Moving away from family

I am afraid you need to ask yourself: what matters most, your husband and marriage or your children?

You have made a tactical error by visiting your children and grandchildren alone. I don't wonder that your husband feels like a spare part.

Could you move to a quieter area, but still reaonably near your children? And include your husband in visits to them?

If you dont, I frankly don't think your marriage will last much longer.

I don't know who is most at fault here, you for ignoring your husband's complaints, or him for making them, but I do know that it takes two to tango and a successful marriage means sometimes putting your husband first.

grannylaine ?

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Argghhhhhhh.

Yes, quite worrying that this is real and not an episode of The Archers.

It seems the problem is that your husband has never really gotten close to your family. He feels like an outsider. Additionally, his ideas of having a companion in retirement has conflicted with your needs to be close to your family and an involved grandmother. (I take it he has no grandchildren). There needs to be a compromise. Otherwise the marriage will fail.

Greengran78 Morley wasn’t asking for his help on here FGS! He had no right to go snooping to see what she was saying IMHO. And it is my opinion and I am entitled to express it. I do find it disturbing that he felt the need to ‘reply’ to his wife on Gransnet rather than to her face. He wasn’t replying to her, he was trying to show himself in a good light. IMHO....... I see nothing nasty in my reply. Have you read any other comments on Gransnet? If you did, then you might see what being ‘nasty’ (live that word btw) is. Done.

*love! ???????

Libman I too found it disturbing. Absolutely classic example of gaslighting. But oh so plausible...........

"Spend too much time talking to and about, and seeing my family".
Says it all really, so there's your answer, sorry.

It's narcissistic and sociopathic. I have some brothers just like this. It is truly horrible and disturbing. Just asked my husband if he'd do such a thing. No, he says. It's controlling. What sort of person spies on his wife then joins a forum thinking he will persuade others to his viewpoint. But of course, he has managed to do just this with his well written account, flattering us as 'good people'. The techniques are all there in the writing. So easy to be convinced. It's clear his family and wife's family don't like him. I don't like my brothers. They don't care about anyone's feelings but their own. They scare me and I avoid them.

Libman 100% agree. Husband is trying to justify himself and if I were morley I would be feeling so humiliated right now. His reply brings to mind something my ex husband did years ago and it makes me feel quite nauseous. It feels wrong and it feels like controlling behaviour to me. I'm sorry if other posters disagree with that but that's my gut feeling. I just wonder how Morley feels about this muscling in on the forum she has turned to for help.

Kryptonite sums it up so well.

If it's his first marriage then I take it he has no children of his own so can't understand that bond or family life.

Seeing them once a week or fortnight is not excessive but perhaps you could both have forged a social life together in the new area, or each joined activities there. He sounds as if he hasn't settled at all and it must be quite different living near a big city to living in the countryside.

You can spend more time together as a couple without separating yourself from your family, which sounds quite drastic. Is there any nice countryside a little way from where you live now where you could move to?
I can understand him being unhappy living somewhere he hates so much.

I must admit, that seems to me rather a betrayal that he has bought a house without consulting you., it must be upsetting.

It sounds as if you both need to compromise if you want your marriage to continue.

Chewbacca

I love Gransnet

And I should have rtft!!

Morley58 It looks as though your marriage is reaching its end as the dilemma is insoluble for one of you and then how do you live with that. Your OH moved from a country existence to a concrete jungle to please you but frankly as he has no children of his own, he had no idea of the reality of family life. Seeing your gc once a week is not a lot and frankly he sounds a bit precious. But it's worse than that in his mind as he thinks you're always talking about them and have lost interest in him and if he told you of his unhappiness a year ago and you didn't take steps to talk this through properly then you have lost interest in him. Maybe if you ask him what the ideal life for him would look like you will learn something. If it's all about you and him then you have married each other under false pretences as he knew you were a mum of three with the potential for gc, and you on the other hand knew that he had no experience of family life and would find it hard to leave his country existence and move to a concrete jungle where he feels sidelined because you apparently organise your life around your children and gc. Is this true? Do you go out together at the weekends and other weekdays, do you do things together? If so, then he's simply a selfish man. You have a choice to make.

If this is the way you both communicate there's no hope really, is there!

welbeck

bit of a drip feed there.
i think that house speaks for itself.

Exactly. Who just goes and buys a house, without telling their wife?

It seems to me that your family are your world and you have no other interests, that you visit once a week and then spend the rest of your time planning your next. My husband is also my 2nd and has never been married and never had any children, but we get on just fine. We have our own lives together doing things without my family but on the same score I meet up with my son about once a week or two and have a coffee out and a chat. Sometimes Mr B comes with me, sometimes not. I can see his point of view, not only has he moved to an area he hates but also the rest of your family have taken over. If you moved you could then arrange to go to your family say once a month and stay a few days. Its worth a try if you want your marriage to work.

He bought a house without telling you that does not sound like a good marriage to me , I would have been extremely angry.

By buying a house so far away, without even mentioning it to Morley58, it seems this man is not interested in any kind of compromise.
Obviously there is more to it, as Morley said, but going on the posts they have both made, I'd say Morley would be well shot of him if he moves away.

I suppose we could ask how it's possible that merely didn't notice her husband's activities.
Too busy with her family, perhaps?

Merely morely

Sorry but I think your husband sounds very selfish. Fair enough he moved with you to give it a go and doesn’t like it which is fair enough but surely the right thing to do would be discuss the issues and find a solution , a compromise not secretly buy a house and give you an ultimatum That seems very controlling . I too live a long way from my family and grandchild so understand how hard it is when you miss out on seeing them but he’s making you choose between him and them and I think that’s an awful thing to do and no one should put you in that position . If he wanted to live back in the country he could of found somewhere nearer to where you are and that would of solved the issue , sounds to be like he wants to isolate you, i hope you manage to find a solution, take care.

The fact that he was peering at what Morley was doing online then joined GN to respond to her post would be enough to give me the creeps.

Let him go, let him go

"Having seen my wife looking on Gransnet such a lot, my curiosity was piqued so I did a quick search."

Why would you do that?
Wouldn't it be normal to think that she's talking to other Grans about the grandchildren, rather than to start snooping?
And to feel glad she's talking to Grans online instead of boring her husband (as he sees it)?

I'm definitely not buying the Mr Reasonable image.