Ghosting

Yes Marketkat as others have said it happens a lot when your life changes through illness and bereavement. Often people don't know how to deal with your pain and what to say, so they just walk away. The important thing to remember is that the people who are in your life are there because they want to be. I hope this brings you some comfort in knowing that you do have friends that care. Please concentrate on them and what they bring into your life and stop worrying about those who felt they could no longer walk the journey with you. Best wishes.

When they've upset me, I've had no qualms in saying to them that I'm taking a break from our friendship.

However, the tricky bit is when they're very nice people - sweet and friendly - but boring as hell. It's a huge effort required on my part to keep up a relationship but I feel like such a fraud just going through the motions.

So far, no one has ever told me directly that they're taking a break from me but, there are people who have disappeared from my life and I wonder if it is them ghosting me.

I feel I'm losing my friend gradually. When the pandemic started she texted me several times a day, often sending photos of what she's cooked or pics of her garden. I did the same back. Now its days before I hear from her and texts are a couple of words. She said she will never go back to the activities we did before.

Mamma66 it was so good to hear that things can be sorted out, sometimes.

My DD was ghosted by her boyfriend of several months (both in their 30s).
She texted saying that ghosting is an incredibly hurtful thing to do and she didn't think much of him for doing it.
He did respond then, saying he was upset she hadn't picked up on his hints that he wanted the relationship to become more serious.
It hadn't occurred to him to say that, straight out. Idiot.

Illte I think you were quite right to ignore those people.

That's sad inishowen did your friend give any reason for feeling as she did.?

We had a friend who went through a very difficult time and we helped her a lot over an extended period. My husband in particular did a lot of running about for her. The friend moved away and we have heard from her once in a year. Obviously we can be of no further use to her.

Grannyannie
I do know exactly what you mean.
I have friends, a married couple, I have known for more then 50 years. They are so kind but oh dear they have got so boring over the years.
They have grown old well before their time.
Dr’s visits and the garden are all that keep them going.
They moved away about 6 years ago so now that my H has died I don’t see them but we talk on the phone weekly.
I cannot travel just now but even if I could I don’t think I would.
The last few times we saw them we stayed in a hotel, making the excuse that we didn’t want to put them out.
I feel very guilty about my feelings but really can’t spare time at 83 to be doing things I don’t enjoy.
They really are a lovely couple but have no friends.

I "unfriended" someone on Facebook basically because she stopped responding to requests to meet up or made excuses. I must have offended her over something but life's too short to have people like that in your life. Can't be bothered with it.

inishowen it sounds like your friend is feeling very down because of covid.
Can you phone her? Or meet her, in a physically distanced way?

Purplepoppies

I have dropped someone over lockdown. You can call it ghosting if you prefer. I like to call it 'don't lie about ill'. I had always known this 'friend told 'fibs' which was irritating. They then lied about having Covid. I called them out. They dropped out of a group chat after this.
I then discovered that wasn't the worst 'fib'. They have lied about having cancer. Even shaved their hair to cover the lie....
Despicable! I cannot be friends with someone like that. So yes, they have been 'ghosted'. Good riddance.

I have a friend who lied about having cancer. She didn’t fool me and I ignored all her ‘I’m going to die soon’ shenanigans which went on for years. She fooled a lot of her other friends though, and it occurred to me that it was a way of controlling them so they’d feel desperately sorry for her, buy her gifts, run errands, do her housework and keep her company when her husband was away. She’s still doing it now, some 10 years later, but is apparently ‘in remission’ and has allowed her hair to grow a bit. I believe - though it hasn’t been diagnosed - that she, and probably your now ghosted friend - have Münchausen syndrome

I had never heard of the term ghosting until today when I read this message. I have possibly been guilty of doing so when I cut a dear friend out of my life with no explanation because, at the time I was too cowardly to tell her the truth. Her husband, whom she idolised, made two racist comments about our grandson. Stupidly I didn’t tackle it with him at the time but I really couldn’t bear to be in his company thereafter and so I cut the pair of them off. I still miss my friend.

I "ghosted" a friend of mine after my marriage broke down. She had taken my now ex husband's part. She tried to get in touch a couple of times but I was sure that if we met up, she would pump me for info on what I was doing, where I was going ect and pass it on to him.

My sister found out something about someone she'd known for years. It was extremely unsavoury, bordering on criminal. She was so shocked and horrified, that she just cut all contact with him. Should she have told him why? Tricky, because of the source of the information (definitely legit, by the way, no question - it was verified and confirmed by the father of the 'victim', and it was like the final piece of the jigsaw for my sister - she'd always had her suspicions about him, and although shocked, she was not altogether surprised).

So yes, she 'ghosted' him, removed him and blocked him on FB, blocked him on her phone, and deleted the handful of messages she had from him - he eventually gave up. She didn't honestly know any other way she could deal with it, the situation was just so appalling.

@narrowboatnan I have read up on munchausens (I also think she has lied about a condition she claims her child has) but I'm not convinced. But I'm not a Dr. Or a psychiatrist.
It seems when that particular circle of friends find out she moves to the next... a new job, a new church, a new voluntary sector.
I really did not trust myself to speak to her after the revelation. Nor would there have been any point.
Im just remembering how many heart attacks her father has had in the last few years.... he's miraculously still living!!

I ghosted a person I thought was a friend who within hours of learning my husband had passed away posted a photo of him on Facebook saying how much she was upset and would miss him. She was getting ‘so sorry for your loss’ comments from people that didn’t know him. My daughter was furious as she’d seen it before me and hadn’t told me. She said her husband had to restrain her from going to her house to tell her how dare she take it on herself to post this before we had chance to let genuine friends know. This ‘friend’ had no idea she had overstepped the mark. I was in no frame of mind to berate her so just cut her out if my life. Friends don’t treat friends like that, it was purely to gain attention for herself, something she does regularly on Facebook.

Forestfriend, I cut links with a couple of friends for the same reason, one of them worked for me and was reporting back to him the exact takings for everyday she worked.
When we went to the court it was so obvious where the amounts came from.
Others, their first question was always, what are you doing, not how are you.
Then I would get lots of comments from him.

Is it possible that this person has had some kind of personal upheaval that you are unaware of or is otherwise suffering from depression or physical health issues of their own? Maybe it's nothing you've said or done, just that they are not communicating with anyone right now? Cutting oneself off from social contact is a sign of depression. Does your friend have a history of that? If so, there is nothing you can do except to continue reaching out until they are able to open up again. Just stating things from the other side. My mom died in April from covid and I have not spoken to any friends since then, or family other than to inform them of her death. No funeral or burial because of covid. My work hours have doubled so I am exhausted and depressed and lonely since I can't see anyone due to covid restrictions here. I can't bring myself to call anyone and pretend to have a happy conversation, so I just don't make any calls. I'm not saying this for sympathy, just as way of possible explanation for your friends behavior. Don't give up, maybe they will come around in the future.

I had this happen after a good friends marriage broke up. I tried and tried to remain friends. I was so hurt and it took a good few years to realise the problem was her and not me. We automatically assume it's our fault but it isn't always. Friends come and go sadly and there's not a dam thing you can do about it. You just have to let go, grieve and move on.

grant1 that's so sad. Surely your friends wouldn't expect you to be all happy, knowing about your loss?
I hope you feel up to making a call or a text to someone before very long.

Had it happen to me with what I thought was a close friend. The first time, we were supposed to go on holiday for 2 weeks. The day we were leaving, she told me that she could only go for a week because she'd met someone special.

Needless to say, I'd stumped up the payment for the holiday already. When I got back, she'd moved and I heard nothing from her for years, until a mutual aquintence got in touch and told me that she was in desperate straits and needed me.

Stupidly, I immediately put the past away and went to her. She had been accused of assaulting her baby, who was then in GOS childrens hosp. After they went home, I visited a few times but whenever I arrived the man would leave and sit in his car until I went home. After a few weeks, I told her that he made me feel very uncomfortable and she had my address, should she need me. Nothing for years and then she turned up unannounced at my birthday dinner.

She was younger than me and had made new friends so I left the runing to her and it slowly devolved to visits on Christmas and birthdays only, which was fine by me, but a few years later, it started again. Telephone messages went unanswered, cards and letters ignored and emails not answered.

This time, I've had enough. Regardless of her need, I would not have anything to do with her ever again. I could not do this to anyone I considered a friend and don't understand how anyone can do it to anyone else.

It is diabolically rude and hurtful.

Isn't it strange that a woman I work with today asked me "have you heard from so and so lately?"

"Not for ages, I rarely do these days" I said.

"Well, she has moved (about 350 miles away) and didn't let anyone know she was going. A couple of us have texted her, but she has blocked us".

I have posted on this before - but I don’t seem to be able to find a way of coming to terms with both of my daughters living abroad. We have four GC / two of which we had regular contact with as they came for half terms / summer holidays etc.
Since my eldest went to live in Sweden it’s been nearly a year since we have seen them. Plans were made for visits etc and my daughter from Canada was coming too. Obviously with COVID the plans have been cancelled and it’s possible we won’t see them again for sometime. I feel heartbroken as I have spent most of my life bringing up a family that have all but disappeared now - with all the stuff on the news about people getting together again with their families , we feel so isolated and have lost hope really of any normal family life again.
I still work ( with families) and have friends who I love - we have lots to be thankful for - I know that - but I feel like we need to move on and make our own life now - at nearly 70 it’s a daunting thing to do

It’s so hard living away from family. My daughter may be moving soon as big changes in her life. I asked her not to move further away, at the moment it’s nearly a 3 hour drive.
I find it terribly lonely at the moment, everything is difficult.
But, I hate to put pressure on her, I had to say something though so at least she knows and may take that into consideration. I to find it hard when I see families getting together, the news makes it seem as though everybody has somebody just around the corner waiting to hug you.

A longstanding friend of more than 40 years sent my husband a horrible email saying that he had once said he had despised her husband (he didn't) and that her husband had been very generous and hospitable to him and he had rarely responded. She also said that my husband was always moaning and asked why had he never mentioned which regiment his parents were in during the war?! She signed off Yours sincerely. The previous day she sent me a friendly chatty email with love and kisses. I shall be ghosting her in future I am afraid. AIBU

Estrellita, no, you wouldn't be unreasoonable at all imo.