DD yet more heartbreak. Why always her?

The more I think about it, the worse I feel for SIL.

He must know your dd settled for him, and the baby was a band aid to keep them together. He must fear what the future holds for him.

Your title asks "why always her" - I think your dd and you must realize life is not up to get her (dd) and she is not a victim.

Disclaimer: this last paragraph does not apply to the miscarriage. It is a truly awful event and I hope you all heal, with time.

So much sadness and heartbreak for you all. Just keep up your support and hope. As the old song says, 'What will be will be.'

Lots of hugs, Lizbeth!

IDK if SIL is "wrong" for DD for the reasons you think or if it's b/c her heart is still w/ her previous love. Like Hithere, I think if he and she really love each other and want to be together, they should be together. I don't want to see SIL get hurt, and I'm sure you don't either, but DD has a right to be happy. And maybe it would be best for SIL to be free to find someone who would love him the way she loves her former sweetheart.

But, of course, all that is up to her/them, as others have said. All you can do is show her and SIL all the love, comfort, and support you can (as you clearlyi are doing).

So lots of hugs for you all!

Your dd is an adult and makes her choices in life.

If she is not happy, she can choose to change.

She chose to marry a guy who didn't make her fully happy but was ok for the moment.

If her first love and your dd still love each other, why are they not together?
If 2 people want to be together, nothing will stop them.

Your dd needs a therapist to put her life together.
From your comments, it seems she is list, going with the flow.

You are not equipped to be their therapist. You do not deserve to have other people's emotional pain on your shoulders, you deserve to be happy and not worried about things you cannot fix.

Life is not fair. Life happens and we do not end up with our first choices. And it's ok! Maybee the second choice is better.
Maybe we settle, we make the best of life giving us lemons and we learn to be happy.
I think your dd needs to learn that.

Oh lizbethann your heart is aching and understandably so. I hope your continued support will get you all through this and in time a dc for your daughter, a dgc for you, will arrive to brighten your lives. If that’s not to be then I’m sure your loving relationship with your DD will help you all.

Hi. I am rather hoping this has become last week's news and everyone has moved on. If that is so , I can ramble on to my hearts content and pour my soul out to a green box. My poor, darling SiL. Even as I was writing it I knew I sounded like a heartless cow and you would wonder how I could say such awful things, then say I love him. But it is true. He is a sweet, kind man who adores my daughter. And no, he does not know how I feel. Though in the awful hours of Thursday when having waited 9 hours my DD went into surgery he told me that he knew how desperately unhappy she was and how close she had been to leaving him. I got to thinking. This "being right" for someone is just how it is. It doesn't mean someone is bad, or wrong, or not good enough. I have been happily married for over 40 years. We were introduced by an old school friend that my DH had previously gone out with. She had recently married a friend of my now DH. There had been no tears or heartache when they split up. Buy why did she love his friend and not him? Why did DH fall in love with me and not her? We are similar ages had similar opinions, ambitions, aims but , for some reason they just weren't "right " for each other. One wasn't better than the other. One wasn't "wrong" or "not good enough". It was just that that intangible, unexplainable "rightness" wasn't there. My SiL was virtually 40 when they met. My DD only a few years younger. Time was not on their side, and even less so now. DD was in a very vulnerable, bad way when they got together having met earlier at a wedding. His kindness, gentleness and safety was exactly what she needed. And they are the traits that we love. He has OCD and when he feels really passionate about something it kicks in and there is no stopping him. It happened after the positive pregnancy test and that is why we were surprised that he didn't feel more passion for the IVF or the results of the sperm tests. (Doing research, asking questions, looking for solutions etc). I didn't mean to offend by mentioning the sperm thing. It just seems to add to the catalogue of DDs issues to be faced. I don't blame him and it certainly isn't his fault. Mumps maybe. If he had known and said nothing then it would have been different.. still. That's enough for now. I have rambled on for more than enough. Thanks for listening.

I feel great sympathy for your daughter and son in law's distress over the loss of their baby, (not just hers)
What I don't understand is your need to list all your son in law's perceived inadequacies, down to his low sperm count, because in your eyes, he is totally the wrong man for her.
Most distasteful.

Thank you Hetty58. Next time they are both sobbing their hearts out literally in my arms, I shall just remind them both that babies are lost all the time. I am sure they will find that totally reassuring

You write about your SIL in a very disrespectful way. Obviously, you consider him not good enough for your daughter.

Then you later say that you love him dearly, which is odd. It's just very sad as it's her life, not yours. I hope you're not so negative about things when you're with them.

You think you need 'help to guide her through this' but babies are lost all the time and parents have to be allowed to grieve in their own ways. All you need to be is a supportive, loving mum.

I am truly glad to say I was wrong about sil.

I hope your dd recovers soon. The loss of a child is such a challenging time.

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Hithere, you could not possibly be more wrong. I love my SiL dearly. He is a lovely man. He is good , kind , decent and adores my DD. But that doesn't mean that he is altogether right for her, but my DD is determined to make it work as best she can. Of course I know about her previous love. She was living at home and had known him many years. I was the one to help pick up the pieces when it was over.We are very close and she confides in me. I am blessed to have such a close relationship with her.

Today we have had a dreadful time. She and SiL wanted me to go to hospital with them. We were there at 6.30 am ( book in was 7.00). We sat in a cubicle until she was taken down to theatre at 3.45pm and got home at 7.00. Watching these two lovely people trying to be so strong and brave was heartbreaking. They are now determined to try to move on as best they can and hopefully they will have more success in the future. Thank you again for all your best wishes. It means so much.

lisbeth so sorry to hear this. It is so sad for your daughter and her DH. It is, however, a good sign that he became galvanised by the thought of a baby.

Hithere not creepy at all. I know more than I want to about my DD. It is a natural thing for girls to confide in their mum.

So sorry for their loss.

You clearly do not like your sil. You do not think he has any redeemable qualities.

I bet your dd and sil know you are not fond of him. Your feelings are very transparent.

However, it is it for you to like him or approve of him , it is for your dd to be happy with him.

I find it creepy that you know so much about their private life and who your dd's real love is.

So sorry Lizbeth

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Sending warm wishes. As far as losing a baby is concerned, my DD was there several times. I have a delightful adopted GS. There can be light at the end of the darkest tunnel. Don't despair. Just let her know she's loved.

Sending multiple ((hugs)) to you all. I wish there was something we as DP can do . We can't just kiss it better but we can always be available to listen and comfort.
Never give up hope for happiness.

I am so sorry for you all. I agree with some of the comments about her husband, he sounds a lovely man, true he isn't adrinker or a gambler, or more exciting, but he will be looking out for her and loves her,isnt that matters so much. Not everyone has a straightforward pregnancy, it has happened once and often couples do go on to have a healthy baby.

So sorry for you and your daughter, it does seem so cruel when bad things happen to lovely people.

You don’t mention her age, but hopefully there will be a chance to try again. Maybe first she really needs to think about where her relationship is going.

I agree with Paddyanne, a dynamic ambitious husband isn’t always a good one, he must have lots of other qualities for your daughter to have married him.

I agree with paddyanne too but at the moment I think you just need a hug ((hug))

I’m so sorry, it’s hard for all of you. However, her husband my be just what she needs: a kind and gentle man who will care for her and their child. I had a late miscarriage with my first baby. It was sad, but I had four children in quick succession afterwards, so don’t give up hope.

So sorry to hear about your daughter's problems Lizbethann55 it's hard when we can't help isn't it. I agree with Paddyanne don't dismiss her partner out of hand he may turn out to be her rock. I hope things get better for all of you soon,

Oh lizbethann55 I’m so sorry! Life can be very unfair can’t it? No wonder you are upset.
Sending love and hugs to you all. xxx ??

Thinking of you Lizbeth, we have had a terrible last few years with our son, including a lost baby. You would rather be in pain yourself than see your child in pain, it's so hard. Sending my heartfelt sympathy to you