So much doubt about whether to leave my husband

This is a difficult one, you have been together a long time, He lies, than in itself would make me question why I’m prepared to stay. Reason being if you can’t have trust n honesty in a marriage what have you got, he has now got health issues which are hard enough to deal with but with other factors in the marriage will make it harder to deal with, but you marriage hasn’t changed only got worse by the sounds of it, how much longer can you go on like this, it’s your second posting I believe, you haven’t mentioned the word love once, you say he’s a good kind man kind man, sorry I don’t think that a good kind man would lie to you throughout your marriage, I think you would be much happier on your own, if it was me, I would have a serious talk with him telling him how you feel and take it from there, but for me I couldn’t live with a liar,

I was going to write exactly what the first person wrote. Do good, kind people lie?
This in itself is enough to drive you crazy, not knowing when the truth is being told but you seem to have put up with it and accepted and even off balance it with him being a nice, good person who just happens to lie.

All said and done you need to talk to him because you need to work this through together. And even if you split up, I'm sure you could offer him a bit of support until you both get used to being appart.

So basically you have no ties just a right to feel and be happy inside and consider your own mental health.

Shelia, I think you need to listen to your heart, a good man doesn't lie to his wife, throughout their marriage. Speak to a councillor, take a deep breath, and do what's right for you, x

You have some options.
Stay, with your relationship as it is.
Stay, with explicit and agreed changes.
Leave.

Prevarication, like honesty, is reflexive, and soon becomes a sturdy habit, as reliable as truth.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if keep coming back and asking ‘should I, shouldn’t I”, then you have answered your own question! You are responsible for deciding on the direction (or redirection) of your own life - no one else is.

A good friend of mine had had enough (she had been unhappy for at least a decade before the children were adults) and gave her husband an ultimatum - either they paid for counselling (Relate) or they paid for a divorce. given that, he reluctantly went with her. Several sessions later, both realised how the relationship had gone wrong but also that they should never have married each other in the first place - and why. They came to an amicable divorce and are both now remarried, and much happier. So, counselling can sometimes save a marriage, but it can also help it to end positively. Would definitely go down this route - you need someone to talk to who is unbiased and neutral (not friends or family). Good luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I have always felt that when the time comes to leave, you'll know it is the right thing to do. If you need to ask, you're not ready. However, that doesn't mean that you can't get all your ducks in a row. Seek legal advice, seek counselling even if it is just for you and write up a list of pros and cons. The latter should also be about what you want in life.

What sort of lies does he tell? Whoppers or just casual little lies (I don't mean that one is less significant than the other). But how exactly do the lies affect you? Can you just tell him how irritating it is for you to hear these lies? Are you sure it's not just his health that's getting you down?

One positive thing is that he acknowledges that you and he have hit rock bottom. But expecting changes when there is no plan of action is somewhat naive. It might help you to pay for private counselling and get down to working out how to sort out your problems.

Relate gave us valuable advice including Citizens Advice Bureau who gave me 1/2 hour free with a lawyer. 3 options, divorce, legal separation or un legal separation. We chose the last, he moved out, sorted out our house, he kept his pension, I had our house. He died some 15 years later leaving me as his widow and executor. I got his house and pension. Now, the girls have his money and are both settled. Life certainly did not turn out as it should have when we got married

Leave

This is such timely reading for me. We have been married 46 years and have had a very up and down relationship. He is very difficult to handle and rants at the slightest provocation. I know he loves me and tells me he couldn’t live without me and when we’ve argued he falls over backwards to be nice. But I don’t know if I can carry on any more. We suffered severe financial losses 15 years ago in the crisis and have never recovered. I kept a lot of the debt problems to myself to “spare” him the worry, thinking I could deal with them, but I’m just digging myself a bigger hole, as now we are almost at rock bottom financially. He knows we are struggling, but not how bad. I’m making myself ill, I can’t sleep with worry, and every waking moment I can only think about our finances and how much blame I put on him for this state of affairs. Also 5 years ago we had a problem over a property with my Daughters in-laws and fell out with them. He has never spoken to them since, or our son in law and now we can never do things together as a unit. He blames them, although it was mostly his fault, but won’t see it that way. It breaks my heart. I can’t afford to leave him but don’t know if I could do it anyway. It’s a long time to be together, for better or worse. My daughter says I shouldn’t be unhappy for what time I have left (I’m 67) and I hate what he had done. I’ve been too weak over the years, always thinking about the children’s welfare and that believing things would get better.
I so sympathise with Siena but am not in a position to advise. Reading through what she says and what I have written it seems we are crying out for someone to say “leave and start a new life” not stick it out any longer, but putting that into place is going to be so hard. How can I now tell him how bad things are when I’ve been covering it up for so long. It’s such a mess. I must take the blame.

May I ask why you wish "to keep things together for children and grandkids"? I am quite sure it doesn't matter to them, they want you happy.

32 years! Its not gonna change now. I think you have a choice between leaving him or putting up with it.

My sister had a very unhappy marriage. Her husband was selfish, domineering and abusive from the start. She did leave him for a while once after he had knocked her about but went back. I asked her why. Her reply was “for the money and the life style”. I am sure that it caused her poor health and early death and he lived until he was eighty eight.
Leave him whilst you have your health and strength.
I have always been poor but happy.

I left my control freeck husband of 29 yrs it was the best decision I made for myself. But it’s hard to get on. My children were all grown up I have 3 sons 1 daughter , 2 eldest sons took his side. But they all told me to leave him and they all know how he treat me. After 4 yrs apart he convinced me to go bk as he had changed. After soul searching I went bk to him. My main reason was to reconcile with my two sons and families. BIG mistake you carnt go bk. so I left again, I met the most loving ,kind, considerate, Loyal man, we married after 4 yrs living together we have just celebrated our 20 th year together. I tell you this with advice to make sure you are able to afford somewhere to live and make your children’s family’s know your reasons for your actions. Try to stay friends with your husband but live for yourself. Take advice from councillors and get yourself a really good solicitor. I wish you all the luck in the world happy new year 2020. I hope my story may help you.

Hard to advise in all honesty. You say you have been married for 32 years to a good, kind man. Worth a lot imo.

Nobody is perfect, nobody can provide EXACTLY what another person wants...especially over time when your needs change.

I think I would ask myself some questions like

How unhappy am I?

Have I never been happy with him?

Do I just want HIM to change?

Would I really love to live on my own?

Do I think there is something better out there for me or am I happy never meeting another person to live with?

Nobody can answer these questions for you Sielha.

Just be clear what you actually want? Grass - Greener and all that.

susan1608 please start your own thread and you will get more responses.

I haven’t read any other comments, I’m going in blind to what others have said, and any updates you may have given. The first thing that struck me, was you said he is kind, and then talked about his lies. He can’t be both. It’s not kind to lie, however ‘small’ the lie is. I think you should trust your instincts, and do whatever you need to do for your happiness. Your children and grandchildren will pick up on any bad vibes, if they haven’t already.

I really feel for you Sielha. Its very easy to say just leave, but very hard to do, particularly after 32 years and because there will inevitably be an effect on wider family. How can you know if you will be happier? How can you predict the effect on your children and grandchildren? If holding the family together contributes directly to your own happiness then its complicated. I would echo those who have recommended counselling. We had just six sessions paid for privately and the issues really came out of the woodwork, it was incredible. I dont know that we actually solved many of them (some are probably a lifetime project) but just hearing things said out loud fundamentally changed the quality of our communication, and communication is so vital. Getting issues off our chests with a mediator really cleared the air and we have been much more considerate of each other ever since and also much better at voicing disagreements so that they can be discussed. I honestly dont think either of us had very high hopes before we saw our counsellor and hubbie was against the whole thing, but even he now admits how useful it was.

I would hold on in there, you say he is a “ good kind man” the garden of life does not have all lovely blooms no more than life does we all have our faults weeds and compost. What do you do to try and improve things.? It would different if he was a right bastard.

Only you can make this decision.
However look up 'sociopath' anx if the behaviours he displays are somilar/like the explanation maybe it will help you decide?
Whatever the outcome I wish you luck and happiness for the future.

Sorry bad spelling! And, similar

My husband was an alcoholic for he first 30 years of our marriage and I wish that I had left him. Now we have been married 52 years not happily. 4years ago he had 3 strokes and has vascular dementia, anxiety and depression. If I had left then I wouldn’t now be his carer and hating every minute of it! It wasn’t so easy for me to go earlier as we were abroad a lot as he was in the army. Take care of yourself, don’t end up like me.

Unless I am mixing you up with somebody else Sielha did you not spend several weeks at your husband’s hospital bedside after surgery, last year or thereabouts?
Perhaps how you feel now is delayed depression after the long period of stress?