What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

Oh my goodness, mistakes have been made, but it’s not too late. Please get legal advice. If the house is totally yours, you may be able to have him removed by the police for trespassing, but I’m not sure. I would definitely give your local station a call though, to get advice. I would feel threatened and scared of him. He sounds a nasty piece of work, and he needs to be removed. Once out...get the locks changed, but don’t leave your house, he could get squatters rights. Is there someone who could move in with you, to make you feel safer in the first instance? You must get a solicitor though, and fast. I’ll be thinking of you?

Get legal advice NOW!!
If it is easier go to Citizens Advice - ask at library for their address but they may be based there anyway.
You deserve better than this,!

I couldnt, no wouldnt, have have put this man before my children, id have got rid of him years ago!- so i have no words for 'kind' advice- you know you should have done that back then, youve 'allowed' him to bully & belittle you& your kids for years and hes still getting away with it! 'He just wont go'? I would have packed his bags years ago- ive no idea why your kids would want to stay for days at a time there they must be gluttons for punishment as well.sorry but ive no kind words for anyone who would put a bloke before their own kids, especially one like him, under the guise of 'loving him then'- its tantamount to helping him be cruel to them.if you had no kids then it would be you alone who was daft enough to stay with him but with your children, putting them through that life?just no.- water under the bridge? I doubt your AC feel like that about it, you're very lucky they still come see you, let alone bring their children.Get the legal advice,first split the money, then make him leave, if he turns nasty ring the police on him.If i were you i would then sell my own house and move to a little place nearer my AC. You could try start making it up to them then over allowing this nasty bloke to control all your lives for so long.Sorry if you feel my plain speaking is harsh, but i feel it has to be said.

The first thing I would do is get someone in to make those dangerous spikes safe. If your grandchildren are still coming to visit, that's surely a priority. And yes, legal advice. I'm afraid that if you're married to this man, then the matter of whose name the house is in might well be irrelevant. All good luck to you.

This sounds like insidious coercive control to me - he's putting you to the test hoping you won't invite your family over any more by creating a horrible atmosphere before/during/after their visit.

If you don't make a decision to stand up and be counted now, it will only get worse and you'll end up like I did, a prisoner in your own home - seeing nobody;talking to no one.

It's not easy to get out - walking away felt a bit like Nelson Mandela's walk to freedom for me, and it's not all roses afterwards but it's worth it just to be your own person again.

Get advice ring the national abuse help line

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Call us, 24-hours a day, for free and in confidence.

0808 2000 247

We understand it can be difficult to pick up the phone. You can now chat to us online, live: Monday – Friday, 3pm – 6pm.

Chat to us live
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I agree with quizqueen.
absolutely get at least half of the joint account money out and into your own account. We don’t know how much you will have but you need some money behind you for the unexpected.

You may have to live in the same house while proceedings get going. I’ve known people do this and get through it.

I’d go visit the AC so you can relax. But just maybe once you tell them what you are doing they and you might find if they visit you it would be ok. They would no longer have to be polite to him. You would no longer be anxious about his behaviour it wouldn’t matter any more.

As you went into this with your eyes wide open, knowing he did not like kids, you can't really be surprised when he behaves the way he does. What else was he to do? At least he was open about how he felt, and probably did the best he could in the circumstances. Staying away from them was better for all.

But we never choose who we fall in love with, and now it's over. So : get shot of him ASAP.
Get legal advice immediately, and look FORWARD not back, to a future that YOU want.

He sounds evil.
See a solicitor kick him out.

Insist on him leaving you, get a solicitors letter saying the marriage is over, I was married for 38 years, I left my husband and went to women’s aid for help as there was abuse.
It was hard for me as I left everything behind and went in just the clothes I wore that day, when I got a flat I didn’t even have a teaspoon to my name, but it’s made me stronger, now years later , I’m in a new relationship, I’m 62 and very happy.i hope you can find the nerve to get him out, start your life again, it can end up being the happiest you have ever been.
It’s not easy, but nothing ever is, but it’s worth it.
Just make sure you get him out the house, not you leaving the house, that will be easier for you, take care, if you need to talk, don’t hesitate to email me.love n hugs jay ❤️??xx

It's one thing to not be keen on children, but to wish them harm is unforgivable. What on happened to him to make him so spiteful? Don't make the same mistake with your grandchildren as you did with your children.

You've received good advice here from many posters. Get the legal advice you need asap but make sure you set up a separate bank account first as you'll need access to those funds to pay a solicitor. If the funds are small maybe start with the Citizens Advice Bureau. That was my first port of call when I wanted a divorce, followed by a free half hour with a solicitor.
My ex was much more reasonable than yours seems to be but he very soon emptied our joint account! Athough I had my own bank account, I'd been a 'stay at home mum' for many years, and by then was only working part time in a low paid job, so there wasn't much coming in and I was totally dependent on him. I dread to think what would have happened if he'd been completely unreasonable as yours sounds.
Also after many years of marriage it is easy to feel unable to cope alone. Your confidence has taken a knock, as mine had, but I soon realised I was strong and my ability to cope soon came back. I wished I'd made him leave at the start, but I'd agreed to him remaining in the spare bedroom due to my fear of coping alone with the children, so the divorce took much longer. Thankfully I got there in the end and he is now someone else's problem!
Good luck!

I'm so sad for you and wonder what it was about him that made you fall in love with him in the first place?
It's a fact that some people just don't like young children - usually because they have had little contact with them so really don't know what to do but in this case, it's way beyond that.
Please see or get legal advice first of all and then open your own bank account , take out your share and direct debits etc and put them in that account.
As far as your house is concerned, it may be in your name but if your husband has contributed in any way such as by paying bills etc he may be entitled to a share but any solicitor will be able to advise.

What a horrible, horrible man . I hope you don't do anything for him , like cooking . Just keep saying you want him out . Be as horrible to him as he is to you and your family . Close the joint account immediately. Give him a cheque for half. Tell him you want a divorce. Stand up to this vile man.

Sadly your other half will have an entitlement on your home, up to 50%. Go and see a solicitor ASAP, you have no legal right to force him to leave, however what you have described is a form of domestic abuse, although you may not recognise it. All of us have made mistakes, don’t beat yourself up, but you can have a happy future at the end of all this. Do open your own bank account, it’s very simple especially if you do it online, then move 50% of your cash into your bank. Are you financially independent ? Just stick to your guns,& perhaps move yourself into the spare room. Wishing you the very best of luck xx

I agree with all posters and just want to add my best wishes to you and remind you to go outside and put a bucket over those metal bars.

Only one thing I would add to this good advice . If it were me I would ask My grown up son to stay in the house for a while at this testing time . It would give me moral support and would make me feel less vulnerable while I went to the solicitor and bank.

He sounds hateful, is it not possible for you to visit your family. Good luck, and please don't stay with him, get advice. I hope you can move on and be happy.

You poor lady, it never ceases to amaze me how we soldier on in such difficult situations and yet we do. I feel you’ve made a brave decision and take all the advice you can and end this destructive relationship.

I too spent thirty years of my life feeling demoralised and now I’m so happy with a wonderful loving husband. Your children love you or they really would never visit! Ask for their help and check your rights and plough on, the little light at the end of the tunnel will grow eventually I promise.

Every one here will support you, well done you the first step has been taken.

Get out of there now. If you are in a relationship or a friendship where there is bad feeling it’s not worth remaining.
If it does not lift your spirits it’s not worth giving it time and energy. He is a heartless brute and has made you u happy for years, but the worst part is that he’s made you miss out on such wonderful times with your children that you can never get back. Don’t allow him to do the same for you with your grandchildren.
Time to put YOU first!

I think you can usually get half an hour free with some solicitors google the ones in your area, not sure if they are doing face to face appointments at the moment but as others have said you do need legal advice~(he knows that and thinks you wont get any!). Good luck hope all works out for you and you are young enough to start a new better life without him.

You definitely need to persevere - I'd be tempted when your AC are with you, to change all the locks, and pack all his stuff into the car! Tempted but probably illegal

Dear friend, From your description it is highly likely that your husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. All the professional advice is to leave as soon as you can make the necessary arrangements and cut him out of your life completely.
Please look up psychotherapist Kim Saeed's website and sign up for her free informative emails.
They will help you to understand how he thinks and why it is necessary to leave.
At present he is using you for his own ends.
I speak from bitter experience, as I divorced my ex after 28 years, but went on to endure another 20 years of six monthly depression episodes every year.
Kim likens the after effects of leaving a narcissist to PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.
I decided to consult her when I realised that my daughter takes after her father. She has recently ceased contact with me and to my great distress, prevented me from seeing my only grandchild. Kim advised me to see a trauma specialist, such is the effect of a relationship with someone with NPD.
As you have found, your husband will never change, not ever.
His hatred for children undoubtedly stems from his own traumatised childhood.
I wishyou well in your recovery and new life.
I now have a life I could only have dreamed of, and have been depression free for 19 months now.
Best wishes for the future.

Nannan2

I respect your views but I think your post is exceptionally harsh! It’s obvious you may have been lucky with your choices of life partner and haven’t experienced mental cruelty and insidious controlling behaviour? As women we generally do the very best for our children but mental abuse and controlling behaviour can be very subtle, wear you down and over time to protect children and themselves women adapt and change without even realising it’s happening! Bear in mind this man came into the lives of two children knowing his thoughts and feelings on children, isn’t that insidious, underhand and no doubt started his controlling behaviour. Let’s remember also men like that target vulnerable women! Until you walk in someone’s shoes perhaps it’s better to try and look at the whole picture rather than berate someone because they don’t measure up to your morals and beliefs. Aside of all that happened in the past it’s obvious the adult children love their mother and want a relationship with her and for her to have a relationship with the grandchildren. It costs nothing to be kind and especially toward women who are facing huge troubles in their lives..... just saying.

Youve finally reached your tipping point. You deserve to be happy for your remaining life. I can see no positives to staying together. Initiate divorce proceedings now.