AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

Wow! My OH hasn't even been in the country for most of my recent birthdays. Unless it's an emergency or the only possible appt for your Mum I'd think she's the issue not your husband!

What does it matter what psychiatric disorder this mother has - or has not. She is behaving unreasonably and one or other of this couple, preferably both, have to stand up to her explain that the date is inconvenient and needs to be rebooked

If she was in any pain, or it was an emergency, she would have been given an immediate appointment and would have been seen by now.

I think that they're having you on and have arranged a super duper birthday surprise for you ?

Did he make the appointment and forget it was your birthday? Maybe you didn’t hint enough. Tell your husband you are going to change it, for goodness’ sake and do just that! Tell the truth to your Mum. Unless she’s in a lot of pain another day or so won’t make much difference.
Birthdays are very important!

Grandad glad you said it and not me.
But yes, it does seem to happen sometimes and often involves a narcissist (undiagnosed by a professional).

I would not like to hazard a guess if this is one such thread, in case the OP is genuine and distressed.

newgran I'm not sure how old your mother is, but by the sounds of it fairly elderly, so well done her for still having her own teeth.

the big question here is whether your mother is actually a narcissist, or 'just a run-of-the-mill-unreasonable' mother. if a genuine narcissist, then it's irrelevant what you try to plan for the rest of the day - her goal will be to ruin your birthday, and she will achieve it!
my suggestion?
• you arrange a special outing/romantic overnight stay, BEFORE your birthday, if at all possible. then you can say, if appropriate, 'oh, we already celebrated.'
• you start watching some you tube 'seminars' about narcissist mother's, and learn how to deal with this problem
• you make a pact with your husband that no matter what you will not allow your mother to come between you.
• and finally, don't be put off by people who think they know better, but actually don't understand. narcissism is a thoroughly misunderstood problem to deal with, even by experts.

good luck - this may be tough, but you'll get a new life.

Callistemon

You definitely are not being unreasonable ! If I were you I’d just book myself on a luxury pampering day and stay overnight !!! Xx

Perhaps he and your Mum have hatched a surprise lunch for you?

When did we start needing the entire day to be devoted to our birthdays? I really don’t get it! I’m 60 and when I was young (child and young adult), this wasn’t a thing at all. People (if they were lucky) had a celebration arranged. This may be a birthday tea, visit to a restaurant or something similar. Everyone went to school or work as normal. Now it’s normal to take the day off work, do no normal activities and the whole day be in celebration. I’m not knocking it. I just wonder when the change happened for those who do this!

The answer to the OP question is, yes, you may be being a bit unreasonable. If he will buy you a gift, a card, maybe take you out for tea, it may be a little OTT to be upset about him arranging the appointment and being willing to take your mother to it.

I've known some of the younger generation celebrate a birthday weekend, Stella

It's his (or hers) birthday weekend was heard frequently when youngest DD was at university.

It’s immaterial what any of us think the OP should or shouldn’t do on her birthday - it’s not about us and our preferences, it’s about her and her (perfectly valid) wishes.

Callistemon - really? Maybe it will eventually be ‘his/her birthday month’

Maybe we could be like the Queen? Have our own "proper" birthday where we can do whatever we wish --slob around in pjs all day and drink gin--; and then another, "official" birthday where we entertain friends and family in an orderly fashion!

Is there any reason that your mother is not able to make the appointment herself and go on her own or make arrangements for her transportation?

the queen wears a night gown; any slobbing around on 21/4 is done in that.
after she's schlepped over to Phil's den for a quick round of (strip) poker. he is the one with the PJs.

New gran hasn’t been back to make a comment ???

That sounds like a really good idea Chewbacca especially the part which includes pyjamas and gin.

Yes, what has happened to Newgran?

It has become very much a trend on this forum for a new member to open a thread which contain very personal but controversial issues. That "sets off" strong argument between those contributing to the thread, while the opening poster never returns to the thread they began.

I suspect that with this thread and others the opening poster is now somewhere on Twitter or Facebook laughing with others on the "controversy and argument " they began on this forum.

Exactly what nipsmum said up thread.

My birthday is just another day. No big deal . Although I know others like to do something special.

Stella, yes, true!!

I'm not sure if they still have 'birthday weekends' now they're all responsible working adults

Although it seems that some weddings can be celebrated for whole weekends now.

I was in a similar situation some years ago, my mother died three years ago now. She chose my husband as her "golden child" and whenever there was something she needed done, she knew that he would be too polite to refuse. She could then go on about how he had helped her when I didn´t. I have only sympathy and my advice would be to speak to your husband and arrange to coordinate your repliess in the future, when she asks him, he should say, I will speak to "newgran" and we will see when we have time to take you. Narcissists like to drive a wedge between the partners, don´t let her.

Hetty58 is 100% accurate.