I want to leave after 40 years

I agree with Sparklygranma. Don’t discuss it anymore with your husband. Instead, make a plan for escape in secret. Have everything in place so that you can just leave. You might want to get any mail from solicitors etc sent to a mailbox rather than your home. That way he can’t intercept anything without your knowledge. I wouldn’t tell anyone what you are planning, this way nothing gets back to him. Tell your nearest and dearest after you have made the move and why you had to wait till you had moved before telling them. Put yourself first. Do not waste the remainder of your life. Your children will support you emotionally. File for divorce and if he disagrees, you will be entitled to it after 2 years separation I think. Also, don’t let any solicitor drag it out for you as this will cost you money. Just say you want to register the fact that you have separated from your husband and want a divorce after the specified time necessary to obtain one. This way it shouldn’t cost much at all. That’s the way I did it. That way he can’t claim half of everything you have.
Any time he goes out if the house without you, pack away things of yours that you want to take with you and put it in storage. If he’s never out then on the actual day of moving ask one of your children or a friend to invite him over or out for the day so that you can move out in peace.
People like your husband don’t change. He sounds very controlling. Put yourself in control of your destiny now. I did as I was in a very similar situation to you. I have never looked back. You owe him no explanations as I assume you have tried to talk to him about several times in the past.
Good luck. Let us know how you get on. xx

Very wise words Molly10 , I totally agree.

Go, reshape your future now

Nonna I can’t begin to imagine being in that situation but, my heart goes out to you.

My daughter had a stalker and, although a different situation, that experience leads me to suggest that, wherever you go (and indeed you should go), don’t tell him where you are.

Take the advice of the wise gransnetters and get support from the agencies they suggest.

Good luck

Its a new year make it a new you.I can not begin to understand what you must have suffered as i have been blessed with the most loving husband.You deserve happiness GET OUT use your inheritance and start a new life.

If anyone should feel guilt, its him. Go and enjoy the rest of your life. You deserve it.

This monster does not deserve your respect or consideration. We only live once and have to be true to ourselves, before all others. I too was subjected to verbal/emotional abuse in my 2nd marriage and after I found the courage to leave, I was cross with myself that I had endured his behaviour for so long. Ive been free of stress for several years now and have never been happier, please go, you deserve a medal for enduring the abuse for so long. And if you receive threats etc once you go, please do not hesitate to ring the Police, my friend has recently had to do this and they’ve been amazing.

You have one life; please don't waste it and you certainly don't need to feel guilty. Controlling men can be more dangerous when you are about to leave so please take care. If he disrupts any family occasions in revenge then he will be the one who suffers when he is excluded from future events; he probably won't though ( my ex threatened to destroy everything on the house when I left to prevent me having any of it. A solicitor's letter sorted him out). I wish you all the very best and let us know how you get on. Love from a very happy peaceful divorced grandmother x

There is no right time you will have times when you feel guilty and doubt yourself but think about how you are going to feel living with him when you retire or become ill you have the financial means your health and supportive family do it now rather than leaving it until it's too late.

I scrolled through to here, to see your response... I do hope you have thought and acted... praying for you

Now is the time to leave. Very often women are made to feel it's their fault for their partner's behaviour, and that's why guilt kicks in. There is absolutely no excusing violent behaviour and for your own safety you now have to take action. I wish you all the very best. X

I would say go, but with some provisos. Make sure, you won’t be plunged into poverty in your old age(which could be so miserable), and consider why you need to post on here for advice. You’ve made your mind up.....haven’t you? Very best wishes.

I would see a solicitor first and gain advice. Another thing you could do is seek advice from Womens Aid, especially if he is violent. No one should feel like this. Im amazed you have stuck it this long. Good luck, and it will work out.

Lots of people have posted words which are wise which I agree with.

Nevertheless it will be difficult , so please keep on posting until you decide what is best for you. x

I agree with the general consensus that you should leave the marriage but when, how and where to are the debatable things. It seems you have already made the decision to go but just need reassurance from others. You have it in spades.

Is there somewhere you could go on a short term basis, like stay with a relative to see how you are feeling out of the situation. You will think very clearly away from the situation. It also gives your husband the jolt he needs. You could visit your home when he is not there to access things you need. I would take anything personal and irreplaceable to you when you first go, particularly if your husband is vindictive.

Both of you coming to terms with things slowly may lead to an amicable situation. You certainly do not want to lose out financially after 40 years. Most of all do not be put off by his veiled threats to disrupt.

Good look for your happy future.

Your situation sounds awful, I certainly wouldn’t be stopping with a man that simply has no respect for you, verbally abuses and was violent. You work he doesn’t, you are dreading going home, I would imagine you are, you try to leave but then feel guilty for leaving him alone, he’s a abuser!, he could threaten all sorts I’d be gone like a shot, you have a small inheritance, which could set u up, your family members say you should have left years ago, you have an escape route do it now, lots of people don’t have,good luck to you nonnas you have the support of your family goooo

NonnaS, leave this abusive man as soon as toy can. Do NOT feel guilty. He doesn't deserve it. If as you say your family members are supportive they will help you. Go quickly.

There is no place for neutrality with domestic abuse.

It's ok to feel guilty and still choose to leave. Abusers are very good at planting the seeds of guilt in order to control you further.

You have made great strides in deciding that it is ok to do what is best for you. Sometimes guilt (and associated feelings) make it hard to ask for support but again you have made that step by posting here.

Further support can also be gained by just reading some of the threads about controlling men on mumsnet.

You don't have to leave now - there is no rush - you can wait until you are ready. The more support you access the more successful leaving will be. Abusers play great games with your mind in order to maintain control. It might be worth reading a bit of 'Why Does He Do That' by Lindy Bancroft.

Nonna, absolutely go. Take you life back. I’m so glad you have the support of others.

Please leave & set up YOUR new life..l am sure your immediate family & friends will have your back, they will have been biting their tongue, watching what you are suffering..& u r suffering. You are stronger than you think, but you can do it & in time l am sure u will think..l wish l had done this...years ago..
Good Luck & much strength..x

I totally get you. 40 years is a very long time. I don't think it's guilt holding you back. I think it's fear of the unknown, unfamiliar surroundings, being older completely in your own. I have been advised for years to do the same as you, but something always holds me back and I hate myself for it. My friends have given up on me and I no longer confide in them as they've heard it all before; I never act on their advice, and I feel so weak and stupid. No violence in my scenario, but definitely emotional and financial abuse of the years. Long, long silences (I'm talking months) if I "upset" him. Totally ignored. I think it's called Stonewalling. Those scars are invisible and take forever to heal. Also he has been very underhand financially. He's got a bit better since he got older, but still needs to know everything about my day to the last detail and I dread retirement. I don't know the answer, but I understand you completely. I don't have the finances to have a nice life or roof over my head should I ever get the courage to go. I wish you well and I wish you courage to see it through despite his threats. It actually shows that he is, in fact, the frightened, emotionally unstable one who fears you going and leaving him.

If you have the wherewithal to live independently I think you should take the plunge now. You are obviously desperately unhappy, and cannot se it getting any better.

I don’t even think you need us to tell you.

Good luck.

GO! I know its easy for all of us to say do it but for yourself you must. Make sure you plan everything so you are not worrying when the time comes. Life is far too short to be miserable and afraid. Good luck

Once you are out and tucked up in your own place you will have one big regret and that is "Why didn't I do this years ago?" I have been in your situation with the most selfish man you could meet. Out amongst friends he was warm and charming, but at home and without an audience he was rude, verbally abusive and horrible. Luckily we were living in my house and the day I kicked him out felt like being released from a straight jacket. The tension just lifted - it felt wonderful.
I have been happily on my own now for 5 years and will never live with anyone again. I have a fantastic family and wonderful grandchildren and my only regret is ever having been involved with him in the first place
GET OUT NOW!!!