What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

So sorry to read this, I would get legal advice, although things are in your name he may be legally entitled to some things, make a note of all the things that have happened as grounds for unreasonable behaviour, you are still young enough to start over, it sounds like your adult children would welcome this so I’m sure they will support you although there maybe some resentment that you didn’t do it for them, just be prepared for that. Even if things are more difficult financially without him the freedom you experience will be worth it, I am sure. Best wishes xx

First thing I would do is open up my own bank account and take half of the balance of the joint account out. Then seek legal advice without consulting him to make sure where you stand legally. Don't make him any offers of the car of the house etc until you have the correct advice. On the personal front he sounds like a mean old man who has always had his way and you are still young enough to have a happy life on your own. I'm 65 and hubby is 72, I've been his carer for nearly 43 years due to him having two brain tumours and now Lewy Body Dementia. I'm trapped and have no life of my own, I wish I had taken steps years ago before the dementia set in to sort out a new life for myself after arranging his care needs. I felt guilty so stayed but looking back you have to look after yourself too, you only have one life, live what's left of it xx

from past experience i will not go into firstly do not give him money,open a bank account in your own name and any money that is yours transfer from the joint account, if you tell the bank your marriage is breaking up they will do this quickly for you. do not give him the car its yours as is your home, and see a solicitor ASAP assets only become joint property if both parties have contributed financially to it have you a will leaving him the house or anything if yes get it changed , as you own the house i beleive you can give him written notice to leave and then change the locks once he is out and do not let him back in for any reason but first see a solicitor ,

I'm in a similar situation but in a joint tenant council house and not enough money to rent private plus I love my house you have the chance to change things go for it I'm sure you won't have a moment of regret go through the courts and get him out.. Good luck

Fight for your house, it took me 2 years but I got it.
I was your age too and now have a good man in my life who thinks the world of me. Things will get better, eventually Good luck

He has no legal right to be there. The house is in your name. Packs his things, call a locksmith and change the locks.

Any problems call the police. Get help from women's aid. His behaviour is abusive. Abuse is not just physical. Its emotional, mental and much more

Your in the fortunate position of the house being in your name

www.womensaid.org.uk/

We are not lawyers.

Making statements like "get half the money, change the locks, house is in your name, pack his things, etc" can backfire very easily

You must see a solicitor and get some advice. You still have the rest of your life to live and you dont want or need to be stuck in this relationship that is going nowhere. You need to put your children and grandchildren first . His attitude towards them is horrendous especially the grandchildren. Please dont plod on anymore. Enjoy you family.
Good luck to you. xx

We are not lawyers. Making statements like "get half the money, change the locks, house is in your name, pack his things, etc" can backfire very easily

I agree with Hithere's comment above. Be very careful and do nothing until you have seen a solicitor.

Keffie12 Fri 24-Jul-20 18:37:01
He has no legal right to be there. The house is in your name. Packs his things, call a locksmith and change the locks.

if they are legally married, this is incorrect. it is the marital home, so he does have a right to be there. she cannot treat him like an unmarried partner or a lodger if he is spouse.
another reason to seek urgent legal advice.
Op, i don;t think you should tell him anything of what you intend until you have taken advice.
also contact womens' aid, and ring police 101 for advice re emotional abuse, coercive control, and in case he turns nasty.

Ah Cookooz I have a friend out here in Spain who basically prioritised her partner over her own needs. She bankrolled him for 17 years before waking up ‘to smell the coffee’. She looks back now & says why didn’t she give her head a wobble? She didn’t want to be lonely. So she paid, as she said, a high price for companionship. She admitted a friend said ‘oh P.... he’s just a poor man’s gigolo’. It hurt at the time but looking back, she says the friend was right. So sad.

re the above sad story, sometimes a blunt phrase is apposite.
as MN would say, a cocklodger.

I hope you stay strong and leave this pathetic excuse of a human being.

What he has said is unforgivable.

You will be happier away form such a poisonous person.
Once away from him you will find happiness with others. he has no doubt kept family and friends away.....and be honest with your children.

Be careful about changing the locks. Get legal advice first. I was told if I changed the locks I could be done for desertion as I would be stopping him getting access to his property. I would also advise you to make sure to get your personal documents such as birth certificate, passport etc out of the house. My friend did not do this and her soon to be ex husband destroyed them which made life difficult. I would also make sure you get the marriage certificate and give it to the solicitor as this helps make the initial process a bit quicker.

Some really good advice already, don't trust him to be fair for a moment, but get sound advice ASAP.

You have had some sound advice.
Transfer your money, don’t feel that you have to explain, just do it.
Don’t make offers to him for example, the car etc.
He does sound nasty and controlling, so beware! Get to a solicitor ASAP, just do it and don’t tell him.
It is a very tricky time for a woman once she initiates divorce proceedings, so keep your wits about you.
It’s awful when they won’t leave, you feel powerless, I wouldn’t change the locks, and my solicitor advised not to leave the family home, unless your safety is threatened, then phone the police.
Be true to yourself and stick to your guns.
Do keep in touch if you can. Take care.xx

I'm sorry that things have come to this, life must be awful for you both. I can't advise on the legal front, but I think (and I don't know if it would make a difference), your husband at 73, would be considered a 'vulnerable adult', by virtue of his age.

I think as others have suggested that you need legal advice, but in the meantime, perhaps you could pad the steel poles sticking out of the sleepers, and pop on a flag / ribbon or similar so that children can see them.

Well done Cuckooz for coming to a decision. Brave choice. You are very young still and have years ahead of you to be happy and do your own thing and be happy with your family.

Well done Cuckooz you've made the decision and that's the hardest part. We are all here if you need support and encouragement as you deal with both the practical and emotional issues which will need sorting. Sending a big hug and my very best wishes for a much happier life when you are free of your husband's unkindness and negativity. He'll probably tell you that you can't do it for a thousand reasons - don't believe him...you can!! I know, I've done it! xx

1. You are in an abusive relationship.
2. If the house is in your name you have every right to turn him out. He would be able to claim some of the equity if it’s owned by you / due to the fact you are married .
3. You maybe able to get an order to get him out / get legal advice / you sound like you maybe in danger .
Don’t delay - you only have one life. He is toxic and can’t be allowed to infect anymore of your life . Good luck ?

Whilst I totally agree that OP should start a new life for herself I really don't think she would be allowed to lock her husband of 30 years out on the streets.
I wonder what would be said if this was a 63 year old man locking his 73year old wife out of the Marital home because the house was in his name only?

See Cuckooz yesterday (Friday) at 07.04 !!

cucooz how sad, I feel dearly for you putting up with this sort of behaviour from the man you’ve loved for many years why don’t you stay with your family a week or a fortnight at a time they can then organise beautiful family gatherings especially for you and like the other gnetters have said seek legal advice ASAP

I reached out to Gransnet with a similar problem and was very glad I did. I felt less alone. I know just how you must be feeling. It’s truly horrible. One of the worst things is knowing how much better things could be if the other person were willing to change their behaviour just a bit and try to be less selfish and controlling. You end up realising that your feelings just don’t matter and that he just doesn’t care about what your life is like. You don’t deserve this.

I thank all of you for your compassion and sound advice. It means a lot to me ?

I am staying with my daughter for a few weeks and once I go back home I will start making plans to go our separate ways. Having done all this with my first husband I know I’m not in for an easy time but with the support of my AC I know I’ll get through it. I’m going to try my hardest to stay positive even though I know things will get tough along the way. At least I’ll have peace of mind and won’t be walking on glass every time a family visit is on the horizon.
Once again gransnetters, thank you so much ?