AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

Absolutely change the appointment- blame the surgery if you like but she may mention it to them.
You are entitled to have a lovely day!

Unless your mother is having extensive dental work done, I can't imagine that the appointment will take very long will it? Maybe 20 minutes? Half an hour at the most? That wouldn't impact on your day that much and will still leave plenty of time for you and your DH to enjoy a birthday lunch or whatever you had in mind. If the dental appointment is for a lot of work to be done, simply re arrange the appointment. I agree with other posters; if you struggle with your own mother, your DH must be a saint amongst men to offer to take her to the dentist!

Sometimes I think he might as well be her husband not mine nowadays,

Newgran2019. Sounds as if you a wee bit jealous!

I think he is being unreasonable. He could spend the day doing nice things with you.

jaylucy that a great idea. Treat yourself in the morning-make sure you have made the appointment or arrange to meet up with a friend. Then when he gets back (hopefully alone) suggest you go out for a meal in the evening. Next year, get in with an arrangement first.

Are you really saying she asked your husband to book a dental appointment on your birthday? Sounds a bit weird. Didn’t she just ask him to book her appointment and he stupidly booked it on your birthday? Don’t ask me why she can’t use the phone herself..

I feel it's very important that the MiL has been labelled a Narcissist. Equally important that the OP and her Husband feel unable to stand up to her. What a to do! Just be assertive, for once? Say to her "what are we like? completely over looked the date and my birthday, so have re-arranged the appointment. Your SiL will be pleased to take you at that time". Job done. Do it for you, take control and feel better.

Don't we get to a point where birthdays aren't actually THAT big a deal, and certainly nothing to have a hissy fit about. Why not go out together for the evening or go the next day or something?

Go out and drink champagne with your best mate instead ???

The question begs why is your husband making appointment for your mother? Surely it's your responsibility not his? Cancel the appointment, go another day and enrol in assertiveness classes and start standing up for yourself.

I don't think this is really about this particular dental appointment - that's just brought underlying issues to the surface. I would let the appointment stand and make a day of it sometime near your birthday. You and your husband then need to discuss the situation. Maybe he feels he let his own mum down in some way it lost her quite young.,? In any case, the two of you need to agree what is reasonable and set some boundaries about looking after your mum. It sounds as though it's quite a serious issue. Don't hesitate to get professional help - that's a sign you care enough about the well-being of all three of you and not a sign of weakness. Dies your mum get out and gave other friends? If not, maybe encourage this if she's well enough. I hope things get sorted out amicably.

Excuse typos - hopefully you can make sense of my post!

Arrange to have a nice day out, lunch etc with a friend or AC. Sounds as if this a long standing problem and if you are not prepared to sort it out once and for all then just work around IT.

Yes, it was quite thoughtless to book this appt on your actual birthday, however as others say, celebrate the day after if you cannot change it. In the overall scheme of things it dosent really matter, what does matter tho is the way you and DH appear to enable your Mum to dominate your life and it clearly makes you unhappy and causes issues. My own mother has always been a control freak, but when I was in my 40’s I became assertive and stood up to her. I don’t mean aggressively, but calmly put her in her place on numerous occasions. She can no longer manipulate me or tell me what to do and the difference it makes to my life is indescribable. She thinks twice now before saying anything to me, I won’t say out of respect, but she has finally learnt that I won’t do anything that I don’t want to do and she has no right whatsoever to try to control me.

newgran
I don't know how long you've been married but it's obvious that you set up this pattern of pandering to your mother.
I find it hard to believe that your husband started the marriage being frightened of his Mother in law.

Has your mother been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder newgran?
Is she seeing a therapist and have you been advised on coping strategies?
Perhaps you could ask the therapist for advice about helping you both to deal with your mother.

You won’t have your mum forever, wish I still had mine. However, she sounds a very dominating woman. You must do what you want to do and not be dictated by others. Fight back.

Has your mother been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder

Good question Callistemon; it seems that everyone has a narcissist to cope with in their lives these days. Years ago it was just having someone in your life that you didn't get on with!

I am with those that think you are not being unreasonable! Your birthday is only one day a year (unless you are The Queen ?) so you are entitled to have a day that is just yours! If DH won’t bend on the matter then I would arrange a day out with a friend do something he wouldn’t normally do with you and that you enjoy. You can always have dinner with him in the evening.

It is very noticeable that the opening poster, newgran2019, has not returned to this thread to in any way answer the numerous questions that have been asked and posed by her post.

Seems to have become a very frequent event on this forum that a "new forum member" opens a thread that contains a very personal and argumental issue and then never returns to the thread themselves.

Yet another wind-up by way of this one?

Could it be that they are plotting a joint birthday treat for you and it’s not the dentist at all?
Would he be taking her to appointment or are you expected to?
Could he have forgotten it’s your birthday? Mine never knows unless I put it on calendar haha.

why did he make the appt on your birthday? no other appt available..?

no you are not being jealous or possessive or unreasonable
imo

you only get one birthday a year, and surely there was/is another appt available?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

But her mother is unlikely to have forgotten the date I would think, even if her husband has?

If you can’t stand up to your mum, you can hardly complain that your husband doesn’t, I’d give anything in the world to have my mum back, but then we had a very good relationship, did he offer to make the appointment for her.? Or did she ask him too. Do you think it was done on purpose by your husband to get at you to spoil your birthday? To be honest unless she is having extensive treatment surely it would all be over very soon and you could still go out together, Are you a carer for your mum, as you don’t really say much it’s hard to actually get the facts