Nosey dil

Yes, we are a nosey lot - the 'other' culture.

Maybe this is a small price to pay for seeing your son happily married?

What was your ex's motive in calling you with such a frivolous complaint? Does he/she perhpas want an excuse to keep in touch?

EllanVannin, there is no set 'normal behaviour. Don't you have friends or relatives from another culture?

I particularly like the one who arrives early (with a home made cake) and enthusiastically does some cleaning and tidying. Now, I could be insulted, but she always does it - at everyone's home!

kircubbin2000 says that her ex has OCD so that's the cause of his complaints. Why will her daughter 'crack up' I wonder? Does she have a similar problem?

Maybe forewarn your daughter so she can put away anything she doesn’t want to be looked at, and also be prepared for questions. Humorous or evasive answers are the best.

Have a word with your son to see if a few tips can be given before the visit.
But enjoy this new member of your family and try not to close ranks and risk making her feel unwelcome.

Totally agree with EllanVannin and easybee.

I think some of these posters are signalling their pc credentials as usual. It’s always us that are in the wrong. Accept other cultures blah blah and yet when we’re abroad, and visiting another culture we should be respectful of the differences. This young lady is overstepping the line and should be gently told that this intrusive behaviour is considered rude in out culture.

Tickingbird, that's true, but what the girl does is at worst only mildly irritating and should not be an occasion for possibly hurting her feelings. Better to overlook the behaviour and the girl will gradually come to understand what us natives do.

Does she know her father in law has OCD and how it affects him? If not, maybe your son could explain this to her.

I always pick up my sons birthday cards and read who they are from. after all they are on display. maybe I will stop and ask first next time.

Maybe then some cultures actually teach its the 'right thing' to ask a lot of questions of people, that we brits would find 'nosey'- but if you all dont like it,nip it in the bud- if you yourself aren't 'correcting' her by saying other people may not like this and your son isnt either then she will never know! So you tell her. Your son may find it 'endearing' or some such,others may not.you need to explain the differences between her way of life and your own.and also not to just 'tidy things away' if a person doesnt ask her to.

It is all about boundaries, they sometimes need to be pointed out to those who step over them. We have a right to privacy and no need to apologise for explaining these boundaries to others

I wouldn’t have a problem with her reading cards that are on display, but going through personal possessions would be a no.no. That’s just rude n nosey. Regardless of what culture she’s from. Asking personal questions well that really depends on how personal

I do think when you have things obviously on display like ornaments or cards it's fair game if visitors examine them. Anything that should not be touched should be in a display cabinet. Opening drawers (other than in a kitchen while helping) and getting letters out of envelopes is a step too far.

I always pick up & read other people's cards if they are displayed openly. I have no cultural excuse. I guess I am just rude & nosey

This is a dreadful post. This poor girl is just trying to sort out who is who in the family and friend circle ad I feel you should be more welcoming and understanding. Using the word rooting through things sounds like she was opening drawers and poking around when in fact she picked up some cards on the desk and asked a question. Whats wrong with that, after all she is a family member. The rest is just normal family behaviour and I think you should be more tolerant.

Asking personal questions is one thing - people in all cultures ask questions that are more or less personal than others but rifling through personal possessions is another and that’s not cultural and not polite - I can’t understand anybody making excuses for that behaviour - this person may be lovely in some ways but she’s a controller and that accounts for her interference about food and what your ex should and shouldn’t be doing - that control will gradually extend into other aspects of your sons life and eventually to yours so you need to tell her the men to time something like that happens - she needs to be told you don’t like it at the time and not ask your son to do it after the event - this is straightforward behaviour modification

This girl does not know what to do in a British home .She probably has never been told not to touch things even though they are out looking like she could. She has not been told what are considered intrusive questions. Nor has she been given a repertoire of questions to ask. Holidays, weather, etc .
When in Japan if you put your chopsticks down the wrong way it’s really rude. I was glad someone told me!
Your son needs to educate her with some role play.She needs examples
However it’s a bit odd that she had not found out what is expected on a visit, Maybe she actually thinks she can say and do what ever she likes because she is married to your son.

I'm not sure about rifling through personal belongings but other than that I wouldn't have a problem with any if what you describe. My son has married a girl from another culture and her family have asked lots of questions, we were pleased that they wanted to know about our every day lives, likewise we are interested to know about theirs. We are trying to blend into a new family structure, as is your daughter in law. I always look at other people's cards if they are on display, I thought that's what they were for! And kitchens in our family are always full of people commenting on what we eat! I would be pleased that she is kind and interested and trying to get to know you all.

I agree with lemongrove and Layla about the cards. If they are on display they are there to be looked at and there is nothing unusual or rude about that.
It is easy to say 'I don't want to talk about that' and change the subject. It doesn't sound as if it has got to the stage where it is beyond an irritation and we are all irritating sometimes.
Moving things around may be nervousness or just a habit. I'm not keen on people being around when I am cooking anyway but I don't really know anyone who does that. You have to either take the things back from her and ask her to stop doing it or accept it. It seems unkind to collect up criticisms and then confront her so the only way if they are to be dealt with is as they arise.
If these are the worst examples though, it doesn't seem that bad to me given that she makes your son happy and that you don't otherwise dislike her. She sounds interested rather than nosy.

She has been in uk a long time so I think it's just the way she is. Everyone has habits that may seem odd to others. Her workmates have her sussed out. Last week one was offering round a plate of biscuits to everyone except her.When she asked why she hadn't been offered one the reply was we didn't think you would eat one, they're only from Asda.

"I have married into a British family. My in-laws are secretive and aloof. If I ask about other family members or friends, they look at me coldly and turn away from me. Then later, I hear them murmuring to each other about me. Apart from them being so cold, what are they trying to hide from me?"

How's that for perspective?

I cannot understand people making excuses for this behaviour, as for the suggestion the ex made the call as an excuse to call OP, word fail me, OP stated her husband has OCD.
Also being nosy and intrusive is unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud, as the poster stated it could cause trouble, as when they stay with the daughter she would crack if she does this in her house.
You don't have to go in all guns blazing with your DIL but she does need telling. If I was visiting people from another culture I would respect their ways. Also if she is intrusive to people outside the family she could get a rude awakening.

Different cultures or not extremely rude behaviour from her and I would tell her.