What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

Don't throw him out or leave but gather evidence of his mistreatment. If he abuses or is rude to you or the rest of your family it could form the basis of an unreasonable behaviour claim for a divorce. Try and find a good divorce solicitor (they do vary). The advice about opening your own bank account is good as well. It won't be easy but keep in mind that one day you will be able to welcome your GCs and enjoy your family free from the worry of this awful man.

Bloody hell, he sounds awful, how have you stuck it this long. I hope you leave him, you sound far too nice a person to be around such a horror

You're married and have been for 30 years therefore the courts will look at the property as jointly owned no matter whose name it's in. They have a starting point of splitting everything 50/50. You need legal advice Asap before doing anything. You are told not to change the locks because it's still his home and he has right of entry, so if you change them you could be made to change them back. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Thank you everyone for your replies ? They have made me see what a fool I have been for putting up with my husband for so long. I know he’ll never change. He’s evil for saying what he did.

I’ve given him the best years of my life. Thing is the longer I’ve been with him the more weaker I’ve become. Had I been strong I’d have left him years ago. I think it was a case of being too scared of going it alone again and being scared of the unknown. It was hard for me to do it the first time and I was much younger then.

My first husband was an alcoholic and was always in and out of jobs. He physically and mentally abused me and when I finally left him the children and I were very happy. And we coped. Then I met my second husband. I thought the world of him and thought that from now on we’d be a happy family. How wrong I was.

It’s not all been bad. As the years passed by there’s been some wonderful times but they never lasted. I’ve always had to tread carefully and be careful what I said because one day I’d say something and it’d be fine. The next day I’d say something and he’d go off in one of his moods. Thinking back I realise he’s been a bully and very moody all our married life.

But no more. I don’t want to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to shed any more tears or feel alone when I have a wonderful family that don’t want to visit because of him. I will tell him today that we are well and truly over. There is no going back from this. My grandchildren are my world and I want to have them visit me without having to worry about my husband hating them being here.

I will seek legal advice. I will tell my children what I’m going to do.

Thank you everyone for your advice ?

Cuckooz

Thank you everyone for your replies ? They have made me see what a fool I have been for putting up with my husband for so long. I know he’ll never change. He’s evil for saying what he did.

I’ve given him the best years of my life. Thing is the longer I’ve been with him the more weaker I’ve become. Had I been strong I’d have left him years ago. I think it was a case of being too scared of going it alone again and being scared of the unknown. It was hard for me to do it the first time and I was much younger then.

My first husband was an alcoholic and was always in and out of jobs. He physically and mentally abused me and when I finally left him the children and I were very happy. And we coped. Then I met my second husband. I thought the world of him and thought that from now on we’d be a happy family. How wrong I was.

It’s not all been bad. As the years passed by there’s been some wonderful times but they never lasted. I’ve always had to tread carefully and be careful what I said because one day I’d say something and it’d be fine. The next day I’d say something and he’d go off in one of his moods. Thinking back I realise he’s been a bully and very moody all our married life.

But no more. I don’t want to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to shed any more tears or feel alone when I have a wonderful family that don’t want to visit because of him. I will tell him today that we are well and truly over. There is no going back from this. My grandchildren are my world and I want to have them visit me without having to worry about my husband hating them being here.

I will seek legal advice. I will tell my children what I’m going to do.

Thank you everyone for your advice ?

Thank you for coming back to let us your know your decision.

Cockooz well done

Put your family's visit on hold and go there instead. Separate your finances, and initiate a formal separation pending divorce and start living as if there were 2 individuals sharing the same house i.e. no cooking/washing for him etc. You've been together a long time though so he probably will be entitled to half of everything even if the house was yours to start with.

Could you forgive him if he admitted he has a legal duty of care for any visitors children or adults, and will remove the spikes?

Is it possible he does not understand you are serious when you told him to leave? Can you backtrack a little and say something like "Unless you are more polite to the visitors, and unless you are more responsible for their welfare and pleasures while they are our guests I will insist you leave my house" ?

At least you have made the decision. Better on your own, he holds you back from being yourself. You should get half of everything now. That’s the only problem with splitting up, you end up with half of what you had, that’s why a lot of people accept the unacceptable. No amount if money is worth someone like him, what he said was chilling.

Sorry, Cuckooz, I wrote before I'd read you have already decided what to do.

I agree with GillT...

do it now? it is your decision, I know what I would do.
and yes, keep talking to us,, we are here for you, as much as we can be.
sending hugs and love and prayers,,, not necessarily in that order.

me too Alexa.

apologies Cuckooz.. go for it... keep talking to us, if it helps
but get legal advice ASAP

Hi there it’s an awful situation but I think you need to take immediate legal advice your husband although not on the deeds will have some rights regarding his tenure in the property either as a “basic occupier” or worse case scenario a beneficial interest in the house

You say the house is in your name. Have you thought about changing the locks ?

It's obvious you have to get rid of him. He sounds nasty and who wants someone like that in their life? He's certainly not going to change.

Call a solicitor today (from your mobile, out of earshot)

I don’t know what you should do, other than get him out of your life and if you need to take legal advice to figure it out, then do it. My heart goes out to you - what a horrible situation to be in. He sounds like a monster. Do not spend any time thinking of what you should have done in the past - regrets get you nowhere. Just look to the future and if your AC can give you the emotional Support you need, accept it - don’t be a hero. Xxx

Stay put, get legal advice and see if you can " buy " him out if finances permit and take out a 10 year mortgage.
Law has it that the value of the property is split two ways whether he's contributed to its purchase or not since you were married to each other and lived there.

Personally, although the law can seem unfair in these situations I'd be only too glad to give him his share to see the back of him ! See a solicitor asap. x

So very sorry my lovely
Make your plans and take action. You will start to feel better once you do
Don't spoil the impending visit. Try your best to make the problem outside safe. Enjoy seeing the people you love. Then take action.
First - do the sums and see what your finances would look like for day to day expenses - just for your own peace of mind.
Second, start divorce proceedings by going to talk everything through with a solicitor. They will make sure you are completely clear about your rights and finances. There will be advice about getting problem people to leave.
Third - set up your own bank account and transfer whatever you can - bearing in mind where direct debits need to be.
Where this all takes you will very much depend on the answers you will get from your solicitor.
I wish you great good luck and a happy life henceforth.

I agree. You need legal advice. If the house is in your name can you sell it? Move nearer to your children. You say you have no friends so you would be leaving nothing behind. you can not make any plans without knowing your rights

Cuckooz please don’t look back but look forward. Life isn’t a rehearsal, we only get the one go round, your 63 years young and have the rest of your life ahead of you and many years to enjoy your children and grand children’s lives without fear or dread. First, open a new bank account immediately, transfer half of the joint account into it and ensure your money is paid into the new account. The same day have an appointment made to see a divorce solicitor. They will mention mediation, it’s evident you don’t need that so don’t be coerced into agreeing, be strong. Have three instances where your husbands behaviour was untenable to show your marriage has irrevocably broken down. Ask the solicitor to file straight to the court bypassing any back and forward discussions with your husbands solicitor. (When you get home from the solicitor inform your husband that you’ve started divorce proceedings and advise him he should instruct a solicitor as soon as possible). It will be tough but you’ve done 30 tough years so you can do this. You will be moving as you will have to split the proceeds of the home and any assets but please don’t forget his pension! Remember the house you’re in is just bricks and mortar and Just think you can move nearer your family, have a nice flat nearby and see them much more. You may have to live with him while you are going through a divorce but if you proceed as above it should be a very quick divorce (hopefully no longer than six months) and part of the agreement would be the sale of the house so early on, if agreement is reached the house can be put on the market. Irrespective of what he may want (if he doesn’t agree to a divorce) it will proceed. I’ve been there, I’ve don’t that, if I have any regrets is that I didn’t do it sooner! I wish you all the best. Stay strong and walk tall.

Take the bull from the horns and do it now!!
You deserve a better life for you, your children and grandchildren. It won't take long for your life to change for the better.

I have been in your situation, Cuckooz, and all I can add is to MOVE FAST. If he thinks you will go through with your threat to leave and he is an unreasonable and selfish as he sounds, he will move like lightening on the finances. You may well find the joint account empty already. That's what my ex-partner tried to do to me and only failed because in his panic he forgot his pin number!!
Although the house is in your name, he will be entitled to a share as he has contributed to it's upkeep over the years, but this may be a chance for you to have a complete fresh start by selling it and buying yourself a smaller property nearer your grandchildren.
I would act first, then discuss. He doesn't sound like the type of person who cares about anyone but himself and your discussions will get you nowhere

I'm sorry to hear this, I'm afraid I personally couldnt or wouldn't have put up with his controlling nasty behaviour, and yes I say nasty because he wanted to marry you and you came with 2 beautiful children.
It's a shame your now missing out on their grown up lives because of him and now your lovely grandchildren..I would definitely get legal advice ...good luck and I hope things get sorted xx

* Cuckooz*

Don't be too hard on yourself, from what you have said from your first marriage I guess you were vulnerable when you met your second husband and someone shows you a bit of kindness and 'bingo' you fall in 'love' You have now seen the light and keep strong and under no circumstances should you think he will change he won't. It will not be easy but my goodness when you come out the other end strong independent and HAPPY it will be worth it. Life in my sixties was the best with new groups new hobbies but most of all Peace of mind. Good Luck and I wish you every happiness