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I married my DH 10 years ago, a second marriage for both and we each have a son and a daughter all now in their 30s - so 4 grown children in all. DH and his first wife had a difficult marriage, she had a serious problem with anger and would frequently not speak to him for weeks and would rage at him in front of people. During a row she ordered him out of the family home. Since his youngest child, son, was by then at university and didn’t need him at home, he decided not to go back. We met at work. I’d been divorced for about 15 years at this point. It was clear to me from the first time I met DH’s children that his son was lovely and polite to me, though cautious, but his daughter - I’ll call her Polly - came across then as very rude and spoilt. She seemed to play her parents off against each other, insisted on huge cash sums to support her and was nasty to me and my children.
Fast forward 10 years. Polly was supported through her 20s not to work, travelling, doing higher degrees, volunteering. This was never straightforwardly discussed and I’ve discovered my DH lied to me about how much money he gave her - enough not to work. She now, in her mid 30s, has a part time low income job in a glamorous sector, think fashion. Her mum always supported Polly, cleaned her house for her and looked after pets brought back home on spur of moment etc. DH got endless messages from Polly saying how vile her mother is and unreasonable. I though P’s mother seemed masochistic and could not understand why she acted as P’s slave. They often fought and DH took P’s side. P would often refuse to see me, would cancel family events at the last moment and basically break her dad and mum’s heart. She loses her friends with high handed behaviour and she is as rude to her brother (my stepson)’s gf as she is to me. Think anger filled texting rants, endless attempts to get her father and brother to see DH without me or bro’s gf which they go along with.
Her mum died a year ago so is not there to support, buffer and take bucket loads of rage and demands from Polly and fight constantly. So it falls to DH and me and it’s breaking us. My own sister in law is a doctor and she believes Polly has borderline personalty disorder and also thinks her mother may have had it. DH won’t hear that Polly may have a diagnosable condition. He is obsessed with her, spends hours on the phone with her, accedes to demands to see her without me and while he loves his son and my two children it’s clear Polly is the apple of his eye. My stepson and his gf are now very close to me. They have confronted DH bout his favouritism, lies about money and are trying to get him to see how destructive the set-up is.
Major issue in addition to the above. Polly is now say ing she wants a baby from a sperm donor. A less suitable person you couldn’t think of, though she presents very well when she chooses, beautiful and articulate. Stepson, GF and I think this will be a total disaster. DH half agrees. Obviously we can’t stop a person in their 30s doing what they want but I live in terror that this will happen because I think it will destroy us.
Any ideas or suggestions how to manage will be much appreciated.
Being blunt, your DH and his DD need to have an honest discussion about her behaviour. Either absolutely spoiled or as the Dr has suggested a personality disorder. Unfortunately you can't really interfere she is not your responsibility. If though her actions do infringe on your life with DH then it's your DH you have to address it through. Given all you said, a baby would be a disaster for you all and the baby.
Distance yourself
Separate your money
Sustain your relationship with your stepson and his girlfriend
Sustain your relationship with your own children
Tell husband in no uncertain terms that if he enables a pregnancy either through moral or financial support he is making a statement that he will be the 'dad' and there will always be a call on him. Tell him you are not prepared for him to 'father' another child and bring his son into that one too.
It's likely that Polly won't be able to become a mum without her father's support - call him out on that and make it crystal clear that you and the rest of the family consider his support would be a public indication of his collusion.
And as a last comment, he is the person in need of counselling because he is the one who has been facilitating her behaviour/lifestyle - he needs to explore his own motives for continually bailing her out
I agree with BusterTank Wed 05-Feb-20 10:24:41 And Carly
I have had 22 years of a stepdaughter who cannot live without causing some sort of drama. She always has something wrong or something to complain about. My dh has finally had enough and although it’s sad as we don’t see grandchildren at least it’s a bit more peaceful. I’m sorry for my dh and to some degree for her but I had to step back and stop caring about it all - it was going to destroy us. We cannot control how others behave. Good luck .
RubyLou
So sorry you are going through this. One of the symptoms for either of the following disorders, Borderline PD or Narcissitic PD is irrational and extreme anger which no child should ever be exposed to, which is why I find your step daughter seeking fertility treatment disturbing. I wish you every success with this situation you find yourself in.
However it is your husband who needs to set very firm boundaries and zero tolerance of this toxic behaviour which sounds like it is seriously infecting your marriage. He is so fortunate to have you. I would've gone years ago.
Your H family are not your responsibility.They are adults and were adults when you married their father. Why are you so concerned how H shares his money ?Is he using yours? then if so then that is the time to make yourself heard. Is H generosity to his children causing you hardship,.struggling to make ends meet? then is he not entitled to do what he wants with his money and should one child be getting more than the other ?is this not up to H ?Why concern yourself over his daughter wanting a child? because you and another do not think she is capable of bringing up another human being ?Why not take a step back, life is too short, try looking at the positive.It can't all be doom and gloom .
I was taught on a parenting course run by a psychotherapist that it is a parent's role to make the child that was completely dependent on the parents at birth fully independent by the age of 21 or thereabouts.
What is your responsibility when the stepdaughter's mother has given her no boundaries?
I would definitely recommend counselling or therapy for her, and maybe even ask her to work or volunteer with children, in order to enable her to glimpse the reality of having a child.
Does she want a child because she thinks that the child will love her or give her status?
Please define the limits of your responsibility in this, and support your husband in doing the same.
The stepdaughter's destructive behaviour has already dragged your precious family down enough, and it is time for her to address the issues created by her parents' relationship to her by herself now, and to accept responsibility for it.
Best wishes in resolving this family situation which you have not created but are having to suffer through and deal with in order to survive.
People have given great advice here for you all but you may also be interested in Having a look at a book Gaslighting by Dr Stephanie Sarkis.
I appreciate that your step daughter hasn’t actually been diagnosed with a mental illness. However, if she has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, I would strongly urge your husband not to ignore her night time angry texts, even though they are exhausting. I, myself, have borderline personality disorder and by ignoring her messages, you will cause her to feel overwhelmed by anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness. We are volatile and behave spontaneously and do not behave rationally in these situations as we are overwhelmed with reckless emotions. By ignoring her texts you could cause her to attempt suicide or to self harm.
This is a very complicated mental illness which requires specialised treatment. Others have suggested that she might benefit from counselling. However, normal counselling by a therapist not experienced with Borderline Personality Disorder could cause more damage. This illness, presuming that she has BPD, requires a diagnosis from a Psychiatrist as this is a serious, mental illness, that requires a very specific, line of treatment.
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