Not good enough for my daughter?

I have been treated similarly by family. I do believe its in reaction to the pandemic. We are all stressed or nervous over one thing or another and it is easy to vent. A quiet word or ignore it are your choices I feel. Hope you are able to resolve things.

If I’d driven 5 and a half hours anywhere I wouldn’t be up to helping anyone! I’d be wanting a nice rest and recuperation before the 5 and a half hour drive back ! I think your daughter needs to grow up !!

How long did you visit for? Was it a one day thing or longer? If only one day, there probably wasn't much time to 'help out'. If it was a longer visit then everyone mucks in, surely?

It sounds like an open and honest discussion is needed. Communication is difficult over such distance and hurt feelings can fester. Get it all out there and move on. Good luck. X

Your daughter has a damn cheek complaining about this. What does she expect you to do? As an adult she should stand on her own two feet. Does her MIL live nearer?
At five and a half hours away you're not exactly next door are you? She's going to have to become more self-sufficient. You brought her up - how dare she put you on a 'guilt-trip'.

She's a grown woman for god sake!
You know the saying damed if you do and damed if you don't. Your daughter needs to put her big girl pants on and deal with it. When my mother or mother in law came visiting I never treated them as the unpaid help especially after 5.5 journey.

If your daughter is trying to work from home with small children she is probably stressed up to her eyeballs and a family guest coming to stay may have added to that. She may also be on a reduced income if she is furloughed or worried about impending redundancy situation, especially if she has a large mortgage as many young families do. Help may be needed financially, if you can comfortably afford it, such as paying for the weekly shop and some treats, while you are staying or offering to pay for something that is worrying her. Otherwise household chores such tackling a pile of ironing is another form of help. Your daughter may be as insecure as OP in asking. I know I would never ask for help from my parents when I desperately needed because of the risk of it being refused, and feeling bad for asking for help. Your daughter has opened up to you and I think you need to ask her what help she thinks you can reasonably give her, and see what, if anything, you are able to do.

I'm not sure about this 'help' thing that young mums expect these days.
I lived in Surrey -my mother had moved to Forest of Dean. I saw her maybe twice a year.
My MiL was local but not a hands on mum in law & my step mother had never had children & had very strict ideas about how they should be brought up- seen & not heard etc.
So I muddled through with the help of friends & it was all just fine. We raised our 2 boys who are now both great dads themselves.
I can understand that maybe if you have to work then Mum is useful at times but we never worked & stayed home to bring up children until they went to secondary school. I didn't know a single young mum who went out to work then. I know the mortgage rate situation stopped all that in the 80s.
Don't feel guilty- you did your bit when she was young & she now has to cope herself- no-one said it would be easy!
But it's worth it!

Flaming heck.. you have to drive five and a half hours to get to her what did she expect?? And by the way the way the road runs both ways?

Don't think you are not good enough in any way. Neither should you dwell on this or apologise. Next time you go, maybe you could say "anything you'd like me to do" a few times a day. Other than that, play with the children at every opportunity. I dare say that your daughter may be stressed and also that she would be mortified to know you feel this upset. Forgive and forget is my motto.

We don’t know the full situation but I well remember my mum coming over and I had to wait on her, hand and foot,get her meals, cups of tea etc.And she never enjoyed playing with her gc.
Surprisingly, as she got older she did help a bit more which was strange and I never said anything to encourage her ,it just happened.
You have a long drive to get there, and it does take it out of us for a day or two after.Maybe she still thinks you’re as fit and energetic as when you were 40.
An honest discussion may help,and allowances for how this pandemic has stressed us all.

First of all, I don't blame you for feeling hurt. If my mother (still miss her every day!) had driven five hours to see me I'd be so thankful to see her and so pleased with her effort, I wouldn't have dreamed of complaining about anything! But perhaps your relationship is a bit touchy? Where does your daughter's MIL live? Is it closer or around the same distance away? If it's closer then it's obviously easier for her to be on the deck. However hard your daughter found the lockdown taking it out on your mother seems a bit hard. But sometimes it can be better to just say nothing when family members are difficult for the same of peace.

How rude.
You are her guest, not her servant.
I would be hopping mad, and definately have a few meaningful words with your ill-mannered daughter.
Five hour drive, and that's all the thanks you get....... Grrrr!!

I can understand why you are so hurt, what was she expecting, a spring clean from top to bottom. Because we have been through such a strange and stressful time lately I think on this occasion I would say I was sorry about not helping, try and mention the 5 hour drive and of course it would be interesting to know just what she was expecting. One of my memories of my mum is her coming to visit, spending all the time playing with the GC, talking to me and then on the day she was going home insisting on washing the kitchen floor, I could never work out quite how to take it!

My AC dont expect me to 'help' when i visit them, they know i do lions share of everything at home (still have 2 youngest sons at home,17& 21, with slight disability) and ive arthritis etc.But any help i do give (making a brew, occupying the GC) etc.is very much appreciated..Think back to how we were when that age& our mums etc came to visit?- we used to tell them to sit down & wait on them..it was our 'roost' we never expected help from visitors..maybe shes felt a bit overwhelmed by the lockdown situation, with having kids& hubby at home all day under her feet, so much more to do, AND homeschooling etc..perhaps she'd hoped you'd offer her more help so she could rest a bit more- but youre not a mindreader- she could have asked.

Yes thats the thing too i think, if youre still 'youngish' in looks or outlook etc i think your AC find it hard to take in that youre getting older or find things a struggle or wearing more than you used to- i have to point it out sometimes to my 2at home, they can manage some things that i can't, bins etc., but won't unless i ask specifically.

Gardenrose in Malta we say "you ask 'you want?' to the ill person", i.e. you just up and do it for them, but in this case you are not at fault - your daughter is. After such a long drive, which took an effort on your part, she should have told you what she needed, not waited until you had not done it, and gone back home, to tell you about it. This is not nice of her.

Unfortunately, I have found that ‘a mother’s place is in the wrong’. I admit that I’m a little envious of Gransnetters for whom that isn’t the case.

Er, what was the husband doing? Isn’t he also responsible for sharing household chores and child care?

It sounds like she was expecting a visit from Mary Poppins rather than her mum!

Just a thought - Could she have meant help financially? Had her MIL been helping financially during lockdown? I know some of my AC and their families have been struggling on 80% pay whilst on furlough. Two were very pleased (when we visited for the first time since lockdown) and arrived with a full meal ready to pop in the oven for all of us. I think they had been worrying about the cost of extra mouths to feed.

Most of the posters have said everything, and a few things I agree with are that a 5.5 journey is tiring, and you would have needed a rest after that. Also these days the younger mums are often looking for hands on help with cleaning etc. I would do my share to help my daughter and do not mind but then I also get asked if I could help with a few groceries. Like the original poster I have then been told I do not help enough.
I set my boundaries these days and "do what I can manage"
and if my daughter wants a cleaner I have told her to put an advert in the local shop for one. I am not getting any younger and I have my own home to run as well.

At 67 I am 10 yrs younger than Dd's mother in law. Her son always moans that hiss mum doesn't do enough on visits! I always point out that she is older and in poor health, the trip there alone is enough to put her in bed for a few days! They live in Australia!!

So many people are so very stressed at the moment and may seem over-sensitive - we all are in some degree.

I would just say to her that you were not aware of what her needs are and you are happy to do all you can if she would like to discuss it with you. But in the end if she is asking things that you cannot do for practical reasons, you may not be able to do as she wants - but perhaps also enter the discussion with some ideas of your own that you might be able to suggest when she has had her say.

Above everything else do not allow "other gran" considerations to get into the discussion - whatever you feel on that score is absolutely best left unsaid.

I am guessing that she is talking about the fact that she felt that you didn't help her during your visit, be it washing up, making coffee, cleaning, even laundry which to me is quite strange!
When you are a guest in someone else's house, it is not always easy to help with things in case you do it wrong! Why on earth did she not say to you either before you went or when you had arrived something like "Mum, while you are here staying with us, would you mind doing xyz?" . Maybe MiL just walks in and takes over so DD just assumed that while you were there, you would do the same - even after a 5 and a half hour drive!
I'm afraid that if you go and stay at someone elses house, you are a guest and the host does most of what is needed - seems DD got the idea it should be the other way round!

I do sympathise with you on this. It is something that affected me when I shielded for 3 months with my daughter and family recently. I got up her nose because I tried to be TOO helpful.

I think we mothers can't really win whatever we do.

In the end I had 3 main jobs and they were Dogs ( feeding walking and general care) Ironing and the Dishwasher. At least I knew where I was once those duties were established.

Try to get her to be clear.

Does she acknowledge that it's a long drive ? Do you get the chance to rest after the journey ?

All the very best.

You have to drive for over 5 hours to visit your daughter so really at your (our) age she shouldn't be expecting you to help when you get there. I visit my daughter, just over 2 hours away and quite frankly the last thing I want to do when I get there is to start doing things, just want a cup of tea and a chat.
Your daughter is an adult now and should realise that your energy levels are not the same as hers, talk to her find out what help she expected and if its physical work then remind her of how tired you get driving that distance.