Very difficult DIL

My SIL was like that, she's married to hubby's brother who we haven't seen for 12 years but that's another story. When they first met she would refused to visit MIL house and mix with the family. She was more or less obligated to visit one Christmas but made the atmosphere so uncomfortable and she ended up walking out for no reason and walked the street until he found her and took her home. She would ever visit after that.

I had a difficult relationship with my inlaws .My father in law said I went to work for pin money I was in my 20s and in charge of a hospital at night I was so angry .I said I earn more than his son that shit him up Never encouraged his kids into further education .Also got why waste money sends daughter to university as will only get married and stay at home with kids .Shes in a top job now with 2 lovely children house and well paid husband Why were that generation so arrogant Mother in law was denied education and he expected her to run around behind him .The world changed fast but they were stuck in a time warp .My mother ran a business and bought 2houses .Leave your daughter in law alone her mother obviously made her life hell maybe she needs counselling .

I have just re-read the responses to CountessFosco on this forum and am further appalled at how harsh and judgemental they are. How many of you encourage good relationships with your daughter's MiL..? How many mums on Mumsnet fly to the defence of their Mil in preference to the Mum's they purport to support as one responder suggested. This behaviour is totally unacceptable. Would we tolerate such behaviour in any other setting..? But Mil's and stepmum's seem still to be fair game in this enlightened day and age, who are often the unsung heroes of our families. We should hang our heads in shame to collude with and perpetuate this. Sorry Countess Fosco that you didn't find more support and compassion here.

well said eagleswings

I am sorry. My son has been with his girlfriend for eight years now, and I don't know her at all. I haven't met her parents either. I know her birth date, that's about it. I don't have any hopes for ever having any sort of relationship with her.

I agree with Loulelady - if it were you SiL curled up in his room or garden with a newspaper or book this might be seen as being 'OK'. DiL's always get a bad wrap on this site. Perhaps she does have some problems - maybe your son could enlighten you if so, as we often see that mothers of sons seldom hold any responsibility for DiL's bad behaviour with their sons. If it upsets you then surely he could have a 'quiet word in her ear'. I wouldn't let anyone treat my mum like that.

Over the years, I have found that many women who had a bad relationship with their mother found it difficult to make an easy relationship with in- laws family and, especially, mil. Be nice Count Fosco, enjoy your son and GC and be pleasant and welcoming to your Dil. Families are complicated things. Don't push her to be what you want but accept who she is. Your son loves her (I assume) and you love him and GC who you obviously want to continue seeing. The relationship works, in that you do see them and she comes to stay with you. It may not be the relationship you wanted but it is a relationship you have. Life is never perfect. Make the best of what you have.
I hope all goes well.

Virtually everyone has had difficult times to deal with in their lives. They may have terrible parents, ill health, lost a loved one been the victim of crime. This doesn't give us an excuse to be unkind to people. A little kindness and consideration from both sides goes a long way. It also reduces tension which the children pick up on.

Our daughter in law has had a very, shall we say ‘ challenging’ up bringing. So now she wants nothing to do with her parents. We’ve supported her all we can, and encouraged her to see them, but in the end, it’s her choice. Someone up thread said about trying to step into the mother-in-law’s shoes, and parent the daughter in law herself, and was told this was bad advice. It could be in this case, as the daughter in law seems unreceptive. However, in our case, my daughter in law took it upon herself, to substitute her mum for me, and was grateful I think, for the help. One size never fits all though, and I don’t think you should instigate anything. Be there if she needs you, and in the meantime, enjoy your son and grandchildren, which after all, is what many grans seem to lose. I would be grateful she goes upstairs for a while, respite for all of you.

I totally agree with the posters who are shocked at the degree of venom from those criticising the OP. So many posters are ready to jump in at the drop of a hat with their judgemental, one-sided and utterly unhelpful comments. Even if posters do not sympathise with the OP, what would it cost them to moderate their responses and show some fellow feeling? Just being polite would help!

I decided some while back that I would never ask for advice in this forum - too many sad people getting their kicks from putting others down. Shame on you.

Yes this isnt seen as a supportive place anymore

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think it's polite of her to allow you time with your son and grandchildren
Really? I mean really? Since when was it up to a DIL to allow a grown man time with his parents???

I agree with Eagleswing, moorlikeit and others who are appalled at some of the vitriolic comments on here. I’m not shocked as whenever anyone posts anything like this The Mean Girls come out in force. Some obviously have very sad lives and get their kicks from being nasty to others I suppose.

FWIW it is rude and bad mannered to just disappear upstairs for a couple of hours without saying anything.

Oh goodness, this resonates with me. I'd love to write down all that has happened, but there's something tricky about a public declaration in my mind. Once it's online and all that ... So sorry. Totally totally get it.

Bibbity... I’m gathering you’re the DIL ??? Rude rude and damned rude ... god forbid I’m ever cursed with a DIL with as few manners as you obviously have !!!! ?

Oh please all MiL please stop moaning that your DiLs are not just like your daughter/sister/best friend!
When all is said and done, they married your son, not you and quite frankly , if I was a DiL and found out that you had been whingeing about me not only behind my back, but to total strangers on a forum, it would make me even less inclined to turn into the person I am expected to be !

Honest curious question: for those who say mil is in the right , how would you ideally like dil to behave/do?

My DIl just the same she’s Japanese but it’s not the culture difference as when I have been in Tokyo she’s extremely friendly with Brit expats. I have bent over backwards to be nice but it’s not reciprocated. My DS face times with my 2 little grandsons 9 n 4 and like you she never comes on to speak. I lost my father to the virus in April but she never said a word or asked how my elderly mother was. No birthday card no Christmas card really sad. This last couple of years have been difficult for us my husband has been shielding due to a compromised immune system. Both of us had to have operations last year but she never said a word. I have gone out there with gifts n have welcomed her into our home each time they have visited the uk. Like your DH he said the same just leave it. I have stepped off the gas now nothing will change. I guess some people are just cold. Just enjoy speaking with your grandchildren and your DS.

I would like her to behave in the same considerate way when staying at her in laws as she would as if staying with friends; ie if she wants a bit of time to herself she should something like " I'm just going to have a lie down for a bit" rather than just disappearing. If dils husband and children are skyping she could just say a quick hello. She doesn't need to join in the whole Skype session but a friendly hello and wave would be good. Not just because she is a dil. I would hope for the same consideration from a sil too. In other words, basic good manners.

Sorry, my last post is to Hithere

CountessFosco it's best to accept people for who they are.

There is no obligation whatsoever for a daughter-in-law to behave like a close family member or meet your expectations.

If you criticise or push things, you'll just drive her further away.

Thanks for your reply anna7

Not everyone is a chatty social animal. Lots like to have their own place and some "me"" time even when included in groups. It's your son who is married to this person and as long as he gets along fine with her you just need to accept her for what she is and does.

Its recognised in psychology that if we have had a toxic relationship with our parents/caregivers we will have difficulties with projecting those feelings onto others throughout our lives unless we deal with it.Ive found that you cannot play the 'therapist' in family dynamics,they have to deal with it another way,therapy/reading etc or some outside advice.

Who do you think holds the power here over the son and children? The wife and mother or the mother and grandmother? It’s obvious which is why it is civil for the DIL to show respect and politeness tot the mother of her husband. I have had a toxic MIL and a toxic DIL and can assure you the latter is far worse. The former I did my best with and took the blows always feeling a bit sorry for her the second the DIL there is nothing I can do. She avoids she sulks she withdraws and withholds her children from me and I take it that son wants quiet life. She had a pampered only child upbringing and is a daddy’s girl. She sees other women as a threat to her dominion. It is very sad for everyone. So big hugs OP let’s hope she’ll soften with age.