What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

Please find out the likely position on divorce/separation from a qualified solicitor specialising in family law, before you make a decision. I had a late divorce and neither party is likely to have the same standard of living post divorce. Freedom costs money but it sounds like it will be a price worth paying. It was for me but it didn't come cheap but I have come out the other side a happier person, albeit initially lonely, - at times I actually miss my husband when I remember the good years.

His unreasonable behaviour is definately grounds for divorce. But realistically you can not expect him to simply go, especially if he has nowhere to go to. However make an appointment with a matrimonial specialist solicitor straightaway. An initial appointment will not be very expensive but this will clarify your position financially and legally. Do this BEFORE you tell you husband what you want to do, divorce-wise.

Once legal advice is taken and you have decided what you want to do, you may need to see see a financial advisor. Then you will need to inform him and consider whether he is willing to undergo counselling which he may or may not agree to once he realises everything he has is on the line.
Also make sure you find out your husbands financial position including pension rights as both capital and income will be taken into account when the financial settlement is agreed. Ideally you need this information gathered together before you see a solicitor. The house being in your sole name means very little when you are married after a long marriage, and the property is the matrimonial home.
Sometimes you can trade the right to retain the house if you do not claim any of your husbands private pension income if he has one but that is only viable if he can afford somewhere else to live. But you will need a retirement income as well, so a trade off may not be in your long term interests as you are still young and can not access get a state pension for a few years . Do you have an occupational pension or a job or other income available live on, taking into account the likely settlement?

At 73 he is not going to change unless he wants to, but he is going to require somewhere to live, and probably receive 50% share of assets in order to buy an alternative property and to have an income.

Otherwise you stay put, unhappily, and wait for nature to take its course in terms of survivorship, and spend more time visiting your family rather than inviting them to yours.

I really hope you can find a way out of your predicament.

I was with my late partner for 30 years, my sons were teenagers when we first met. My sons lived with my ex husband but when they visited my partner made it clear that he did not like them very much. My grandson used to come and stay when he was younger but my partner ignored him so I can understand the strain you felt when your family visited. I used to take my grandson out and then try desperately to get them talking but it never happened. When my grand daughter was born and my son was bringing her to visit my partner refused not to smoke when she came, in fact he went out all day and I felt so uncomfortable and made up a story that his sister was ill and he gone to see her. Eventually my grand daughter became the apple of his eye but he continued to dislike my grandson. He left money in his will to my grand daughter but nothing to my grandson. I am on my own now and can see them all when I want to.

I know its a long shot but have you asked him what is wrong with him? Jealousy is one thing. Living in the house must be hell on earth for you. Speak to a solicitor now and get advice and help as its obvious he won't move unless he is helped to move, as he has lived in family home you may find he has some claim. Good luck and stay safe. Is there a neighbour who could help with spikes? Xxxx

Good advice from GN’s. Get legal advice , move money, prepare for his exit, make sure you’re safe. Go visit your family have fun . When you know where you stand legally and know your rights start packing his stuff. I personally wouldn’t talk to him either. I quietly prepared for three months when I left my first horrible husband so he could get used to the idea and one day he said what’s happening and I just very quietly said it’s over. We’re done. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no not anymore ( I’d been a real let’s talk person)

P>S I would get someone in to cut the metal rods and make the garden safe for grandchildren. Don't facilitate his behaviour, and his ability to upset you, by not taking steps to address the issues you can tackle yourself.

If the house is in your sole name when he's out pack his bags & change all the locks.
Get legal advice too...I would transfer 50% of your joint account into your account and dont let him have accrss to the car.
You dont need a man like that in yoyr life and your AC will support you in your decision

So sorry
Hope this may help;
1. Get a lodger. This will help protect you in case he turns even nastier, and
2. If you do decide to transfer your money to a new account, make sure he cannot access your phone or computer - change the
Passwords.
Best wishes.

I haven't got anything to say that has already been said or advised but I do have to say what a nasty piece of work he sounds. Just like my Father.

Pack his belongings and get the police to eject him and change the locks and have nothing else to do with him .. he’s a purely nasty selfish man...

Get legal advice as soon as possible he won't change its not too late for you like you my heart breaks when I look back at what my ex put our children through two who I brought to the marriage and one who we had together please be strong it's too late for your AC but think of your GC and how it is still possible to have a peaceful and loving family life for yourself and how wonderful it will be to welcome them into your home when he isn't there he sounds like a cruel and selfish man so probably won't make it easy for you to move on without him but one day at a time and let your AC know what's happening so they can support you

Why stay with such a horrible man? Get some legal advice as soon as you can, life can be so much better.

Shazmo, Sole ownership means nothing in England,marriage changes all of that,he can't legally be locked out of his home.
I think there has been a recent change in Divorce Reasons in England which mean you no longer need to cite Unreasonable behaviour and Break Down of Marriage is sufficient ?
As I said previously Wikivorce is very helpful to go to for advice,costs nothing,and gives support and Professional advice too.

This man is something of a monster with no regard for anyone other than himself. Whatever action you take, changing the locks, refusing to cook for him, etc., be prepared for things to get even worse once you do. Clearly, you need to consult a solicitor as soon as possible but do enlist the help of your children as you will need their support with any action you take. Don't allow any feelings of sympathy or sense of loyalty or duty toward this man seep into your decision and prevent you making changes. He has completely forfeited the right to any such feelings you may still hold for him. If you don't make the break, and show him the door, you may well be looking at many more years of misery ahead. It won't be an easy decision, but if you are strong there will be a time in the future when you will look back and heave a huge sigh of relief to have 'unloaded' this pretty horrible individual. That'll be the time you take those positive steps into your future. I hope it's a happier one for you.

Lots of good advice on here.
I will say you are only 63, there are years of happiness ahead for you, your children and grandchildren.
Freedom lies ahead. Be strong.

Honest opinion , get yourself to a solicitor get advice and give him notice . I'd change the locks . Your still young enough to have a new life. It's never too late . All the very best

Can you get someone else to make your garden safe. Don't rely on the moody sod! Tell him to give you some space to host your family on your house. He could eff off for the day or week, the longer the better.. Then change the Locks.

Big mistake putting a man before your children. Any man that expects you to is not worth knowing and why have you given him so many years of your life ? That is much, much more than he deserves. To be so awful to and towards your grandchildren is unbelievable. Having had a truly lovely husband I just cannot imagine what life must be like with a nasty, vicious and unpleasant man or why you would ever have wanted to be with him, whilst making your children and now I expect your grandchildren unhappy. I could never have done that.

Pippa22

Big mistake putting a man before your children. Any man that expects you to is not worth knowing and why have you given him so many years of your life ? That is much, much more than he deserves. To be so awful to and towards your grandchildren is unbelievable. Having had a truly lovely husband I just cannot imagine what life must be like with a nasty, vicious and unpleasant man or why you would ever have wanted to be with him, whilst making your children and now I expect your grandchildren unhappy. I could never have done that.

Pippa22 the OP wants advice not judgement.

Get a workman in to see to the dangers in the garden, get the locks changed and pack his bags. I too am surprised that your children want to visit this horrible man. You are a saint for putting up with his selfish ways Cuckooz. It’s time for you to have some sort of a life with him not featuring anywhere in it. If the house is yours then get help and physically evict him. Good luck. You deserve some sort of happiness with your children and grandchildren.

oh Cuckooz don't delay - get legal advice, make sure that you secure your half share of any money in the bank account in a new account...and please don't waste any more of yours of your family's precious lives on this awful man. Do not leave your home unless your solicitor advises you to do so, as long as you are safe.

Your husband does not deserve you or your children and grandchildren - he has to go - and it may take legal action to enforce that. Goodness knows you must surely have enough cause given his unforgiveable attitude and behaviour.

Keep your children in the picture as you take action and don't let your husband frighten/blackmail you into capitulating. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your family without his nasty, unkind and unloving personality in yout life.

I admire your tolerance and the courage to have put up with such a self opinionated individual for so long.
You need professional advice if, either continuing to live with or leave as you cannot or should not have to put up with what appears to me as having been nothing short of a living hell.

He sounds vile, sorry you have put with him for so long, stay strong

I agree you need legal advice.

You cannot really expect your husband to take it seriously that you have asked him to pack up and leave if you have never before complained about his behaviour or hinted that you might want a divorce.

However, that said, do go ahead with your plans for divorce, but sort out the legal position.

Cancel the visit from you family, go to them instead in a week or so, once you know where you are legally.

If by forgiving, you mean continuing to live with this man, then no, I don't think I could accept his attitude, but if you meant leaving him and trying to forgive his behaviour, yes I would try to do so, as holding on to a grudge or justifiable hurt feelings is only going to hurt you.

You deserve better!
You've tried hard to understand and placate him and he is acting like a spoilt child!
I havnt read all of the replies and you may have already explained more, but I wonder what else in your life, he controls
What are the next 20 years going to be like.

Set him
And yourself free and enjoy your life
Good luck xxxx

When your AC visit and this nasty piece of work is hopefully out of the way I hope you have the courage to tell them all your worries and that you've asked/told him to leave. Is it possible that they could stay with you for longer than just a few days? Safety in numbers? If he felt outnumbered he might be more likely to co-operate.
I agree with others - get half the money out of the account and seek legal advice. Why give him any money or the car? He doesn't deserve such help. Good luck OP.