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Should I risk seeing my male friend

(56 Posts)
Schumee Fri 10-Jul-20 08:40:21

I met someone online and saw him twice before lockdown. Since then we have spoken every night on Skype and get on really well. He has suggested meeting up again but said he doesnt think he can see me without giving me a hug. I haven't seen anyone inside my house or touched anyone since lockdown and although I would love to see him I dont want to take any risks. Should I see him and refuse to hug or should I hold on till it is safe. I feel that he is thinking I am trying to put off seeing him.

Galaxy Fri 10-Jul-20 08:44:18

What does he mean by cant resist, he needs to resist if you dont want to. Virus or no virus.

Lucca Fri 10-Jul-20 08:48:23

I’d say that for the future wellbeing of a potential relationship you must do absolutely whatever you feel comfortable with and not be coerced into anything.

tiredoldwoman Fri 10-Jul-20 09:08:44

How nice that someone wants to hug you ! How dangerous and disrespectful if he does ! So rules have to be agreed - have a nice walk somewhere - no hand holding etc . Hope it goes well x

Galaxy Fri 10-Jul-20 09:10:19

If someone touches someone when they dont want to be touched it's not nice.

eazybee Fri 10-Jul-20 09:30:47

You don't feel comfortable with receiving a hug?
Follow your instincts.

ValerieF Fri 10-Jul-20 19:26:25

Maybe it is just his way of saying he finds you attractive Schumee? Doesn't mean he will grab you and force you into anything. If you meet up, how do you know it won't be you that will want to hug him?

If you both want to meet up then go ahead, meet in an open space. A park bench will do. Talk, get to know each other a bit more, arrange to meet again if you want but don't assume because he has said that he is disrespecting you or the distancing rules. Obviously if he does overstep the mark then you know he isn't the one! Give him a chance in real life though if you think there is something there.

FarNorth Fri 10-Jul-20 19:42:20

I wouldn't meet him.
I guess you must have told him you think hugging would be too risky, and his reply was that he might not be able to help himself.
So he has failed to accept your legitimate concern and, in my opinion, can't be trusted.

Even if he agrees not to hug you (grab you without your consent) you will be worried that he 'won't be able to help himself' and, of course, he may actually do it, causing even more concern for you.

You sound as though you like to be super-cautious, as I do, so meeting up with this guy seems like it's not worth it.

Sunlover Fri 10-Jul-20 19:50:30

Meet him for a coffee or lunch outside. Explain how you are unsure about hugging anyone yet. If he likes you he will understand and wait till you feel comfortable.
I’m not comfortable hugging anyone at the moment. Not even family.

welbeck Fri 10-Jul-20 20:52:53

no don't do it.
suppose he makes a lunge and grabs you.
and you will have that fear all the time you are with him.
you will be on edge, trying to suppress it, think of the energy of that.
trying to be nice, polite, not hurt his feelings etc..
typical female behaviour/ conditioning.
which so many men play on. he might. he might not.
why take the risk.
i recoiled when i read that bit about, doesn't think he can see you without giving you a hug.
talk about entitlement.
and his get out clause; if he does it and you protest, he can say, well i did say i would have to hug you...
no. this does not bode well. be very careful. do not meet.

GagaJo Fri 10-Jul-20 20:59:59

I won't meet up with my partner of 15 years because he won't isolate for a period before seeing me. He thinks the rules are silly. I say, if he really wanted to spend time with me he would. I'm taking no extra unnecessary risks.

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 10-Jul-20 22:10:08

See him, but refuse to hug or touch him. Tell him beforehand so that he knows your boundaries.
It’s a tough time to start a new relationship, but if he agrees to do what you ask him, then he might be a keeper.

FarNorth Sat 11-Jul-20 07:32:25

he might be a keeper ??
And he might be a bully and a health risk.
Why chance it?

BlueBelle Sat 11-Jul-20 08:35:28

If you feel happy with the situation and also want a hug do so if you don’t want to meet and have a hug dont
You really can’t get your answers from here it will be our feelings not yours would you ask your mum ?

If you’re adult enough to have a relationship you should be adult enough to make your own mind up

Lucca Sat 11-Jul-20 08:39:43

BlueBelle

If you feel happy with the situation and also want a hug do so if you don’t want to meet and have a hug dont
You really can’t get your answers from here it will be our feelings not yours would you ask your mum ?

If you’re adult enough to have a relationship you should be adult enough to make your own mind up

I thought that too. It thought I might be accused of being unkind. Anyway OP hasn’t come back so who knows?

Nortsat Sat 11-Jul-20 09:28:25

I am with Sunlover on this.

Explain that you are not willing to hug and surely he should understand. Then with those ground rules you could meet for coffee outside.

If he really feels unable to manage himself and not hug you, then I would consider that a warning flag and be very dubious about continuing the friendship.

Saying that he would be unable to resist hugging you may have been light hearted. You probably just need a further conversation to clarify and set some ground rules.

Hope all goes well ...😎

vampirequeen Sat 11-Jul-20 09:46:19

You're the only one who can make this decision because you know him. If you've been talking through lockdown you must have got to know each other and be able to say what you want. Tell him you'd love to hug too (if you do) but you're not happy to do it yet. You feel you need to respect the guidelines for a while longer. If he's a nice man he'll be OK with that even if it's not what he wants. If he says he won't meet you unless he can touch you then it's a bit creepy.

Schumee Sat 11-Jul-20 09:49:31

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions, I think I probably knew the answer in my own head but wondered if I was being too anxious. I have suggested meeting up outside and will take it from there.

Dibbydod Sat 11-Jul-20 09:59:58

Tell him your more than happy to meet up , be it a walk on the beach or chat on park bench , but make it clear he needs to keep his distance at all times . Think his attitude is all wrong in saying he can’t see you without giving you hug , as he’s not taking in your feelings , and his “ hug” could well have other things on his mind . I’m on the dating scene and no way would I agree to meet up on his terms alone , dating is 50/50 these days , not one sided , so be extra careful .

Aepgirl Sat 11-Jul-20 10:04:21

I think if you are asking us, you really are not feeling it is right. Follow your instincts.

Dorsetcupcake61 Sat 11-Jul-20 10:04:44

I always think it's good to go with your instincts. What struck me was that you have already met him twice so maybe there was something about his behaviour that has made you cautious? With online relationships, even when Skype you only see people how they want to be seen for that period of time. It's not unknown for people to have multiple people they chat to or see. If it has the potential to be a genuine relationship he will understand. If he disappears in a puff of smoke he may have done that anyway . Good luck.

Tanjamaltija Sat 11-Jul-20 10:05:26

Translation: "... you know you want to see me, so it's par for the course that you'll let me hug you..." He didn't even ask for your opinion.

jaylucy Sat 11-Jul-20 10:09:02

If you have to ask a question to complete strangers on forums such as this, you have your answer already!
If you are not sure, don't do it!
I'm always wary of men that say words to the extent of "I won't be able to keep my hands off you" my experience means that they either are smooth talking and not really worth bothering with, or you could be coerced into doing something that you don't want to do!

Flakesdayout Sat 11-Jul-20 10:20:50

Do you know where he has been throughout lockdown? Has he been meeting people, socially distancing etc etc? It is nice that he wants to hug, but he has to be responsible. Personally I would wait a while or meet out in the open with no touching. As others have said trust your instincts. Lets hope he is just a really nice touchy feely man. Oh just seen your latest post - good luck x

GagaJo Sat 11-Jul-20 10:23:40

Exactly, Flakesdayout. I met up with my bloke once, because he said he'd isolated and had a test (I saw the test result). While I was with him, he arranged to meet up with a friend and was shocked when I said I'd be gone when he got home after seeing the friend.

My rule has been the same all the time since March. Don't know why he was shocked!