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Baby’s name could break up my family

(111 Posts)
Normski111 Tue 30-Jun-20 22:51:10

My son and DIL called their son after his only uncle - DIL’s only sibling - (one of his 2 middle names - both her family names). Now they’re having a daughter but my DIL doesn’t want to have my son’s only sibling and only the children’s only auntie in baby’s name. I’m gutted and my daughter will be too.
She hasn’t said anything to me, but my son told me and he’s conflicted between appeasing his wife and considering his sister’s feelings.
The baby is due in 4 weeks and I’m dreading the time when the name’s announced.
It conflicts with my family values and I feel it’s an insult to my family. My DIL has been part of my family for 12 years, over one third of her life, so it really hurts.
How do I respond to keep my values whilst continuing to be a Grandma?

MawB Tue 30-Jun-20 22:58:08

Isn’t it a more than little bit OTT to be worrying about your grandchild’s name?
What his parents call her entirely their business and not yours
What on earth dos this have to do with “family values” ? Yours or anybody else’s.
Be glad she is not going to be called Chardonnay (or if she is, what a charming name!)
My youngest grandson was possibly to be called Gladys or Mabel if he had been a girl. No comment!
Be grateful if they have a healthy baby and smile brightly when you hear her name and say “That's a lovely name”
End of.

Starblaze Tue 30-Jun-20 23:00:41

Why is it such an important value? I really don't understand why this would be something that could break up a family. The children have you in their genes, their lives and their future. You would risk that over a name?

OceanMama Tue 30-Jun-20 23:01:08

I have to completely disagree with you. They are not obligated to name a baby after anyone, even if they have done this before with another family name. Other people's feelings don't come into it when choosing a name for their baby. That's an expectation no-one should have. You don't respond because it's not your baby to name. Naming a baby is not a wider family affair. If your son is conflicted, he needs to sort that out with his wife without your input.

Normski111 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:01:24

Thanks for your perspective MawB.

Hetty58 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:06:08

Normski111, it's always up to the parents to choose a baby's name/s so don't say a word!

SueDonim Tue 30-Jun-20 23:06:41

Good heavens! It could break up your family? Some serious thinking about priorities needs to go on here. I can’t believe a family would fall out over a name.

FWIW, one of my sons has the same name as my Brother in law. My son wasn’t named after my BIL, it was just the name we happened to like the best. No one ever said anything about it and each suits their name in their own way.

Witzend Tue 30-Jun-20 23:08:02

Personally I’d only be bothered if it was a name that would make me cringe. I still feel for someone I know whose first grandchild was Otis.
I’m sure some people like it, but to me it’s 😱.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Jun-20 23:08:08

It won't be the name that breaks up the family, will it?

Normski111 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:08:15

Thanks to everyone who have given me their opinion. It’s very useful to get different points of view.

SpringyChicken Tue 30-Jun-20 23:13:59

One of the great pleasures of becoming a parent is to choose the baby's name. It's outrageous that anyone else dictates to them.

ClareAB Tue 30-Jun-20 23:22:29

I think you're confusing family values with family 'traditions' and crossing the line as a grandparent/in-law. They are becoming a little family who will make their own traditions. Sit back and just enjoy your grandchild.

annep1 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:23:19

Your little granddaughter is going to be born soon, which is really exciting and you're dreading the name being announced. And it hurts. Really??!

Let your son and DiL enjoy choosing a name without feeling stressed by expectations. It's totally unfair. This is meant to be a happy time and you're spoiling it. Their choice of name is nothing to do with anyone else.

Txquiltz Tue 30-Jun-20 23:24:48

The naming is the right of the parents. The extended family delights in the precious new life and celebrates without bringing their emotional baggage along.

Dollymc2 Tue 30-Jun-20 23:26:30

I'm sorry, but I'm not getting the gist of this
Why would giving a baby a certain name, break up your family?
Parents get to choose their children's name, it's their prerogative
Bet you chose your kid's names, did you not? It would be rather odd if you didn't
You get used to it, it eventually suits them
Don't sweat the small stuff
My daughter has taken up a cause and raised over £7,000 to help a little boy called Stan, whose only chance at life, is for his parents to raise £500,000 to get him to Singapore for treatment. He's only two and I don't know if against the rules, but come on lasses #save our stan
He hasn't much time left to fly over there, time is of thr essence

Callistemon Tue 30-Jun-20 23:26:37

Oi, MawB there's nothing wrong with Mabel and it's becoming very fashionable again!
wink

I'm not to keen on Normski, sorry but I'm not. Is it short for Norman or Norma?

BlueBelle Tue 30-Jun-20 23:32:57

Am I hearing right is your family born in a different century
normskill ?
family values have got nothing to do with naming a baby it’s absolutely nothing to do with you and no pressure should be put on your daughter in law
Stop this nonsense immediately you should never have expected her to give the boy a name of your choosing either These expectations are so naughty keep out of their business
and be happy whatever shes named

FarNorth Tue 30-Jun-20 23:37:16

my son told me and he’s conflicted between appeasing his wife and considering his sister’s feelings.

Is it actually your son who first thought this would be a problem, and you are following his lead?
Or would you have felt upset anyway?

Either way, he needs to discuss it calmly with his wife and come to a joint decision with her.

You and his sister need to accept whatever name they choose and be happy about it.

sukie Tue 30-Jun-20 23:48:36

I'm in complete agreement with the other grans' comments and thank you MawB for the chuckle "... or if she is, what a charming name!" grin

NotSpaghetti Tue 30-Jun-20 23:59:00

Appeasing is an odd word here.

V3ra Wed 01-Jul-20 00:01:18

We have two sons.

Before we even met, my husband always thought that if he had a son he would like to call the baby by his own middle name. I had no objections and didn't want to spoil his long-held dream so that was a decision made. It was even more precious as I'd had three scans while I was pregnant that all predicted a girl, so to have a son was a huge surprise!

When we had our second son he said I could choose. I liked the names of two of my former friends from school, he had no objections to them so that was decided.

I think that royalty are the only families where names, usually the middle ones, are chosen to honour (or appease) other family members.

paddyanne Wed 01-Jul-20 00:09:52

It has long been tradition in Scotland that family names are given as middle names ,there are at least 12 men and boys with my late dads name ,mainly because he didn;t have a son to give it to
.Our children didn't follow the tradition and our gd'S have names of their own with no family connections my GS has his GGF's name as his middle name but that was because my mum was still alive and used emotional blackmail on my daughter .As she did !

Lolo81 Wed 01-Jul-20 00:14:20

I hope the advice others have given here have given you food for thought OP, it would be such a shame for such a lovely event to be overshadowed by petty bickering over a name.

If your DD has an issue my advice would be to steer well clear and let her sort it out with her brother. Getting involved in any squabble could cause a serious rift - they’re both adults let them deal with it.

Marthjolly1 Wed 01-Jul-20 00:16:00

Oh for goodness sake. Let the parents decide whatever name they wish for THEIR baby. Maybe you wont like their choice but it's not for you to choose. Just be happy for them and look forward to all the wonderful granny times you will have.

Bibbity Wed 01-Jul-20 00:18:09

my son told me and he’s conflicted between appeasing his wife and considering his sister’s feelings

Unless his sister was there during conception she can but out and he better get his priorities straight ASAP.
They both agreed to GS name. And they both get to agree on GD name. If your daughter wants children named after her she is free to go and create said children, birth them and name them herself.