Just clinging on?

You cant change his behaviour but you can change yours.
Every time we 'fit around' others we show them that's what we are happy to do! If you want him to see things another way, show him another way.
You can do it. Good luck

Join the U3A. You’ll find a wide choice of hobbies to pursue and, when he sees how full your life is, he’ll want to join

I could have written this, my life is similar.
Both now retired and live in a large house, too big for us but in the centre of my husbands hobbies. He doesn’t help.
That’s the moan over.
I started a book club.. instant friends, instant common interest.
I joined thr gym and the local slimming group.
It is still imperfect, OH still saw me as housekeeper so I gave him specific jobs that are always his, it’s then obvious if he hasn’t done them. Rather than general helping around the house.
He’s selfish but I love him..
I had to take control of my own happiness. We still do nothing together, so work in progress. Good luck x

You have done your bit
Now make it all about you

I have been married for nearly 47 years, and I love my husband, but am very frustrated with him now. He used to help around the house and with the children , but in the last 4 5 years he has become disabled and now can do nothing to help. I work full-time and when I am at home I look after him. I have very few friends, and rarely go out on my own, I used to go to a dance class which I enjoyed but no-one every spoke to me so gave it up. I enjoy my work but am not looking forward to retiring and having to look after him 24-7, but needs must. We go out together once a week with friends, and He goes to different clubs 4 times a week, just to get him out of the house, I have just taken on a cleaner and that has helped me loads, I love coming home to a nice clean house, even if only once a week, and not having him complaining I haven't done something. I know he hates being disabled, but I think he could do more if he tried, but we will get by, we always do.

Your life style is because you are allowing it.What is to stop you doing your own thing which appears H is doing with his life. This is not an uncommon situation with couples who having brought up a family find themselves at a loss and thinking what do we do next .H appears to have adjusted so what is stopping you ? Get out into the world and don't blame H when the remedy is in your own hands.

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I am a tad confused. You say he is the love of your life and then call him a selfish grumpy old man who contributed little financially or emotionally to your marriage, but did keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
What is it you want from him? more attention? more support? more love? If he was such an inattentive husband throughout your marriage why are you expecting more of him now?

Do you have any hobbies maybe you could try doing something that you are interested in, which would get you out of the house, if you are meeting new ppl doing new things I think you would possibly be happier, and have more to talk about and then go out together on the days you both have free

As a divorcee, I do genuinely feel sorry for women who've run a home for decades, raised kids (often with little help from himself), worked outside the home and now have this miserable retirement. This is your life too.

Firstly, communication! Every so often when things are getting complacent or something is sliding in our relationship I call a house meeting. I've learnt over the years ( 43 +) that I need to be clear, give examples and offer solutions and take criticism too. I've had to learn to be assertive, so we get a win win situation. Not perfect but I keep trying!
We do some things together but we also, importantly, have our own interests ( although we both do Pilates we go to different classes!) and we still do a bit of paid work.
Finally, it is the case that Testosterone, in men, drops through later life and this results in grumpy git syndrome- for him to understand this and how it affects you both is very important for making life as happy as it can be!

We have had other gransnetters in the same situation as you. I always recommend volunteering with the National Trust. Find your nearest property and look at their website or just go along. They are always looking for new volunteers. Most of us do one regular day a week which means we make friends with others who work on the same day. You also get to learn a lot about the property which you are able to talk to visitors about, and there are social events to go to. if you find it's not for you just stop, there's no commitment and you get your travelling expenses paid. What have you got to lose.

Giddygrandma1 I have often wondered along those lines myself. Is it because they were considered first when they were growing up and girls were expected to be more dutiful and compliant? I know it was the case in my own childhood and can remember to this day being told by my own mother that I was 'just' a girl and therefore of no importance!! My OH is morphing into a grumpy old man before my very eyes it seems. I have fairly recently started to do some volunteering. initially he was all for it & encouraged me but that is wearing off and he is now becoming resentful of it. Even though the hours I agreed to were all arranged around him. I'm determined to continue despite his grumbling because the work I do makes me feel worthwhile, keeps my brain ticking over, gets me out of the house etc. I do feel tired at the end of it but it's a satisfied tired and the people I'm with appreciate my efforts. Perhaps you could consider volunteering two or three hours per week at a local primary, lots of kiddies need help with reading for example on a one to one. You could join a walking group as my sil has done or if there are any historical premises near they welcome volunteers in a 1001 different roles. Pet rescues need dog walkjers,. Do something for you, something to put a spring in your step & a smile on your face, he may not improve but it will make it more bearable. Is there a men in sheds group or walking football or grumpy old gits group you could steer him to? Best of luck.

Why are you still fitting in around him? He has lots of hobbies so go out there and get some for yourself - take up something you have always wanted to do or rekindle something you had to give up. We are solely responsible for our own happiness. You will find that as you become more happy and independent he might become less grumpy and if not then your out there enjoying yourself so you might not notice his grumpiness so much.

For many of us women, most of our married life has been taken up with looking after our husbands and children. Somewhere along the way, we lose sight of ourselves and what's important to us. We've been married 43 years and my husband has always worked hard to provide a decent life for us. However he's always had hobbies outside the home and at weekends, life still tends to revolve around those hobbies. However I now take myself off to town even if I don't need much. I sit in a cosy cafe with a coffee, or meet a friend. In the Summer I watch cricket and it invariably lands up having a little drink with a friend. Retirement is looming, but I'm going to embrace it and find some new things to do. I'll be joining a "young at heart" group to start with, who have some fantastic day trips. Get out and about as mush as you can. Sitting in the house won't help either of you.

I agree with the suggestions made but would just add don't get into the habit some women have of leaving a meal ready to be heated or sandwiches in the fridge. My husband just makes himself beans or cheese on toast and clears up afterwards . I ask him to help with the main meal by saying could you just chop an onion/open this can /peel those potatoes etc and before he knows it the meal is made between us. He is of course quite happy to help but is less confident about preparing a fixed recipe.

Go on a girly holiday with a friend or family member for a week at least. Let him stew for a while so that he misses you, stop him taking you for granted. Treat them mean to keep them keen, that's my motto! Good luck xxx

Cangran, your post made me sit up and think. I’ve been considering leaving my husband for many reasons but you have given me food for thought, I think I am capable to take up your idea, thank you for posting.

'Why are men so selfish?' and 'me still fitting in around him' - looks like you've answered your own question!

He's just the way that you've allowed him to be. Glad to say that I've never fitted in around anybody!

Just build your own independent lives around your husbands.

If he sits all day in front of the tv, just leave him there. Plan meals you want when you want them, find new interests and follow them. Ditto those absorbed in hobbies you do not share.

The ball is in your court, step up and step out.

@Giddygrandma1
If you're a giver - you will find a taker.

You should level up honey, and seize the day.

This lady is hilarious, and right on the button - you could do a lot worse than spend this weekend binge - watching her videos...
Ashera7 on Youtube

(When to give up on a man)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2QR016fGMg

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I’m looking forward to retirement from NHS later this year. I’m currently on a three day week, dread the start of my working week but have come to realise I’ll be a slob when I do retire. I had a taste of retirement a couple of years ago when I was undergoing chemotherapy for colon cancer and I did next to nothing on my good days.
I’ve had a bit of a rubbish working life in all honesty. I’ve been bullied by management in different jobs which is why I’m looking forward to leaving it all behind me. I’m not being bullied now but can’t put it behind me somehow. What to do, eh?

Find you own interests. Or find something that you can do together / share an interest. After all you had a life before children etc find the spice again....

Jillybird, you really made me laugh! My lodger is just like that (a TV addict, I call him).

He tends to take root on one of the sofas for the day and moan about the rubbish on TV.
I actually rearranged all the living room furniture (told him I fancied a change) to ensure that he can't sit directly facing the screen. He grumbled about it. I did it just to annoy him!