Very difficult DIL

If you have grandsons, then their mother is setting the precedence of how to behave with mothers in laws so she could reap what she sows in future years. Politeness for a few hours here and there costs nothing and I thinks she is disrespectful of her husband's family unless there is a good reason for it which hasn't been revealed.

Would you rather she sits there grumpily, speaking in monosyllables and giving you the side-eye, and probably sticking out her tongue at you when you are not looking... or would you rather she is out of the way, and you can enjoy the girls, until she feels up to joining you all again. Rhetorical question - hence no "?".

@Tanjamaltija If my son had chosen to marry and have children with a someone who sits there grumpily, speaks in mono syllables and gives the side eye when they are a guest in someone elses home I would be most disappointed in his lack of good taste that he would choose to live with such a rude embarrassing person.

Countess Fosco, it's not your task to make your daughter in law love you or your company. It's your task to be a good mother in law to her.

Blimey! Just been reading through some comments - some of which are quite harsh! I don’t particularly ‘get on’ with my DIL And not for the want of trying! I gave up trying years ago and now I am much happier . Got fed up walking on eggshells and it was using too much of my energy, so I took a leaf out of her book. I see my grandchildren and son when I can and it suits us both fine. If we have no choice but to be in same room then we are very civil to one another - we tolerate one another but sadly we will never be best mates- not her fault and not my fault - it happens. Shame but that’s life - same as some siblings not seeing eye to eye or parents not seeing eye to eye with their child. You just make the most of what you got!

I don’t understand why a lot of you have been so unkind to Countess Fosco. The Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be a tricky and hurtful one. Even when a mother-in-law is doing her very best.

Bibbity ...sorry, but that's a really horrible way of looking at it. I read it that the DIL was a guest in the house of the person that wrote the original post above, not vice versa, as you suggest she needed some kind of "escape" from everyone. I would see her behaviour as a tad rude, too, had she been in my house as a guest. Different if she had said with a friendly smile that she was just popping upstairs as she was tired for a lie down, etc., but to just disappear for hours without explanation is not very kind behaviour. There are ways of doing things, and that isn't it. I always find it a bit strange on here that respondents always seem to find excuses for others' bad behaviour, which sort of suggests the poster is making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill.

For some reason the daughter in law lacks social skills. She will not learn those from someone scolding her behaviour is rude. More likely to learn social skills from someone teasing her , making light of her behaviour.

It's your task to be a good mother in law to her

Alexa - why is that? Why in your reasoning is that so? It isn’t a task and if it is, the DIL should be making sure it’s her task to be a good DIL! Sounds like the OP has tried to be welcoming and kind but the DIL is rude. If DS is skyping the OP on her birthday and DIL is there, it is rude of her not to, at least, just shout from the other room and wish her Happy Birthday.

Totally agree with Bibbity.
Leave the girl alone....
We don't get on/like everyone we meet.
You get to see your rellies, she gets to have a bit of peace and quiet. And she might not want to be included in everything either.
Kick back and relax.

CountessFoscoe I hope you did not find my post harsh.
On rereading it, it might come over that way.
My point was simply that families lives are lived very differently. It is rude of your daughter-in-law to just disappear without saying anything but, apart from that, I do not see a problem. You call her difficult but, if that is the way her family acted, then that is what she would expect.
My first husband was one of seven children It took me a long time to enjoy visiting his family. I came from a family of two daughters, my sister nearly ten years younger. I found this house full of children, grandchildren and foster children completely overwhelming. I would love to had somewhere to escape to. However, my mother-in-law realised the problem and was very kind. I got used to it eventually and learned to enjoy visiting.

Tickingbird, I was sort of quoting Epictetus who was a Stoic. The general idea is the other person 's behaviour is their own responsibility .

Rocknroll5me

Who do you think holds the power here over the son and children? The wife and mother or the mother and grandmother? It’s obvious which is why it is civil for the DIL to show respect and politeness tot the mother of her husband. I have had a toxic MIL and a toxic DIL and can assure you the latter is far worse. The former I did my best with and took the blows always feeling a bit sorry for her the second the DIL there is nothing I can do. She avoids she sulks she withdraws and withholds her children from me and I take it that son wants quiet life. She had a pampered only child upbringing and is a daddy’s girl. She sees other women as a threat to her dominion. It is very sad for everyone. So big hugs OP let’s hope she’ll soften with age.

It shouldn’t be about looking at “who holds the power”. As soon as you start to turn it into a power struggle, everyone loses.

Rocknroll5me

Who do you think holds the power here over the son and children? The wife and mother or the mother and grandmother? It’s obvious which is why it is civil for the DIL to show respect and politeness tot the mother of her husband. I have had a toxic MIL and a toxic DIL and can assure you the latter is far worse. The former I did my best with and took the blows always feeling a bit sorry for her the second the DIL there is nothing I can do. She avoids she sulks she withdraws and withholds her children from me and I take it that son wants quiet life. She had a pampered only child upbringing and is a daddy’s girl. She sees other women as a threat to her dominion. It is very sad for everyone. So big hugs OP let’s hope she’ll soften with age.

Also, women shouldn’t hold power over men.

Either the wife OR the mother.

That’s just an antagonistic attitude to start with

I sympathise. We can bend over backwards to be nice but somehow it just isn’t enough. I can only suggest you carry on being kind and thoughtful. There is nothing more you can do. I hope things improve x

Some rather harsh comments here! Please be kind to people who are just asking for help.
My DIL is similar but is a wonderful mother and wife to my son. As long as that stays the same I am happy. I realise when we stay over she loves to chill out for an hour and I don't blame her.

Replying to Hithere, I agree with anna7. Sounds like kindness and consideration would go a long way in many of the situations mentioned above. It is shocking to see just how many MiLs receive this kind of treatment from DiL and worse. Often from entitled young women who might think they have all the power. To that I would say, rise up grandparents and challenge the law on access to grandchildren when a marriage breaks up or the Dil is vengeful enough to keep grandparents from their grandchildren. This is cruel and should not be tolerated in our modern societies. Grandchildren need all sets of grandparents to thrive, plus other family members. Although this has not happened to me, I feel the pain of those living through it. It makes me angry and appalled that this is happening to so many. I really do think grandparents need recourse to the law to be able to easily apply for access to their grandchildren when this happens. Eventually those kids will only feel resentment toward their mothers and (weak?) father's for allowing it. I so feel for the poor grandmother seeing her grandchild in the street and not being able to approach him. Maybe we should start a movement that strengthens the law so that these heart breaking events don't keep occurring.

agree with Anna 7. respect costs nothing. no excuse to be rude and ignorant.

eagleswings

Replying to Hithere, I agree with anna7. Sounds like kindness and consideration would go a long way in many of the situations mentioned above. It is shocking to see just how many MiLs receive this kind of treatment from DiL and worse. Often from entitled young women who might think they have all the power. To that I would say, rise up grandparents and challenge the law on access to grandchildren when a marriage breaks up or the Dil is vengeful enough to keep grandparents from their grandchildren. This is cruel and should not be tolerated in our modern societies. Grandchildren need all sets of grandparents to thrive, plus other family members. Although this has not happened to me, I feel the pain of those living through it. It makes me angry and appalled that this is happening to so many. I really do think grandparents need recourse to the law to be able to easily apply for access to their grandchildren when this happens. Eventually those kids will only feel resentment toward their mothers and (weak?) father's for allowing it. I so feel for the poor grandmother seeing her grandchild in the street and not being able to approach him. Maybe we should start a movement that strengthens the law so that these heart breaking events don't keep occurring.

So, DILs are entitled and vengeful, and power tripping, and you think going to court yo challenge laws and get power over them is the way to go?

Irony at its best.

I think i’d be inclined to let it go. I think maybe your DIL does need some time to herself when the weekly Skype takes place - although I think it rather remiss of her not to say hello to you on your birthday. This reminds me of my SIL, but then again I think men (don’t like to generalise, although I am doing!) can be a bit like that. I wouldn’t necessarily say that she has a problem with the older generation. I think if you were to say anything, it might cause upset. I personally would keep quiet as I know from the past that if this sort of thing is voiced, it causes hurt all round and doesn’t necessarily solve the “problem” and can lead to resentment and/or a sense of obligation.

Huitson1958 Don’t worry. I am more than happily married.
I do have a mother in law. One from hell actually and thankfully she hasn’t been seen in 3 years

She is difficult.
The OPs title and her post do not correlate.

That says more about the poster than yah DIL.

Countess you could be describing one of my DILs who does exactly the same thing. We have a good relationship and get along very well. I simply accept that that is how she is, it doesn't annoy or offend me. She just likes to choose when she will socialise with other people even if she is visiting them. She mentioned a few weeks ago that she quite enjoyed lockdown because the need to socialise with other people had been removed for her.

We are all different. Try to accept your DIL for the person she is not how you expect or wish her to be.

That hit a nerve Summer love..and yes I do think the law needs to be challenged on this and when individuals behave in this way. There is too much heartache around this not to speak up. It has been tolerated too long.

eagleswings my children do not resent me, that's a very sweeping generalisation.

Courts will never give grandparents rights that overrule the resident parents. Not going to happen. In some cases courts may give the children rights to see their grandparent but the grandparent has to prove beyond doubt that is in the child's best interest before it even gets considered for the case to go to court.

This is because fighting over children in court directly or indirectly harms the children.

If you can't have a positive relationship with the parents, proving you have one with the children is very difficult.

This is hard for grandparents who have lost contact due to divorce or bereavement or one of the very few things that may have them innocent of blame...

Bugger BUT

The law is as it is to protect children because generally it is abusive grandparents who get cut off.

You would change this?

That's not what is best for children in general.

Should be bigger unfortunate error