Ghosting

Its my granddaughter who has ghosted me. She doesn't reply to texts or messages, and if I try to arrange a visit she says she'll let me know when its convenient. If I call on the off-chance she'll be 'just popping out to visit someone'.
She has 3 children so it means I don't see my great grandkids.
It can be really cruel.

I had a very good friend for over ten years. One of those late blossoming friendships in my 50s. We were a similar age, same number of children around the same age and lots in common. We went to the theatre, had lunches and dinners and generally got on really well. There were one or two aspects to her personality which were a bit odd, which I won’t mention here. I had a few medical issues and she was always very supportive. I supported her when her husband died. Then, three years ago I had Stage 1 Breast cancer and that was when she stopped replying to my emails and texts. Promises to visit or meet up for an exhibition, always excuses... So, I decided to cut her out of my life by blocking her in every way I could. She had spent nearly a year causing me angst. So, she tried getting in touch via my children! They knew the story so explained that I was having some time out. Three years on and a pandemic, I got in touch. She replied reasonably and that was it.

Thanks Smileless. They didn't do much stop as "opt out" of a bit they didn't like and then try to come back in when it was over.

I'm ashamed to say that if I'd spoken or responded in any way I would have been very nasty. I know I have a vitriolic tongue when I get going and my lifelong battle is to keep it under control. ??

So ghosting, turning my back on them was the best I could do.
Or maybe it wasn't. I'd still like to lash out?

Something I've learned from getting older. If someone upsets or hurts you, it's because you have given them that privilege. Once you withdraw that (stop caring), things are easier to handle and you can move on.

Ghosting? Is it not possible that sometimes friendships just run their course and as we get older we naturally drift apart as our circumstances change?

I'm reminded of the saying which goes something like, "Some people come into your life for a reason, some for a season and some stay for ever."

We lost contact with a lot of friends when we relocated. For some time I tried to maintain the relationships but eventually gave up. Having said that I know that if we returned to the area we would be met with open arms and pick up the conversation as if the intervening years hadn't happened.

geera

Something I've learned from getting older. If someone upsets or hurts you, it's because you have given them that privilege. Once you withdraw that (stop caring), things are easier to handle and you can move on.

That is very wise - thank you and will help with a "friend" situation I am experiencing.

Sorry for a long post, but think that is what is happening to me, by someone I have known for many years and had considered a friend, eg we have had many days out together, have mutual interests and confided in each other. I am aware she does have some mental health issues, centered on obsession with various aspects of her life, and was having counselling for this, though with no discernible outcome, so have always taken this into account and listened to her offloading. However in lockdown, it is always me who has initiated contacts, she has responded, usually days later, with excuses about flat phone battery, didn't see the message, etc, and always full of moans in her replies. I have been in regular contact with mutual friends in lockdown, who have always noted how difficult conversations are with this friend (whatever her issue is, she's always got it worse than anyone else, and constantly dwelling on issues many many years past etc). And now the heartbreaking news that a mutual friend now only has a couple of weeks left to live - and yet apparently all my 'friend' does in conversation with my ill friend, is to centre the conversation on herself. Am I being unreasonable now, to just let this relationship (seems its not a true friendship), gently die and not initiate any more contacts? I feel that she is already ghosting me?

As Cankle Kitten said earlier ,perhaps your ex friend has died.
I would assume that is the case and forge5 about her.

I had not heard of 'ghosting' until now. I don't use social media at all. But I can only aasume that some people find it easier to just abandon a friendship/relationship when there is no personal face-to-face contact, the same way that people will say things in an email that they probably would not say if you were standing in front of them. It's cowardly.

Having said that, I now realise I may have inwittingly and unintentionally been guilty of ghosting in the past. I'm not a great communicator, not good at keepin in touch, and sometimes friends and family may not hear from me for months. I've always been that way, I just don't see the need to be in constant contact with people. Probably why I don't like 'social' media and why I never wanted a mobile phone, although I carry one for emergencies.

Happened to me twice, the first time it was a family we were really close to, used to go on holiday with, exchanged letters and phone calls weekly. She suffered the death of a baby at a few weeks old and I did everything I could think of to be supportive, and she seemed to appreciate it. But one day a letter was ignored, phone messages left and never returned. I was really worried. Eventually my husband managed to catch her husband on the phone, and he said she had taken against a sentence I had written in my last letter. I at once replied deeply apologising, but no response, they just shut us out of their lives.

The second time I was having regularly lunches with an ex work colleague, we had both been bullied and work, and were glad to leave, but continued to see each other. I arranged on lunch date but completely forgot, and had to rush over when she rang to ask if I was coming. A couple of months later she also forgot, it was a charity fund raiser, and she was too late to join in, so I considered we were equal on the amnesia front. I then went down with a ghastly embarrassing illness that meant I found it hard to think of anything else but how uncomfortable it was, and I left work and drove home on automatic pilot when I should have driven to the pub to meet her. She rang and I apologised profusely and said I was on my way, but she just said 'it's too late, don't bother'. I tried to rearrange but she just ignored all phone calls and emails, so I have sadly had to accept I have lost her.

Others can shrug these things off, I am too sensitive, and still would welcome further contact if the chance ever arose, it does hurt.

It's the easy way out rather than actually saying "look I'm sorry, I can't / don't want to do this anymore"
Quite honestly I'd rather have it rather than the trite "I didn't want to hurt you"when they know that by their actions they bl***y will!

When my Mother died eight years ago I took it terribly badly and was an epic mess. I was the first in any of my friendship groups to lose a parent as an adult. I dropped off the face of the earth. Some of my friends were quite offended, I think that they just didn’t understand.

As I gradually started to pick up the pieces of my life again, I started to try to pick up those friendships. My closest friend from uni who I have known for 28 years did not respond to any of my tentative approaches. About 18 months ago I found out that the other of my closest friends from university had died unexpectedly. I tried one last time to reach out to my other friend. Nothing. So I gave up.

A few weeks ago my university friend texted completely out of the blue. She apologised and started to explain (she had also been going through difficult times) but I said, “let’s just put that behind us”. I am delighted that we have resumed our friendship and am confident that we will not let things slide again in the same way.

Just wanted to say that they is always hope... ?

My husband's brother has done this, there was no fallouts or arguments it was just odd. Hubby had two massive brain tumours and given a 50/50 chance for both. After the second one in 2008 his brother never came to the hospital, visited, sent a card, phoned or asked how he was. For all he knew hubby could have passed away. Now 12 years later we still haven't heard a word, he sends Christmas cards which go in the bin and birthday cards which I give to my husband but that's it. The rest of his family are just as useless. He now has Lewy Body dementia and his childhood friend has done the same thing. Used to send cards and always visited him for a chat at Christmas, not heard a peep from him in four years.

This was someone I met at work, a job I left 10 years ago, but we remained friends, She came to visit me and we even had weekends away together, it was a bit on and off over the years but we kept in touch. Then lat year after my son died she came to stay with me, it’s fair to say I wasn’t at my best, but I’d done my best for her, we had a few nice days out, we hugged when she left. I had one or two phone calls with her before Xmas last year. This year absolutely nothing, I’ve messaged her several times on messenger, asked how she is, apologised if I’d done something wrong, but I can’t think that I have. I just don’t know, that’s the most frustrating thing, she has just disappeared, I have seen some activity on Fb, but there is no response to anything I put on or to any messages. Anyway, I’ve probably given enough now, it’s her loss. I can only think because she is estranged from her son that couldn’t relate to my deep grief over the loss of mine. Thank you for reading.
I move on without her now, I lost my son nothing compares to that. Take care. X ???

Dorsetcupcake, your remark about people disappearing from Gransnet resonated with me. When I first joined there were two or three regular and very outspoken GNs who seem to have dropped out of view. I often enjoyed their sparring so their absence is noticeable.
Just hope they are ok.

Happened to me with an old school friend about 10 years after we left school - she stopped responding and I gave up contacting her. 20 years later we met at a school reunion, she never gave an explanation but it was just like old times and now living 40 miles apart, we started to meet up monthly etc.. Then suddenly after 10 years of this renewed contact, suddenly no response to my overtures to meet up. I left the ball in her court and heard nothing more. Have decided some relationships, however old the friendship, just aren’t worth pursuing.

Ghosting seems to be the thing these days.

It seems to be easier than telling someone that they have hurt or angered you, if it is done deliberately.

BUT a lot of people just don't get round to answering calls, letters or emails. Is this ghosting too?

I don't think it really is, as I have an old schoolfriend who was never good at keeping in touch. When she had left a letter too long, she couldn't make herself answer it. Odd? Yes, but I accepted it, as I am fond of her.

How long you want to go on contacting someone who doesn't answer depends, I think, on how much you like the person.

Me too GC. I stayed in touch with a school friend for 10 years after school, but then lost touch. I've moved overseas a fair amount so not surprising. Then 5 years ago we re-established contact and met up a few times. But it's all dropped off again.

Our lives are vastly different and I can only think we don't have enough in common anymore.

My daughter had a sister and brother who were friends with her, the brother more than the sister. Having been the best of friends he suddenly ghosted her. It was devastating for my daughter, he was the only male she had ever trusted having been abandoned by her father in much the same manner and as she was living with the sister, it caused even more hurt. The relationship with the sister broke down eventually.
Years on, the sister arrived back in her life. The brother was now married with children and was distantly friendly if they met. My daughter employed the sister when she fell on hard times, helped her raise funds for IVF,s and was told she was going to be godparent to the resulting child. Come the day of the Christening, my daughter wasn't called as a Godparent which she thought was most strange. Then, one day, out of the blue, she found she was being ghosted.
Once again, my daughter was devastated so, as I was good friends with the girl too, I asked her what was wrong. She replied that she didn't think my daughter wanted to be friends so I suggested they talk as I knew this wasn't the case but left it at that. I then noticed that I was being ghosted too. Strongly enough, she is still "friends" with my husband on FB and my daughter's husband. It is very strange but I won't waste my time worrying about it. She knew how devastated my daughter was about not knowing what she had done wrong with the brother and I think it was unkind to do the very same thing.

On reading these posts it seems to me that, in a lot of these cases, ghosting is carried out by those who just don't have the guts to be honest about not wanting to continue with a friendship/relationship; for whatever reason. Either they don't have the emotional maturity to explain and deal with it or they don't have the balls. Either way leaves their ex friend/partner floundering around for months/years wondering what on earth they did wrong.

I have dropped someone over lockdown. You can call it ghosting if you prefer. I like to call it 'don't lie about ill'. I had always known this 'friend told 'fibs' which was irritating. They then lied about having Covid. I called them out. They dropped out of a group chat after this.
I then discovered that wasn't the worst 'fib'. They have lied about having cancer. Even shaved their hair to cover the lie....
Despicable! I cannot be friends with someone like that. So yes, they have been 'ghosted'. Good riddance.

I am going to turn this on its head now. Not so long ago I joined Gransnet and shared a problem I had with a friend who was taking me for granted. I asked for advice from this section and some of you on here that have commented on this post encouraged me to have nothing more to do with her...which is also ghosting. Why would you encourage this to others when you did not like it done to yourselves??

I don't know Chewbacca. Is it worse to be told that someone doesnt want to be friends because you are boring, needy, bossy, loud, (insert reason). Or just to be dropped.

I was once told that I had a silly little girl laugh and that personal statement devestated me. I didn't laugh spontaneously for weeks.
Are we better off not knowing why someone dislikes us if it's what we are rather than something we did?

Oh I do sympathize with everyone this has happened to! Five years ago a woman I thought was a really good friend, if not my best friend stopped calling me and returning my calls. I didn't think anything of it for a while, we both had quite busy lives, but when it became quite obvious she had cut me off completely, I 'phoned and asked her point blank if I had offended her, and if so how. She said that of course I hadn't, and how could I think that. She was so convincing I felt as if I'd imagined the whole thing. But, she just kept not taking my calls or calling back. That was Summer five years ago and I haven't seen her since. It's a horrible feeling, and made me feel really worthless. I still think about it today....

Is it worse to be told that someone doesnt want to be friends because you are boring, needy, bossy, loud, (insert reason).

It doesn't have to as bald and cruel as that though does it? It could be "I'm taking a break; I need time to myself; I don't think we have enough in common to sustain this friendship/relationship; I'm upset with what you said or did and I don't want to see you".

If you're told that'd they don't want to see you again it's painful and it hurts but you're not left staggering around in the dark for months wondering what the hell you said or did to offend them.