Have you told your child how much they hurt you, and does it help?

I have friends who have far more contact and input with their grandchildren than I do, mainly due to geography. They quite often say it's too much.
It's hard to strike that balance to suit everyone.

I know just how you feel. Not quite the same situation as you. But I felt my eldest sons soon to be in laws, especially mother in law, we’re more involved in his life. I did speak to him to tell him how much it upset me. He was furious and banned me from his wedding. That was 3 years ago and I haven’t seen him since.
The whole thing was devastating for me. The day of the wedding was awful. I thought I’d never come to terms with it. Looking back I think I needed counselling, because it affected me so much. Sounds dramatic, but it was like a knife through my heart.
If you speak to your daughter about it, she might go on the defensive, and you end up arguing. And if you fall out with her, you will feel even worse.
It’s made me very wary of how I approach my other 2 children.
So tread carefully. ?

Maybe because you are trying to be so magnanimous and non invasive , your daughter may think that you dont want to be more involved. I'm sure, from what you've said you both love each other very much.

Nanastrawberry, please think hard and long before going near a Court. In my experience the children will find it very upsetting, you will be labelled as the horrible granny who upset mummy and daddy by going to a judge. Children often see Courts as places for crime, police etc, and may think their mummy will have to go to jail.
If you are very worried about your grandchildrens welfare, please ring social services. Much better.

No I wouldn’t worry about the in-laws either I bet their a right pain, maybe it’s your sil that asks them to stay. We used to stay in a hotel when visiting much more civilised. I think the idea of staying a bit longer is a good one and maybe helping out with the children taking them out etc. Book an afternoon tea for you and your daughter as a treat, see if you can get chatting, she may open up if you’re away from everyone else. Good luck, these adult children can be hard work ?

We have simmered in the past at things we felt were unfair with our DS and DIL. But quite often our son will moan about her family being over bearing. You have to forge your own relationship with your DGC. You say they're tired with a young family. Are you able to take the children for a while to give them a break and you get time with them? We have our grandsons quite often and we all love it. Try not to dwell xx

Please please dear OP don’t tell her of your jealousy - because I fear that’s what she will think it is!
My father - who I adored but had a somewhat distant relationship with compared to my MIL who was far less formal - once told me what a disappointment I had been to him considering my IQ and unequal lack of ambition plus my general frivolity. He went on (once he’d gathered up steam) to vent about the ‘yoke’ that his children had been all his life, dragging him down and dogging his every step, draining every ounce of his lifeblood until there was nothing left for him.
I was shocked to say the least. Distressed and unable to put right any of his real or imagined wrongs. Nothing he ever said from that moment on could comfort me and I fell in and out of depression for the next 45 years to present.
On the other hand I have only ever expressed love, delight and humour with my only child in the hope that they are never cursed with the ‘black dog’ as I was and so that their self esteem reflects how they positively feel about themselves. I hope I’ve achieved this.
Nothing can be gained by unkind words that can never be taken away.

Neva2banana, your father lacked sufficient frivolity to live life lightly, and unfortunately you took on that heavy burden.
none of it was your fault. just as if he had lacked insulin, and suffered thereby; you can sympathise with his condition, but don't be blighted by it.

OP
Have you thought of going to therapy to deal with the damage of the relationship with the mother?

Maybe because you are trying to be so magnanimous and non invasive , your daughter may think that you dont want to be more involved. I'm sure, from what you've said you both love each other very much

Yes.

Thank you all.
This has really help me through a bad spot.
As someone suggested, I had a look at what I actually wanted and I'm working on that. We spoke last night to make arrangements to meet up.
I've decided to try not to make assumptions about what my dd thinks about her pil, and not to burden her with my feelings on this, especially when I am feeling so emotional.
I will throw away the letter that I wrote at 2am, spilling it all out.
And I do feel in balance and calm again. For me, I have to remember to never act on strong emotions but to give them a week before I do act on them.
All your messages, whatever you said, have been appreciated. And my very best wishes to all of you who are struggling with similar issues. I know social media is often a destructive force, but sometimes it's very helpful.

I so love a happy ending. Yippee! Well done you and thank you for being gracious enough to feedback.?

Thanks for the feedback flopen. Good to hear that you are finding a way through!

Sometimes I honestly believe
The more brazen you are in life the better you are treated. I have always been so careful not to be seen as interfering or putting people out yet I have noticed people who are less bothered just get on with it - and even if they are told in so many words to be more thoughtful and less interfering it goes right over their heads and just shrug their shoulders & get on with it. Maybe next visit you stay over night in their home and maybe be even brazen enough to have your grandchildren spend the night with you! Why not? I mean it’s not every week you will be doing this! Life is too short.