Gransnet forums


Am I a prude?

(127 Posts)
onaclearday Sat 09-Nov-19 09:12:31

I am in my late 70s, married twice and recently met a lovely caring kind widower. In both my marriages I enjoyed a mutually satisfying physical relationship. The new man in my life has revealed that his wife didn't like sex and he read porn magazines to relieve his needs and has looked at porn on the internet. I was totally shocked as I never expected that. Our relationship is still in the development stage. He insists that all men read porn but I don't believe that. If either of my husbands had those magazines I would have found them, believe me. He has discussed this with his daughters (40/50 year olds) and they think it is normal. I find this weird. It is not something I could discuss with any of my children or friends. Can you , dear gransnetters, please enlighten me as to whether or not I have led a sheltered life and if I am being narrow minded to see this in the same light as dirty old men in raincoats? I can't get the images out of my head ....

Gran2028 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:16:04

I dont think it matters if its 'normal' or not. If you are not comfortable with it, that is all that matters. We all have different 'normals' , it is what is acceptable to us individually that counts.

annsixty Sat 09-Nov-19 09:27:53

I would be very unhappy and wouldn’t be able to go on seeing this man.
I also don’t think it is normal even if very common.

Smileless2012 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:31:30

I agree with Gran, if it makes you feel uncomfortable that's what matters.

Like annsixty I wouldn't be happy about it and wouldn't want to continue with the relationship.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:33:24

I think it has sadly become the norm these days.
As a child my sister and I had to dust around the house and we found Dad's porn stash in a bedroom cupboard. There were 'spanking' pictures which we giggled at - very tame by todays standards.
What is more to the point - what kind of porn is it? If it's nasty and violent I'd say goodbye.

cornergran Sat 09-Nov-19 09:33:35

If it’s unacceptable to you it truly doesn’t matter whether this man and his family think it’s ‘normal’. You’re uncomfortable already onaclearday, as I would be. It truly doesn’t sound the relationship for you.

Ashcombe Sat 09-Nov-19 09:35:51

I would think about what you want from a relationship. Your assessment of this man as kind and caring suggests that he’s a suitable partner. To his credit, he has been open about his need for porn and, with its availability on the internet, more men (and women) can access it. Would you welcome a physical relationship with him? If not, then his ability to take care of his own needs in that respect might suit you.
Remember, men continue to produce sperm throughout their lives so have a greater need for release than many women in the autumn of their years, although that is not universally true.
I hope you are able to work through these issues as your relationship develops. Good luck!

Grandad1943 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:35:57

Well onaclearday , I would not like to judge whether you are a "prude" as everyone has there own individual standards.

However, here is one man who never looks at porn and I object to assertation that all men do. I believe that such online sites and magazines degrade the gender of women and in that degrade the gender of men by way of visiting such sites or buying such material.

It should also be noted that in these times women also visit such online sites. Approximately a year ago a temporary woman member of our admin staff was found to have downloaded pornographic material onto a workstation computer she had been using. She received immediate dismissal for gross misconduct for breaching the security of our whole IT system, and that is exactly what she deserved in my book.

So if pornography offends you onaclearday then stay away from such persons who admit to viewing such material as not everyone does.

There are always "other fish in the sea"

Nannylovesshopping Sat 09-Nov-19 09:36:24

It’s horrible, and I’m not a prude by any means, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, get rid!

Teetime Sat 09-Nov-19 09:38:48

I would go with your instincts- if you are uncomfortable then let it go. I dont know about normal or abnormal in this sense but it is common largely because of the availability of the material but my DH isn't interested in it and he is an average kind of guy.

BlueBelle Sat 09-Nov-19 09:45:09

It’s what’s right for you and what’s right for him neither has to be right or wrong but sometimes the jigsaw pieces don’t fit
If it’s unacceptable to you then you can’t continue with the relationship as it’s obviously acceptable and normal for him It doesn’t make him a bad man (unless it’s abusive porn) and it doesn’t make you a prudish woman it just makes the relationship fit more difficult if not impossible

Alexa Sat 09-Nov-19 10:00:05

It would be all right for me if the man was able objectively to discuss the rights and wrongs of porn . If he was ignorant about porn's objectifying women and others then this man would be too stupid for my taste.

Porn is bad not because it is exciting but because it portrays unrealistic sex, and the porn makers profit from telling these lies.

crazyH Sat 09-Nov-19 10:05:51

I have been called a prude by my ex. I hope he's getting what he wants now, with the woman he left me for.

Liz46 Sat 09-Nov-19 10:14:42

I don't know how much you have expressed your dislike of him viewing porn but if I were you, I would choose my moment and sit down with him for a chat. Explain that you like him but his use of porn is a no no for you and ask, if you continue to see each other, would he be able to stop using it?

FlexibleFriend Sat 09-Nov-19 10:16:36

Porn is very common in mens lives these days, I think it depends on the kind of porn he's watching tbh. Anything that involves violence or children would make it taboo for me but anything else wouldn't bother me much. It also depends on how much time he spends watching it and whether or not he expects you to behave like a porn star.

blondenana Sat 09-Nov-19 10:18:22

I don't think all men look at porn, but a lot do, and if this man was getting his needs met by looking at porn, rather than having affairs that is maybe the best way to look at it,
If you are having a physical relationship, with him, he might not even think about watching pornographic stuff again
Hopefully what he was looking at was nothing terrible though
I would discuss this with him and find out where he stands on the issue now,and let him know you wouldn't approve, but i don't think it makes you a prude

SirChenjin Sat 09-Nov-19 10:37:46

Not all men or women look at porn, but many of both sexes do. I think it’s all about what you feel comfortable with, what type of porn is being looked at, whether it’s skewed their view of what a healthy relationship looks like and whether they want things you wouldn’t be comfortable with as a result. There are so many variables for me, but ultimately it’s what matters to you and no-one else, whether that’s on here or in ‘real life’

timetogo2016 Sat 09-Nov-19 10:41:45

I think the weirdest thing is him talking about it to hit children.
And not all men read porn I`m in my second marriage and neither of them have read it or gone on porn sites.
If you feel uncomfortable about it I feel you should think twice about being with him.

Oopsminty Sat 09-Nov-19 10:42:09

If you're not comfortable then he's not the man for you.

Lots of people use porn these days. Men and women. It's not as 'shocking' today.

But many people are still upset by it so if you can't cope with this knowledge you'll have to get rid.

Greeneyedgirl Sat 09-Nov-19 11:04:09

The positive aspect onaclearday is he seems a very open kind of guy discussing this with his children and you, especially as you say you are in the early stages of a relationship.

I think it has almost become normal for both sexes to access this stuff because it is so easy via the Internet, and doesn't involve embarrassment of going to buy mags etc.

Do you think he is intending to continue accessing porn if you become more deeply involved? This is something to take into consideration if you are uncomfortable about it.

Personally I have some reservations about pornography. Does viewing so called "soft porn" become so mundane that one progresses onto more "hard core porn".

I do find it difficult to believe that even the milder porn is not exploitative of, particularly the women, but also men who take part. More hard core porn, most certainly is, and some particularly involving children is illegal, and abhorrent in the extreme.

Happiyogi Sat 09-Nov-19 11:06:13

onaclearday, I suppose it's a positive that the subject has been discussed relatively early in your relationship rather than you making an unwelcome discovery later on. You haven't said if he intends to continue with his "hobby". Sometimes long-term users find it difficult to be satisfied by only a real life relationship.

Am I alone in thinking it an odd subject for him to discuss with adult daughters?

Ashcombe Sat 09-Nov-19 11:06:21

Grandad1943: Crikey!

You seem to be very well informed about the content of porn for someone who makes the “assertation”(sic) that he never visits such sites.

Fiachna50 Sat 09-Nov-19 11:14:07

I myself would not be comfortable with the situation. I find it very strange that he would discuss this with his adult children. But, this is only my opinion. I really don't know what to suggest to you. I must have led a sheltered life, is porn really that normal now?

onaclearday Sat 09-Nov-19 11:51:48

Thank you all for your comments, most of which echo my own thoughts and I find reassuring. I think I will have to find out if he is still visiting these sites or looking at the magazines. Like some of you I find it odd that he would discuss this with his adult children both of which I have met and found to be very pleasant. I think that I might find it uncomfortable next time I meet his daughters knowing what he has now told me. I will try to have a talk about it when we meet and see how I feel. At the moment I don't feel as though I want to develope a physical relationship with him though I had previously hoped to.

Grandad1943 Sat 09-Nov-19 12:01:08

Ashcombe Quote [ Grandad1943: Crikey!

You seem to be very well informed
about the content of porn for someone who makes the “assertation”(sic) that he never visits such sites.] End Quote.

Ashcombe, try reading my above post again that I contributed @9:35 today and then tell me where in that post I have given anyone any indication that I am "well informed" in regards to the content of porn sites.

Again, TRY READING POSTS thoroughly before you cast aspirations on the person who contributed a post.

Or are you another on this forum who believe that all men are the same in there outlook on life, that being thoroughly despicable.

Because like women we are not. ✌