crazy with him (probably wrong but I was repulsed he found that entertaining) he said it was what other folk sent him and he forgot to delete them,like that made it ok? I decided at this point we had very different ideas of marriage and I was now running a succesful business so was financially secure, but he begged/pleaded and got very emotional promising to change and do anything to make the marriage work so we didn't split up and he changed or I thought he had anyway.

So to bring this up to date sometimes I dont trust that hes not getting his kicks from that still so I checked his phone as I was suspicious when every time I left the room he picked up his phone and quickly closed it when I came back.

Some of his male contacts on Whatsapp have all conversations deleted even though they are recent conversations as they are close to the top of the list even above our kids conversations, one of these contacts I remembered was the one prolific in sharing the above content so I can guess why the conversation/images/videos have been deleted.

So I know he has Facebook messenger and went to check that except I couldnt find it on his phone, the only device he uses at home, (he works away 2 weeks work/ 3 home) so I look in his installed apps and there it is well hidden from my prying eyes 😒 there was a few videos of young girls exposing their boobs/bottoms and doing extreme things with sex toys who look late teens (though who can tell these days) he shared with his pals(?) saying perfect pair of t*ts...perfect a*se ....look at this perfect p*ssy etc etc so now I am losing sleep once again, am I the one with the problem apart from my menopause/sadness from family issues/trust issues? Advice and words of wisdom very much appreciated please x

juneo Mon 11-Nov-19 10:52:19

Leave him! You're stronger than you think and braver than you feel xxx

NfkDumpling Sun 10-Nov-19 21:26:15

Good luck Tas Glad you've got your mum and sister to support you and you're not facing the future alone.

Callistemon Sun 10-Nov-19 20:31:55

Tas27 thank you for the update.

You are worth more than that, good luck for the future.

Namsnanny Sun 10-Nov-19 15:35:14

TAS27 ... thanks for the update, all the luck in the world to you for the future.shamrock
Be sure to let us know how you get on if you feel like doing sosmile

Bridgeit Sun 10-Nov-19 12:33:05

Well done TAS27, best wishes it’s not an easy decision to make, onwards & upwards , keep looking ahead , you are worth so much more than you have previously accepted 💐

Specky Sun 10-Nov-19 12:20:26

Good on ya TAS27.

TAS27 Sun 10-Nov-19 11:37:44

Apologies for dissappering I decided to go and stay with my sister and discuss everything with her and my mum,especially as they know him in real life and knew about our divorce talks last time but not the real reason, back then I guess I was protecting his character by saying his addiction to the computer destroyed the marriage,they were shocked and have said the same as everyone on here.
I will remove his laptop from the house, thanks to whoever suggested that.
I don't think I love him anymore, I just don't know who he is.
I will focus all my strength on putting things in place so I walkaway from this mess with my head held high and everything thats due to me,thank you all, I do appreciate all the advice and the thought that not all men are the same, thankfully!

Purplepoppies Sun 10-Nov-19 11:15:35

I'm imagining being a first time poster, pouring my heart out, then being accused of being A) Male B) A liar , would not make me come back to the post at all.....
I can only assume GNHQ have checked the legitimacy of the OP and deemed it ok otherwise it would have been taken down.
It's sad when posters are questioned like this I think. Everyone starts with a 'first' post....

Namsnanny Sun 10-Nov-19 10:03:08

Grapefruitpip … There is no trust assigned to an open public forum.

That's the point of having a pseudonym/sobriquet etc.!

So a post is taken down? Yes its annoying, but no more than encountering a rude poster.

Disappearing op's, well I suppose everyone has the right to be a wally and post lies or just hop it!
Lets be fair, nobody owes us an answer.
In real life things change, and perhaps people don't want to come back and admit they've chosen to go against the majority verdict. Or their embarrassed, or just lazy.

In that case scenario I can imagine some would just turn tail.

Anyway, what would people talk about if not others posts Haha grin!!

Callistemon Sun 10-Nov-19 09:10:25

painting the best analogy I can think of is that, as far as we are concerned, this is all hearsay which is inadmissible as evidence. All anyone can do is to report the thread to GNHQ for their consideration.
If this is all true then the OP must decide on what, if any, action she will take after considering the advice given.

I would ask why the family is estranged?

NfkDumpling Sun 10-Nov-19 09:04:56

We can only ask Specky and wait.

Specky Sun 10-Nov-19 07:29:56

As a relatively new poster i was wondering myself what the etiquette is with regard to asking the op to join back in with the discussion?

grapefruitpip Sun 10-Nov-19 06:44:10

The point of the wind up scenario is it is about trust.

Many kind hearted people have posted long, well considered responses to questions and struggles.

The OP then disappears or the thread is removed.

Namsnanny Sun 10-Nov-19 03:55:17

Hetty… I must say your comments are the ones that have a male tone attached to them (the need to be aggressive and pejorative when discussing pornography). Down grading pornography by attacking those how oppose it.

Why is the legitimacy of this poster so important?

If this is a wind up, so what?
It's a subject that we can all comment on and no one will be hurt by doing just that!

You keep showing a bias that is stopping a proper discussion.

My thought was and still is, that your replies fail to show understanding of the effects of the porn industry on everyday normal men and women.

Not with standing how dreadful it is for those involved.

This is not a benign pass time that has been over inflated, and used to create a reason for divorce.

If a person isn't being treated how they wished in a relationship isn't it a good reason to seek to leave?

That's what most people were saying.
The porn was the symptom of this mans personality and a clear sign of the priority his wife has in his life.

I hope you will reply to my posts, as I'm simply mystified and interested as to why you feel the need to say the things you have.

Callistemon Sat 09-Nov-19 23:06:14

Yes, it is, but the only way in this instance is to report the thread to GNHQ which you have already done.

rosecarmel Sat 09-Nov-19 23:03:24

Human trafficking and pornography are linked- How would anyone know for certain if a video is a semi-produced performance or footage of human suffering- Sad 🌎 ..

rosecarmel Sat 09-Nov-19 22:45:48

I don't know where you live but in the US there are laws in place that protect electronic privacy as well as devices- Taking a device without permission, tampering with programs, files and correspondence is unlawful - Even more legally troublesome if the devices are employer owned-

Cooler heads prevail- Get legal counsel immediately as well as your financial ducks lined up- And remember this: You are his equal, he's not your idea of what defines "husband"-

Good luck- shamrock

paintingthetownred Sat 09-Nov-19 22:22:47

Re: Callistemon's comment. Disagree. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, not just the moderation. Yes, they should take the whole thread down. Rubbish moderation, absolutely unbelievably disgusting.

M0nica Sat 09-Nov-19 21:09:41

Never having advocated divorce, I wouldn't know, but every behaviour has a range from those who occasional dip into something to those who are at the extremes

It is like gambling. Some enjoy an occasional flutter on the Derby or FA cup, some would sell their children into slavery to get money to gamble.

From the OP, I think the writer has good reason to be suspicious of her husband and what he is up to, not only online but on his 'boys holiday's abroad'. Under the circumstances, investigating what he might be up to online seems reasonable in the context of his other behaviour.

I think the OP may be US based, which might account for the use of language.

Hetty58 Sat 09-Nov-19 20:48:40

MOnica, upon re-reading it myself, it struck me that the terms chosen were male - but that could just be the impression I had. I was instantly suspicious of a newbie (who just so happened to have childhood trauma and estranged gc for good measure) admitting to rifling through her husband's phone, Facebook and Whatsapp too - is that acceptable behaviour!

With the majority of men watching porn, will there now be a mad rush to the divorce courts do you think?

M0nica Sat 09-Nov-19 20:42:53

Not really Urmstongran many a newbie's first post and first thread is to seek help when agonised by a family problem, whether marital, estrangement issues or dealing with other family problems.

Urmstongran Sat 09-Nov-19 20:12:43

Oops yes Namsnanny so I did!!

Anyone else think back to when they were a newbie on GN? Slightly apprehensive maybe and then oh the decision wondering whether to start an actual thread?

This one - a newbie.

So different from the norm. Makes you think don’t it?

M0nica Sat 09-Nov-19 20:11:20

I am still trying to work out why if the OP has discovered that her husband is using porn why on earth she shouldn't have been monitoring his phone on the various media he uses in order to find the extent to which he is using it.

This strikes me as a perfectly sensible and normal thing to do. If he was watching criminal sites, it is what the police would do to investigate it. I would certainly be doing it if I ever had any reason to believe my DH was betraying me in anyway and I would assume he would do similar if he had any suspicions of me.

Bridgeit Sat 09-Nov-19 20:03:15

Well I am not sure what is going on here , if it’s a spoof , well how sad & pathetic & GN should be on it , very disappointing if aren’t .
And for anyone who finds this topic amusing , shame on you , perhaps you should walk in someone else’s shoes before you make further comments .

Callistemon Sat 09-Nov-19 20:03:10

I think the thread has been reported to GNHQ, Hetty58 so they are the best ones to judge whether it is valid and whether or not it should be deleted.