Devastated for Son

I hope it works out well for your son ExD, but will cause a lot of sleepless nights I'm sure.

Chewbacca's posts are correct ExD everything goes into the pot to begin with and then it's worked out from there. If your d.i.l. has a private pension that will also be taken into account.

Your son needs legal advise asap. It could be the case when everything is looked into thoroughly that the matrimonial home would need to be sold or if your d.i.l. wants to keep hold of it, she may have to buy your son out of his share.

Accepting the house which is mortgage free and then saying she wants half his business, half his private and half of his state pension which she's not entitled too, sounds very unreasonable.

Agree with all the points already raised about getting a good/recommended solicitor experienced in matrimonial law.
.Have been through a fairly similar situation and got the T shirt. Now, twenty years on, have reasonably good relationship with ex. With hindsight, could have been better sooner if mediation had been available and/or counselling/Relate. Not to patch up the marriage. Rather, to come to a better understanding of each other's point of view - and to be encouraged and supported (by a professional who has no axe to grind) to treat each other fairly during what will be a complex and difficult process.
Try not to get bitter, if at all possible. That will only hurt you.

Finding a good solicitor is not straightforward if you have no friends or family with direct positive experience.
Start by looking at websites for solicitors' firms who specialize in family law. Then ring a few as you will often get a real "feel" for the firm from that first call.
If you can afford to do it, have an initial interview with at least two different solicitors in different firms, giving them exactly the same information. Most will offer a discounted first appointment and you will know from that interview whether you have found someone who appears to know what they're doing and who talks to you as you would want.
Provided it is not a quick free appointment, you should expect from that interview comprehensive advice about likely outcomes and costs, next steps and how to keep things as non-confrontational as possible. You never stop being parents whatever the age of your children and coming out of the process at least on civil terms helps the pain.
Paying for advice from at least two solicitors at this stage is money very well spent when you consider the costs you are going to incur. Changing solicitors later on can have all sorts of tactical and costs implications so you need to get the right one from the start.

I realise this will sound unsympathetic, but what she is asking for is what she is legally entitled to. Half of the joint assets is the starting point.

In fact, she could be taking a financial hit by taking half of a struggling business (is that what is mortgaged since you say the house is mortgage-free?) and half the house and half his pension - rather than a mortgage-free house which sounds as if it will be very sellable.

And as for "She's never had a job" they had four children. Her being a SAHM is what allowed your son to work. It was a joint enterprise. Don't look down your nose at her work in that enterprise being unpaid. (You may not be doing that, but your words are open to that interpretation.)

"I can see he probably did neglect her needs, and he didn't help in the house enough and like a lot of men thought providing money was showing his love so she missed out on companionship."
And she's had 34 years of that. 34 years of giving emotional support and getting none.

I'm sorry to sound so hard-hearted, he is your son and you love him - but this is a self-inflicted wound he's now suffering, one that he's had 34 years to avoid, 34 years to put right.

I cannot stress this enough - GET A GOOD SOLICITOR! Your son and his wife need to understand that division of assets when there are no children to maintain needs to be fair and equitable and clean break (that means his wife takes 50% of debts as well as assets!) - your son won't see the wood for the trees at the moment which is exactly why he needs someone knowledgeable to protect his interests - he probably doesn't care now (he's grieving for a dead marriage) but he will eventually and he'll need the finances to move forward. Good luck to him - I hope he finds future happiness

When I got divorced I was recommended a solicitor by my daughter's friend's parents who had divorced a few years earlier. Both recommended her, the one who instructed her as well as the one who lost out as a result! I was lucky that, after delaying things for a few years preventing me from getting the divorce when I wanted it, my ex eventually decided he wanted a divorce. At that point I was able to negotiate a good deal as he was moving abroad to work. I would have done much worse if I'd forced the divorce earlier as solicitors costs would have been higher as he wanted to slow things. If an agreement can be reached without too much animosity the solicitors fees will be much lower. Advice about probable entitlement should be sought so that a reasonable offer can be made. This will save a lot of costs if both parties can be reasonable.

If the businesses have been badly affected by Covid19 I'm sure that will be taken into account, and if the house is mortgage free she can't expect to keep it and still get half of everything else too!

It is definitely worth paying a solicitor For an consultation. I paid £100 For one hours worth and went in with all our assets listed in a spreadsheet including my pension etc. The advice I got was very sound Including whether my potential grounds were reasonable and also The discussion and potential actions were put in writing afterwards. Because Lockdown is such a strange situation I have not made any decisions as yet but am very glad I took advice. I have been married for 33 years!

Never tell anyone can they have blah, blah.
You get a divorce lawyer and they will divide up the assets.

To find a good solicitor ask around. It's what I did. Mines not cheap but he's good and can be ruthless if needed. I've been married longer than your son and my stbxh told me I was getting nothing! I think his solicitor put him straight on that as he now realises that although I may not have earned as much as him the housekeeping, laundry, childcare etc counted as well as my salary. Your son needs to toughen up and make sure he gets his fair share as well and not be too hasty in offering the house, which could be offset against the businesses if he wants to keep those.

When he finds a solicitor he needs to go in with all the facts and financial figures, bank accounts etc. He needs to avoid using the solicitor as a counsellor at £200 + an hour that is not their job and can rack up the bill. It would be understandable that he will want to talk about his situation but better he does that with you or friends. Hugs to all of you

He needs a solicitor and time, rashly offering things when emotionally devastated may be regretted later. Hopefully he has at least one good friend too.

Jeez @Jinty44 how judgemental - the d-i-l has hardly been a SAHM for 34 years if there are no children at home (and haven't been for a while if they are all married with family) - she could have easily got a job once the children were old enough (many many do!) and still could now.

He shouldn't agree to anything with her until he has taken legal advice, it could be a financial minefield.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this dreadful time. It's been a long time since my divorce but this is my experience. I went with my BiL to a solicitor that he really recommended to me but I could tell fairly quickly that he wasn't going to be able to get his head round my complicated situation. I then went to a second solicitor who was fantastic. At the time the first 30 min interview was free.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Its become a whole new ballgame these days, 20 yrs, even 15 yrs ago, the judges seemingly 'forgot' about pensions, and never even bothered in my case about giving a monetary award for myself, and even in regard to my now 21yr old) son.No mention made of any pensions at all.(15 yrs ago,same but a very small maintenance allowance for son only.Still no pensions mentioned) How times have changed.its no wonder some more mercenary other halves just want to jump ship and take all they can..As for ExD's son- wouldnt the wife only be able to include any private pension?i doubt a 'state' pension would be taken in account would it? ??isnt that just individual to each person, decided upon by gov't when you actually retire? In any case they would take her pensions (if any) into account too, so its not all based just on what he has to give- covid19 has changed a lot of things, so i would imagine its same in law now too, i think they would see a reflection of how its affected his earnings, & takings in the business and will take that into account now too- a lot of businesses were doing well last year, but have now even closed down.I doubt they'd assume all 3 were still flourishing just on the face of it.He needs a lawyer who deals in family AND property law and Pronto.

If couples counselling is off the table, he needs legal advice NOW.
Unfortunately, he needs to crawl out of the slough of despond that he is in, and take action.
If necessary, go with him to any appointments.....
Sad as it is, he's a grown man, and must get it sorted ASAP.

Because he’s hurt and upset he can very easily make a bad decision. I signed house over to my ex as I was upset hurt shocked etc and to this day I regret it, my solicitor didn’t agree with my decision and signed a document saying she’d advised against it as I wasn’t thinking straight. She was right. There is life after divorce but he probably can’t see that, as all he sees when he looks at his future is starting all over again which is scary at his age. Just guide him gently in right direction.

In my divorce 16 years ago the financial starting point was to add up all assets ( house, savings, cars, caravan, both private pension pots) and deduct all debts ( mortgage, loans etc). Then our earnings were looked at but disregarded in our case as although I worked part time ( three children aged 11 to 16) and he was a very high earner, I did earn enough for my needs taking into account the child maintenance he was prepared to pay.

Our solicitors were then able to agree a split that worked for both of us. His huge pension pot was taken into account to make up for the 8 years I did not work and my part time salary, I actually got 20% of the pot to start a Stakeholder pension of my own. As I recall, there was a new pension act in 2014 to allow a pension pot split so people could have a clean break rather then be dependent on a share of a future pension.

You do not need to go to court which can be very expensive if you can agree terms ( we used solicitors as comminucation between us was difficult) but kept costs low. I trick I used was to email my solicitor with questions rather than phone or meet face to face too often as the charges for her time or formal letters was very high. It helped me to write things down in a notebook then email with several points.

But for now, it's emotional support he needs from you, try not to take sides whatever your feelings about your DIL but just allow him time to grieve and let him talk when he is ready. At his age and after such a long marriage, it will take him a while to get into the right frame of mind to look at the different possibilities.

I am so sorry for you. It’s so hard seeing our children suffer whatever age they are. He will get through it but it just takes time. You being there to offer your love and support will help I’m sure. Some good advice on other posts for good legal advice so I hope he finds someone suitable. Take care xx

I can't believe there are people on here that think a woman shouldn't have half of their husband's pension in divorce. In a lot of cases and this one it seems, the husband has been enabled to work and pay into a pension, including SERPS, by the wife being a SAHM therefore not having the luxury of paying into a pension herself. As many have pointed out all the assets will be taken into account.
Obviously OP this probably won't be any consolation to your DS who sounds broken hearted. All the best to you all.

Be careful what solicitor you use, I chose one and thought I didn't do too badly. however she was sacked shortly afterwards I heard as her work wasn't up to scratch, and I must admit I expected more. My ex husband picked the nastiest one available and he got off lightly. Wish I had hired him.

You’ve only got his side of the story. There must be a reason for the break up after that length of time.

This is between your son, dil and their lawyers.

You clearly do not approve of your dil and you dont like her.
You imply she demands too much, she never worked and she is unreasonable

They have been married for almost 40 years.
If she wasn't taking care of the kids and of the home, he wouldn't have been able to work on the businesses.
So she does a legitimate claim.
She also worked there as needed.

You also admit your son hasn't been the best husband as he was neglecting his needs.

Please take a step back and let them handle it.
Your son is 60, he is old enough to look for his own lawyer.

How many posts we have seen here of 60 or 70 ish year old posters who want to divorce their husbands after years of neglect?

Your dil could be one of them