The letter I wish I had written

Write the letter anyway. I had some counselling and it was suggested that I write to my mother which I did. Then I burned it and found it quite cathartic.

I would do what Sussexborn has suggested, I find writing things down very satisfying, I either delete it if it’s on the PC or I shred it if it’s on paper, it might need doing more than once but I’ve found it very helpful.

Definitely write the letter..... for many years I worked with survivors of childhood abuse and writing it all down even if you them burn it is very cathartic

To my paternal granny and grandad to tell them they were the main love and stability in my life, and how much I love and appreciate them still. My granny has been dead for 44 years and I still have lovely memories of her. My grandad 25 years but the same with him too.

My own parents. Meh.

I didn't write it, but made a point of telling my mother, a couple of years before she died, "I know you know this but I'm need to say how much I love you and am so glad to have had you as a mother" a sentiment I couldn't express to my father, simply because I just didn't feel the same way about him. Maybe I should have written him the letter. Often wonder what it's like to love one's parents equally.

hollysteers, I had a brute of a father too and my mother is a narc so I can relate to your post.
I had a poor foundation so childhood and early adulthood was hard.

Something that I found really poignant was in the film Rocketman where the adult Elton embraces his young self.

It was a lightbulb moment for me, I suddenly realised I needed to to feel proud of the fact that I had survived such an upbringing and was actually a good person.
I was not to blame it was my parents that should feel the shame.

Write the letter. Do it by hand and you can have the satisfaction of watching it burn. It does help. I wrote one to my husband several years after he died. So cleansing, Good Luck.

Writing a letter you don't send is very therapeutic. I recommend hand writing it, not using a keyboard. But it's important not to think too much, try to bi-pass the brain, it should come from the heart or the guts.
Time to set yourself free.
Best wishes.

I'd write it all down as if it was a letter to him and then burn it.

Bluebelle has given tried and tested advice.

Many years ago, I worked for someone who was really horrible to her team. There was very little we could do about it, except... One day we made a cut-out of 'gingerbread men' type figures, so that it unfolded into a long chain. On each of the (joined up) figures, we wrote her name. We held this long chain, and said loudly and firmly how much we disliked her and how horrible she was. Then we fed it into the shredding machine.

I can't even begin to tell you how good it felt, to see her come out in shreds at the other end (well, you know, not literally in person!). It made us all feel a lot more positive about our situation, and even though she continued to be horrible, we were different people and able to deal better with her.

I'd like to write to my first employees for the dreadful way they treated me. It was an office job and after 6 months I decided to resign. The boss was furious and phoned my dad to talk some sense to me! He then offered to double my wages. I was thrilled at this turn of events and when his secretary asked about my wage increase I stupidly told her. By the end of the day I was called into a partners meeting and told I was sacked. All because I blabbed to the secretary. I was a teenage girl and very naive. It was so intimidating facing all the partners, some of whom looked ashamed. I left that day, didn't even empty my desk or pick up my belongings from the cloakroom. I now know it was unfair dismissal and I hate them for it.

Strange as it may seem and it’s hard thing to do..... Forgive him in your own mind or write a letter of forgiveness. After all who is still drinking the poison. He isn’t he is dead. I write these letters in my head all of the time. I use a process called Ho o pono pono it’s Hawaiian forgiveness process very powerful - check it’s out.

I found it very cathartic to write a letter to my then estranged mother, i got all the hurt and resentment down on paper, i shed so many tears when i was writing it, it was then burnt
But it did give me the push to actually send a letter, and i think it's probably the best money i ever spent actually buying a stamp, mum wrote back and she told me a bit about her past, and it gave me so much understanding of her and me, and until she was back in my life i didn't realise how much i missed her, and how much we were alike

Write the letter! You just need to get it off your chest. I had similar situation, councillor told me to write what I needed to say very painful but once I had written it and buried it I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. Good luck I'm sure you will feel better

Thank you for your write the letter now and burn it etc. suggestions, but have known about that for years, got the T shirt, been there. It’s only a temporary gesture and doesn’t get to the root of it. I write poetry and keep a journal (some in shorthand) so am used to writing out my emotions. Therapy would have been good but now I am very content. I married a much older kind man and he was the missing link in my chain. We had three children and he would say he had four children as I was a handful! I have had a lot of love and am grateful. First half of life horrible, second half wonderful.

I had a stupid argument with my best friend, but neither of us would let it go. I heard she'd moved to the West country and I knew where, but I didn't write. I've had a lot of friends down the years, but not one that I could tell absolutely everything to. She was funny, she was wickedly sarcastic but kind too. We had a lot of fun but, underneath the usual girl stuff there was a link I've never had with anyone else. That was forty years ago but I still miss her and every now and then I think about her and wish I'd written.

Dear hollysteers,
I am so sorry to read of your regret. We are all grown wounded children, and unless we are able to find a way through to forgive and resolve our past traumas, they do haunt us all our lives. But just for a moment, think about what must have been done to brutalise your father enough for him to treat you as he did. He was passing on the damage done to him as an innocent child, unconsciously, with no real awareness. My own father, who did his best to be a good parent, had been punished as a boy by being hit with a belt, by his own father. He did not pass that on to his three daughters, but I was always aware of his anger underneath the surface, and that must have come from undeserved punishment. I note how many of the posts mention advice from a counsellor, and that is a very wise way to deal with your distress from your childhood, even if you have to pay privately. if that is beyond your means, do have a look at a unique website that offers a way to work on your problems by yourself. It is: sfhelp.org

Many years ago I was in love with a man, I never told him how much I felt about him as our relationship was complicated by both of our personal lives. He truly was the love of my life and I have never felt for anyone else, including the man I went on to marry, what I felt for him.
We promised each other we would have a future together and would wait for each other and for a myriad of reasons that didnt happen.
Via mutual aquaintances and the wonder of the internet and social media I am aware that he's still around, now a great grandad living a quiet life surrounded by his extended family. We spoke once or twice in the intervening years, once to let him know of the death of a mutual friend and once when my husband and I were holidaying nearby and I stupidly thought we might be able to pay a social call, it didnt happen.
I wish I had told him what he meant to me and how much I loved him.

To the girl I absolutely lost my heart to when I was eight. We have both been married to other people for well over 40 years but I still think of her with great affection. Alas faint heart... and I did put her upon a pillar and then thought she was so far above me I didn’t dare even talk to her..
The folly of youth ... oh Pat you were such a joy and have enriched my whole life, just by being

Yes. Write it anyway, as others have said. I've done this. I have also put a chair front of me, sat in one opposite and told someone everything I never said (they are also long gone). On a nicer note, I have an old bakelite phone and the other night, I picked it up had a conversation with my mum who died at Christmas. The things we say in these situations can be very healing.

Nearly 40 years ago I was briefly married at a young age to an older man with a 7 year old boy whose wife had left him. I soon realised why as he was cold and emotionally and financially abusive. I was in a hopeless situation and was a absolutely useless stepmother
Years later I wrote a letter to the child as a adult expressing my sorrow at how useless I was
He wrote back thanking me ( although he did agree it was a horrid time which I cried about for a long time) however my letter helped him understand more and he was very grateful to receive it

Same as you, bully of a father. Never could do anything well enough for him and it has left me with a lack of confidence for the rest of my life.

When I retired I started jotting down all the vile things my Father has done through his life, at least the ones I knew about. And I had more time to have long conversations with one of my siblings about our unpleasant childhood. Now a few years down the line, I wish I had not 'picked the scab'. But I do find it incredibly helpful to know that there are others out there who suffered grim fathering.

Missfoodlove, you have hit the nail on the head. Now in my seventies, I look back on myself as a child with understanding
and without boasting, think she did rather well, considering!