Very difficult DIL

Alot of Grans who think they should be the most important person in GC's lives here too ...Eagleswings try to remember that you were a young mum once and would you have wanted your MIL to have "rights" I most certainly wouldn't so I believe PARENTS are the people who should have a say and ONLY parents .I had a FIL from hell

I have just had to admit my daughter does not like me or my husband enough to be part of our family despite our very best efforts. Worse still she had made it difficult for our son to continue our previously close relationship. Also their dear little daughter is one this week and we have not be able to develop a relationship with her, our first grandchild. Following a last attempt to discuss the situation last week our extremely stressed son stormed off and we have after a very upsetting few days had to text him to say we are done. Anyone who knows my husband and I will not believe we could Do this. That’s how painful and disappointing the last 9 years have been. Sometimes you just have to accept it’s not going to work. Be grateful for the relationship you have. It could be so much worse.

My daughter in law and I are both very reserved so we haven’t be close over the fifteen years that they’ve been married . However her poor mum died 3 years ago of breast cancer and I have provided child care ever since which has given us chance for little chats which are helping a lot . Patience is a virtue

I agree that your d.i.l.'s behaviour is disrespectful CountessFosco and I would add ill mannered. As others have posted, instead of 'disappearing' without a word far better to say she's going upstairs for a while for a rest/break/read a book.

A quick 'hello' when you skype, shouldn't be too much to ask. Good manners cost nothing.

It could be a lot worse. You see your son and GC so I would make the most of what you have and accept that you'll never have the relationship with her you'd hoped for.

Sorry should have said daughter in law obvs! That’s how stressed it’s made me.

I see the usual GN snipers are out in force, with some surprising additions! I sympathise with the OP. She came on the site looking for friendly and helpful advice only to be met with harsh and judgmental responses. No wonder she has left! Now I shall retreat to the shadows behind the sofa.

I had no love for my mother but I adored my mil and use to go and stay with her much more than my mum. My mum ran the house on a timetable, you set your watch with but at mil it was much more relaxed and I could just go and lie on m bed and read if I wanted with no hassle. Even after y divorce I still see my mil a great deal and I am always welcomed into family events. In fact my x husband was enraged that I left him and went to stay with his mum for the summer holidays (I was invited) So I think just let her be and have her own time, at least she is relaxed enough in your home to go and do it so take it as a compliment.

Well said Eagleswings .
More compassion please as there are some very harsh comments

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.
I dont know why some posters are so harsh, I would not allow disrespect in my home. It seems some of you do though.

Karen22

Well said Eagleswings .
More compassion please as there are some very harsh comments

Compassion for who?

Everyone? That includes DILs.

eagleswings

That hit a nerve Summer love..and yes I do think the law needs to be challenged on this and when individuals behave in this way. There is too much heartache around this not to speak up. It has been tolerated too long.

Hit a nerve? For me?

I just find it funny that mother-in-law’s shouldn’t be generalised, but it’s perfectly acceptable to do it to daughter-in-law’s.

That someone who complains about the power grabs wants to use the ultimate power grab. If you don’t find that ironic, Then I struggle to see how you would ever manage to take a case to court

Perhaps it's simply a case of unrealistic expectations. There's no reason why you should automatically like or get along with your in-laws.

To be tolerated and allowed a relationship with grandchildren is maybe quite good enough.

My son often visits with the GC, my DIL rarely comes with them - and it means that they won't stay so long.

My other children find her rude and sulky, too. I think that it's just her way. She's shy, not comfortable or happy in extended family situations, that's all.

She's a good and loving wife and mother, though. What could be more important?

Ah so dils are controlling devil women and the sons are the poor weak willed men. Give me strength.
These expectations are never placed on men.

The OP’s complaints are that her DiL doesn’t want to talk to her on Skype, and sometimes goes upstairs for a little lie-down in the afternoon, and some of you think this is ‘disrespectful’??
I’m almost lost for words.
My DiL doesn’t like talking on Skype and I respect her feelings on the matter.
She sometimes likes time to herself when we visit.
I respect that too.
Respect is a two-way street.

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

I think it’s extremely rude and disrespectful. I have two lovely DIL’s who I know would never behave this way. She obviously wasn’t brought up properly. Try not to make an issue of it. Just carry On As if nothing is amiss. She might be waiting for a confrontation to give her an excuse to absent herself

Jane I agree with you about the Skype, but to disappear for up to 2 hours in someones home without telling anyone is rude and entitled and very bad manners.
I dont mind if people come and say they feel tired or need or want to go up to the bedroom for a hour or two, but show manners and tell someone. Also if she feels that way she should not visit, then she will have time for herself.

Am new to gransnet and am surprised at some of the apparently harsh comments relating to this thread. It’s not what I expected from this site.

Chewbacca

^I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like^ you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

However, he did tramp over my new carpet in his dirty shoes and I didn't like to ask him to take them off.

Hi Paddyanne
Yes I do remember being a young Mum with very difficult in-laws, We all know that there are exceptions, but I wouldnt've dreamt of preventing them or their father from seeing the children, however difficult they were. The children loved them and vice versa. They now have lovely relationships with all three of them.

Just another thought - and I apologise if someone else has already suggested it - I wonder whether your DIL finds Skype rather awkward and embarrassing to be on? I am really not keen on Facetime for that reason, but it has been better than nothing, especially during the early days of lockdown. I am a self-conscious person and don’t like to see my own face on the screen!!

rafichagran

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.
I dont know why some posters are so harsh, I would not allow disrespect in my home. It seems some of you do though.

I'm afraid if my MiL had taken your approach, I would have stopped visiting altogether. And you would have also been unwelcome in my home.

MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do. If they try, they can very easily be sidelined.

Callistemon

Chewbacca

I find the daughter in law, disrespectful and rude. She seems moody. She does not have to like you but in your house she should show basic manners or just not visit.

Agreed; basic common good manners from anyone, and everyone, that visits someone's home. Don't care if they're daughters in law, mother's in law or the vicar; when you're a guest in someone else's home, be polite, civil and courteous.

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

However, he did tramp over my new carpet in his dirty shoes and I didn't like to ask him to take them off.

You could have reminded him that cleanliness is next to godliness, Callistemon!

The vicar has never disappeared for a nap in my house.

So you say Callistemon but how do we know for sure?

His wife would have been round here pronto.
Actually, she and I could have had a vino together while he snored upstairs.