Very difficult DIL

Oopsminty one of my my mother's many sayings!

MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do.

So where do you draw the line at rude, bad mannered and discourteous behaviour by a guest in your home Gagajo? Do you just continually turn a blind eye to their rudeness and pretend that you don't mind it, just so that you don't offend them, for fear that you will be sidelined? Aren't good manners, courtesy and being polite reciprocal? Surely, when you visited your MIL you had basic good manners didn't you?

1 to 2 hours of a long weekend visit - not rude

1 to 2 hours of a 3 hour visit - rude

Context makes a huge difference

Chewbacca

^MiLs, like grandparents, cannot dictate what younger family members do.^

So where do you draw the line at rude, bad mannered and discourteous behaviour by a guest in your home Gagajo? Do you just continually turn a blind eye to their rudeness and pretend that you don't mind it, just so that you don't offend them, for fear that you will be sidelined? Aren't good manners, courtesy and being polite reciprocal? Surely, when you visited your MIL you had basic good manners didn't you?

I did initially Chewbacca, but my MiL was a controlling, unpleasant woman. So after I'd been married to her son for a while, I'd avoid her every chance I got. And yes, at times I would just slip away. I once even volunteered to work over the Thanksgiving holiday (American family) to avoid spending it with her.

The only similar situation I've been in was with my daughter's partner. He behaved much as the OP says her DiL behaves and yes, I totally ignored it. Frankly, I preferred it when he avoided me. Less awkward that way. But because I didn't want to alienate my daughter, I tolerated him.

Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home.
I said upthread that you cannot expect people to like you, but you can expect good manners especially in your own home from your DIL.
You say your MIL was controlling, but could it be she just did not put up with your nonsense.

* Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home*

And for a lot of spouses you tell them one is at welcome. Then the entire family isn’t welcome.
Not the son and certainly not the grandchildren. And if they’re not welcome in your home. You can say good but to setting foot in theirs.

Good manners is subjective concept.

The rules are not the same in the 18th, 14th or now.
Even in the same year, manners are different depending on the area you live, religion, upbringing

Judging everybody by your own definition of good manners is flawed, as shown in this thread

It depends on your family dynamic but this wouldn’t bother me.
When my daughter & SIL come to stay he will often “slip off” for a couple of hours & I enjoy the time with just my daughter & grandchildren. I don’t think I would even notice with a Skype/ FaceTime call. I would probably ask how SIL is but wouldn’t expect him to appear in person.
I am rather astounded at comments like “war of attrition” etc & would just enjoy the time /conversations with your son & grandchildren

I try to treat my children-in-law as I do my actual children.
When my children come to stay, I don’t expect them to spend every waking hour with me. I don’t expect them to tell me when they’re going to the toilet, to ask permission to eat a banana, to make a cup of tea or to go for a lie down.

I want them to feel that our home is still their home.

And that applies to DiL and SiLs too.

Skyping every Sunday? - I would find that too much. Staying the weekend too can be very stressful.
How about having the children to stay for a weekend & letting them have a lovely weekend to themses?
Think not what they can do for you but what you can do for them : )

rafichagran

Gaga If you behaved badly in my home you would not be invited back and I certainly would not want to go to your home.
I said upthread that you cannot expect people to like you, but you can expect good manners especially in your own home from your DIL.
You say your MIL was controlling, but could it be she just did not put up with your nonsense.

Telling me my behaviour was nonsense, in a situation you know nothing about, speaks volumes rafichagran. I'd be happy with no visits from or to you as my MiL. No one needs that negativity in their life.

I agree when posters say they would not expect in laws or anyone else for that matter to spend every hour with them when they come to stay, however I would not tolerate moodiness and bad manners in my own home.
I would also not keep quiet just to keep the peace. If they did not want to come after that, so be it.
It seems some posters are so desperate to keep the peace they put up with bad manners and entitled in laws.
I agree about skyping as I only do it every now and then, when other family members instigate it.
One poster called her MIL controlling and unpleasant. I would love to hear it from her POV as there are two sides to every story.
I do not have any problems with my family as they respect me in my home and I respect them in theirs. I live in Greater London and my son lives in the North West, when I have had a long drive I am sometimes tired. I always ask if I can lay down for a hour. No one is offended as I ask.

What a stupid comment Gaga as you can see in my above post I have no problems with my family as boundaries and good manners are observed.
You seem to be the one having the problems, not only with your MIL but your daughters partner as well. I have no such problems, not even with my daughters ex partner.

So first 'nonsense'and now 'stupid' and yet I'm the one with bad manners? I think the lady doth protest too much.

I do not protest to much Gaga in fact I am seeing my daughter and Grandson today. We enjoy each others company
There is no negativity in my relationships with close family, but by your own admission there was/Is with yours.
You said you would not want me as your MIL, so glad to hear that.
I am also in a long term relationship with a man who has 2 sons, both who live abroad, my partner is a West Indian and respect is very important to them. I would welcome his sons with open arms.
My Grandon also refers to my partner as his Step Grandad. I am not perfect and I get things wrong but given how my family is I must be doing something right

I’m surprised by the number of posters who come on to say they’re surprised at the harsh comments......
Where is OP by the way ?

‘Obviously has a problem with older generation’
That’s a sweeping assumption, perhaps it has more to do with the individuals who happen to be ‘older ‘ & whose attitudes are perhaps not as acceptable as they themselves believe them to be.

Lucca The OP said he/she would not be back. It's a shame, but I think the earlier posts caused a bit of upset.

I think it's pretty rude to just disappear in someone else's house without saying anything, but there is little you can do if someone has bad manners.
Just enjoy the time she's gone.

One son and his wife both have parents who divorced and remarried. We all meet up for family occasions and get on well together. Confusion over names is avoided by adding the Christian name of the “step” eg Grandma Anne, Grandad John. It works well for us.

janeainsworth

I try to treat my children-in-law as I do my actual children.
When my children come to stay, I don’t expect them to spend every waking hour with me. I don’t expect them to tell me when they’re going to the toilet, to ask permission to eat a banana, to make a cup of tea or to go for a lie down.

I want them to feel that our home is still their home.

And that applies to DiL and SiLs too.

This is lovely and how I feel too although I fully expect to have adult children living with us for quite some time due to how difficult it is to move out these days.

My home is their home, I want them to always feel relaxed and safe here, including their partners

Countess your lucky stars she feels comfortable enough to do that

What a harsh lot some of you are. Have you thought that it could be compliment to the mil that dil comes to stay for weekend and feels relax and at ease enough to just go and have time to herself.? I just can't see the problem.

That's the issue.
Everyone is different, so it's only polite to respect their boundaries in their own homes.

After all, everyone tiptoe around respecting the sons, daughter in laws, and everyone else.

I really don't understand how it can be rude and offensive to go and rest for a couple hours while staying at the in-laws for a weekend. Do all of you really expect the DIL to sit and talk to everyone the entire time? My MIL certainly doesn't expect this. I can even remember falling asleep on the lounge when I was pregnant and MIL covered me with a blanket. I hope that my children are comfortable enough to be at ease at my home.