So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

I am married to my 3rd husband, he is 15 years older than me, I am 63 and he is 79
I do struggle with our age difference.
I haven't loved him for over 10 years, if I ever did
I have just been to visit my family in OZ for Christmas and something happened whilst I was there.
Not by me, but my husband which upset me and my angered my daughter
I am in the same situation, I was to end this marriage, I have an opportunity to move to OZ
But I am scared to make the move or to upset anyone least of all leave my husband hurt and devastated

Something happened 3 years ago to make you think he would change yet you feel there has been no difference. You are unhappy, struggled to change the situation between you and DH, are these not enough to convince you of what to do. 30 odd years is a long time to be in your situation. Your family are adults, do you really think they have no idea of how you feel and of how their father behaves? I know my AC can read both of us like a book! Think you really know what you should do.

There's something about being lied to that destroys any personal or professional relationship I've ever had. You've been a saint in my eyes for putting up with lying for so long.

forget relate he sounds rubbish If you can get out keeping your money and assets do or get him to leave. Be careful if you are a pensioner he gets half if you divorce. do you own the house ? If so sell up at least you have children who can help I don't so I am stuck with someone who would fleece me

We all deserve to be happy.Sounds like you have done all you can to make the relationship work.Lies even small lies are still lies.My ex husband was a compulsive liar Even told me he had been to an accident.Done heart massage on a man .Was all lies.Your children are all grown up with families of their own.You are entitled to your own happiness.Let 2020 be your new beginnings

I feel for you! Married over 32 years myself and having doubts. I saw a counsellor for the first time and had six sessions to date. They are really helping. Still living at home and put my foot down about a few things. Slowly getting better but it ain’t easy. Having time out for exercise and seeing girlfriends helps. Originally Hubby said “but they are my friend too” and wanted to come along. But I stated strong. In our relationship alcohol is an issue but trying to work it all out within the relationship. Like you though I need to have the strength to call it a day if needs be and being in my own is a scary thought. Your children will want you to be happy. Do get the counselling even if it is just for you! Good luck.

I think you are staying out of pity
Better for you to leave if only for a short while to find yourself
Only then can you decide your future
But a liar is always a liar
Deep down I think he is probably just as unhappy as you are

Guilt is a useless and futile emotion.
You are at the mercy of every one else in your life.
Leave while you can..disentangle yourself. I left it till i was 60.should have gone years before.
A lier is not a good kind man. If your family love and respect you they will honour your decision.
This life is not a dress rehearsal

I cant help feeling your husband is being shortchanged a bit too,? He cant help having health issues you know,its not something a person asks for?ive had one health issue after another over the last few years also,and its no picnic i can tell you,but i was already separated,then divorced,for almost from beginning of the health issues,but IF id still been together with hubby by then,and certainly for thirty-odd years,well then for them to 'want out' as the going got tough,so they dont have to help me through it,then id have been horrified! No "in sickness& in health" then?what if you had become ill and he not?Yes,it does sound cruel.Could his lying be to make him feel better over all the health issue stuff?a bit like a 'Walter Mitty' world?Have you discussed any of this with your AC?or asked for their help with their dads health situation? Now MawB reminded us,yes i remember it too,a lot of us commented that one year olds a bit early to jump in assuming a childs got autism,i hope your daughters been helped now,via health visitors etc if they should think there's a problem,so its one thing less for you to worry over?It also crossed my mind that perhaps your hubby 'doesnt take care of himself' as he's depressed,over the whole situation,or believes you don't care about him either? I think maybe you need to work together,not just run out on him when he needs you,which actually is how it looks.im not meaning to be harsh,but i can see it from his side too.Can you?

no easy answer, only you can know whether you can make the break. It's not something you can contemplate without support, friends , family or indeed relate.
If you can have an honest talk with your husband and let him know how you are feeling that would be a starting point. Then you will see things more clearly and can go from there.
Good luck.

Please don't discuss it with your children! I have listened to my mum telling me how unhappy she is with my step father for years. I know far more than I ever wanted to about him... I see him in completely different (negative) light and the fact they are still together makes any contact I have with him extremely difficult ?.
If you do want to try and salvage your marriage go to a reputable counsellor together. If not then make plans to leave. Good luck ?

If you can financially afford it, then leave. The ‘advisor’s’ on here who tell you to get out are, most probably, ones who have done just that - like myself. There is a life for you out there, go and find it. Peace of mind and being out of a controlling situation counts for such a lot. I dithered for many years. One day I woke up with a different head on, saw that my life could be different and happier - made an appointment with a solicitor that very day. I also had two children to think of who certainly were not benefiting from their parents staying together. ‘He’ was having an affair - another good reason to get out. That was 30 yrs ago, went on to marry a lovely guy.

Id probably be first (in usual circumstances,or where a persons been mistreated or cheated on for example?) to say,the divorce courts are there to be used,but i cant help feeling bad for whom you described yourself as "a good kind man" who just has been unlucky enough,like myself,to get 'one medical problem after another',its pretty hard on a person is that,and for the person you're relying on to want to just up& leave as its wearing THEM down,that is like a slap in the face on top of all the rest!

You are still young enough to build a new life that benefits you.
Go for it...try Relate, try time apart but do not just stay as you are.
Having read your post from last year I can see you have been unhappy for a long time.

You are only 54, time to live more for you and you have no idea how good life without being dragged down could be.
Be brave.

And i didnt mean purplepoppies to discuss all his faults etc with AC,just the health problems so maybe they can help out a bit or offer some support where they can?

Get a counsellor who is also a qualified psychologist . Expensive but worth it if you possibly can afford it.
Sielha wrote:" I’m just keeping things together for our children and grandkids and that he needs me rather than wants to be with me."

Do you stay together from mutual need? If so you are like many married couples for whom mutual need is a good enough reason for staying married. Is it a good enough reason for you to stay married? Do you need him enough for you to stay with him? Or are you still romantic?

If you don't need him enough for you to stay with him I am sorry for him and hope he finds a woman who needs him.

I left mine after 33 years, couldn’t put up with his ‘always right’ attitude any longer. In hindsight probably should have left a lot sooner but waited until youngest had finished uni. True you need somewhere to go and a means to live. I applied (big ask at 57 and not having worked since 1989 when I had kids) and got a job an hour from home, moved out and never looked back. It does have the downside that the ‘kids’ still live with their Dad and his mind games are working on them as I only get a text/phone call if I make the first move. He signed the divorce papers without question, never asking why I actually left other than to say he ‘thought as much of me now as the day we married’ – sort of said it all. I don’t regret it one bit, and yes there is a new man (who went through something similar). I may be cash poor but I’m rich happy, contented, and laughing so much it’s unbelievable I’m the same person. You only have one life, leave him and find your inner happiness. Remember abuse is not always physical.

I really feel for you but no one can make such a huge decision for you. All the advice in the world from well meaning friends is fine but it’s your life and your marriage. Listen to your heart! Don’t involve your children. They won’t understand. I left after 33yrs and my two DD’s were very angry with me. “How could I leave their wonderful dad”.
That was 20yrs ago and they realise now that it was the right thing for me to do. Of course there are regrets and it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it was the best thing all round.
Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Lots of opinion here, mostly made with little or no knowledge so not much help.
If this is really how you feel, do something, anything to change the dead end you feel you are in! Good luck.

Well sielha I can say for sure you shouldn`t stay with him because of you family.
I did that fir years and in the end it made me ill.
So I decided after over 30 of marriage I ended it and was divorced within 12 months and I have NEVER looked back.
It may be hard on the family but they have made their life and you need to make one.
Wishing you the very best.

May i ask what those legal battles and lies are?

There is no marriage without trust. It seems like trust left the building a long time ago and he is stringing you along with fake promises of change.

I would take a break so I could reassess what I wanted for my life. You have the right to be happy

We are all in a state of becoming, we are never the finished article.
It is a massive thing to break up a long-standing relationship.
Perhaps if you both agreed to explore every avenue to improve your relationship and then it still didn't work , you could, hand on heart, know that you had really tried everything ,
It could also evolve that you find you have more in common than you thought and that the relationship is worth saving.
Either way surely it is worth making an effort to find out?
If you don't truly believe that it is, then you have your answer.

A married couple, as has been suggested, living in the same home with separate lives? argggh??.You would both have to be very accommodating !!!!to let that work.
Discuss your situation and your feelings about the marriage with Relate before making any decisions, I can assure you they have heard it all before, on your own of course, as from what you describe it is clear H seems content to let this go on regardless of your feelings.Also there is much to consider, financially, as it is not just a case of packing a bag and taking off. I wish you luck.

Hi Good morning my thoughts are with you, yes a very big move after 32 years all I can say if you are not happy it with not change now.
Do not talk to your children even that they are grown up, ask your self could I support myself.
I left after 32 years yes it’s been hard financially but I done it have been on my own 10 years now all I can say if you are going to leave do it before you are to old or you will not do it, make your decisions and move forward only you can decide
Good luck wish you well

If your asking the question then I think you know the answer. Why not try counselling? Often an outsider can pin point the problem. I felt the same way a few months ago and we’ve talked it through. It helps but we’re only starting our journey - good luck! 36 years married and still learning.