Ghosting

I'd ask her why she sent that. It doesn't sound like a sensible email.

I had a friend who lost her husband last year and spent the past many months phoning and messaging me saying how terribly depressed she was , she was at rock bottom , crying all the time , and that the doctor had put her on antidepressants and was worried about her , she said she could not go out to take the dog for walk as she didn’t want to see anyone , speak to anyone , so she had her son drive 20 mile round trip almost every day to take her dog for his walk , I’d also pick up her dog to take him for walk along with my own dog . I was so very worried for her, I would always offer to pick up any shopping for her , pick up her prescriptions from the chemists , was always on the end of the phone saying that if she needed me I’m always there for her ...this went on for months , but I didn’t mind at all , because she was my friend . Then one day couple weeks ago , she messaged me , out of the blue , saying that she had met this ‘ lovely man ‘ , they had been out for lunches , to the shops to buy some groceries and new clothes , gone for runs in the car .........yes, I was happy for her , but, I also felt very hurt because I’d felt she used me , sucking up my generosity, taking advantage of the kindness I’d shown her , so decided I didn’t want her as a friend anymore , I’d blocked her in every which way I could , didn’t want to hear from her again. I do miss her but also don’t need friends like that in my life .

I have not been my best self at times over the years.

I built a new life after a divorce and as a single parent with a teenager I often felt emotionally drained to the extent that at the end of the day I just wanted to watch something stupid on tv.

Before that I used to be a person who had lots of friends but there were constraints of finances too and I felt I had to prioritise my daughter just to keep the day to day things running. It seemed to get worse during Covid as some of those everyday things got more complicated, i.e. home schooling all of a sudden getting hold of food, deliveries cleaning etc.

I didn't or couldn't always explain that I was too stretched to socialise much or at all with adults. So I only contacted those people and things that were essential to keeping things running often. I probably also was depressed at times but just had to grit my teeth about it. It was a way of getting through.

If someone had phoned or contacted me and said hey come out for an hour for a walk on the beach I probably would have said great and done it. But I often felt I didn't have the emotional resources to cope with someone else's potentially weighty issues.

Afterwards and in the past few months I have distanced myself from two former friends who I realised didn't see my position and were asking too much of me. I thought.

I wish I could have done it with more grace, but there you go. I prioritised what I felt I had to. Had I done anything else I would have been criticised for neglecting my DD

I'm fairly sure that for people who have care responsiblities they sometimes must feel like Especially during Covid.

I listened to Womans Hour about ghosting and women in particular dating over fifty. I'm sure it happens to men too but one listener pointed out that she had been talking on phone for four hours to a potential date and then had been ghosted.

She said and I thought a fair point that if you met someone in real life this would be plain rude. I agree.

However there are different sets of circumstances.

I don't think everyone is brought up to deal with bereavement or death in the same way either. When I was growing up I was never allowed to go to a funeral and my parents didn't model appropriate responses. I understand their difficulties but I really didn't know what any of the procedures were, or how to act, or even how to deal with grief. I learned much later.

So I'm very much aware that my responses to certain situations would have appeared plain rude. Or uncaring in the past. Actually there were lots of reasons why.

I would try not to ghost people but there have been many I haven't been in touch with because I felt I didnt' have the emotional resources. Online is sometimes easier because if you have chores or jobs to do you have more choice over when you reply.

Dibbydod. Sorry you experienced this. You see that is the sort of thing I'd never do, especially not the dog bit. Animals understand much more than humans. I would just struggled along and try not to be a burden on anyone.

I had a friend that I met at work, we used to go out and about together, even went on an extended holiday. When she married we stayed in touch although living an hour or so apart, and I was godmother to her son. We went our own ways with careers,and families but kept in touch. One evening we were supposed to be visiting them for dinner, and staying over for a good catch up. Unusually, my DH phoned to check on expected time and friends DH answered the phone, said she was out doing overtime at work, but would call us back. She never phoned. A few weeks later, I, along with some other friends, received a letter telling us that as a working couple with children they were unable to give their friends any of their spare time and would be limiting contact. For a few years we received boastful, tedious letters at Xmas telling everyone how wonderful their life was. After a few years of no returns she finally stopped sending them. Very weird to be the godmother of a child ( man of 28 now!) that I never see and who has no idea who I am. I wonder how they are faring now in retirement having cut us and other friends off? At least I wasn't left wondering as others have reported, but it was still very hurtful

I’ve had this happen loads of times throughout my life Didn’t know about the fancy name though. I used to look at my parents, who would have friends dating back 40/50 years. I always put it down to their generation didn’t go anywhere. Our kids move around a lot, but are always at the end of some route of communication or other. We moved around a lot, but lost touch. It did mean you could’ lose’ people much easier! We do have three sets of friends we’ve known for over 23 years though. That’s good going for us?, but school friends/ uni etc, long gone. When one door closes and all that?.

Dibbydod I don't understand what you think your friend did wrong.
Was the socialising happening at the same time as she was asking for help?

Like DiscoDancer1975 I think losing track of friends was quite common, I do have friends who go back 50 years but because we moved away after we got married and had no phone for a couple of years the only way to communicate was by letter. Not everyone is a good letter writer and gradually the friendships stopped. I had no idea there was a name for it. Nowadays I seem to get times when a particular person is on the phone morning noon and night and then suddenly nothing, very puzzling.

I’ve read all the posts with great interest, I have moved on from this friend now and haven’t tried any further contact and won’t. I have to be satisfied that I didn’t do anything wrong, I’ve given it a lot of thought though and whilst I never expected this to happen and I am disappointed in her, I can let it go and hope that she is well and has somebody to befriend her in the future should she need help. It is all very odd as we spoke to each other and visited regularly, when I think about it Now, she spoke, I listened. Pity she couldn’t afford that to me in my circumstances. We were very close, I have others who have remained and often ask have I heard from her, they are surprised when I say I haven’t.

marketkat

Ouch I feel your pain I’m currently having this done to me, for 14 years I’ve spent every Friday night with my bestie. We were an odd friendship as he’s as young as my kids. Two years ago he lost 9 stone and I was really pleased that he was making new friends and getting out and about, then he met a fella and I was delighted. I expected he would have less time for me but then he stopped answering and returning my calls txts etc. I decided to call him out so I messaged him and said ‘ what have I done that is so awful that you could treat me like this’ he rang me and said there was nothing wrong he’d just been busy and hadn’t even thought about it. I went over and we had a great night on the Gin laughed till we cried just like old times. Two weeks later I cooked him a meal for his birthday and he said he’d call me at the weekend as he was going away and would tell me about it when he got back, but there was this odd feeling that he was saying goodbye. No contact at all since. I’m not going to chase after him I’ve got other friends and my dignity but it’s just sad that he hasn’t got the courage to tell me what this is about even when given the opportunity and that 19 years obviously means so little.
It’s really painful but I haven’t done anything but be a good friend so it’s his loss

I had a friend who I met at university. We were close, stayed friends as we married and had children. I supported her through some very difficult times. When things improved for her we carried on as before but she started criticising me, my choices, my family etc. I talked to her about it, things might improve a bit then endless criticisms again. In the end I said to her that I felt we no longer had much in common really, had gone down different roads and that I didnt want to sustain our friendship by tolerating such criticisms when my choices were my choices. I said I did not wish to meet up again as the same thing always happened. At this point I got endless phone calls, letters, flowers going on for months. Eventually, being as clear as I could be I stopped responding completely, ignored calls, letters etc. It took over a year for it to stop.

This was so unlike me to do this, so hard to do but I actually felt desperate in the end. I had given so many chances for things to change, had accepted apologies, tolerated being taken for granted to try and make it work.
Eventually I realised that I can be pushed a long way and will make allowances for people for a long time because of stress etc. But once someone pushes me too far, and loses me emotionally they lose me. And once that happens, I walk . I didnt ghost her exactly, I had explained but she couldnt hear it. And I actually ended up feeling quite desperate about her endless attempts at contact

It still makes me feel a vut sad but so be it, it was the right decision for me

I have decided to 'ghost' a so called friend of about 5 years. The friendship was a very good one to start with. We used to shop and have fun together. However in the last eighteen months I have begun to feel used. She only contacts me by email when she wants to know something. Knowing my husband is very ill she asked after him once in an email asking about something else. No further contact. Made me realise I have been used in the last few years. So that's it no further contact as I don't need this sort of 'friendship' at this time.

I had a good friend from when our kids were young. She is God mother to one of our lads. We were close and I liked her company very much. We had a laugh. We moved away and we kept in touch initially. Her marriage split up. I tried to maintain the friendship but she has ghosted me. I dont know why. I wrote to her to say I valued our friendship but she didnt make contact. Some friendships are for a reason, some for a season and some for ever.I was sad and hurt but just need to accept it.

I think that some of the sad experiences here are not exactly ghosting.
They are friendships coming to a natural end either by circumstance or distance.
As I understand ,ghosting is when a relationship, either romantic or close friendship suddenly ends.
Absolutely no contact, no explanation, just as if the other person had died.
This must be devastating when it happens and can lead to awful problems of self worth and confusion.

Marketkat

Has anybody heard of “ghosting“ or had it happen to them. I googled my friend is ignoring me. Ghosting came up as a thing, this has happened to a lot of people. Basically my friend of over 20 years has disappeared from my life, we don’t live close to each other But would visit each other often. I had a big tragedy in my life, that I posted in the bereavement section. Although initially supportive, I don’t hear from this person anymore despite my efforts, I get no replies or any communication. I’m worried about posting, but I’m genuinely interested to know what people think. Thanks for any replies.

I have experienced 'ghosting' and it's a very painful experience. But I learned that the reason why people 'ghost' shouldn't always be taken personal. Whether it's a date or a friend, sometimes it's to do with their own emotional discomfort, such as misunderstanding their own feelings, experiencing a stressful situation, or even thinking that you're out out their league. Like 'ghosting', there are lots of other dating terms you may find interesting, and it's a good way to understand modern dating culture. Check out the definitions here: www.vivastreet.co.uk/blog/the-periodic-table-of-modern-dating/

We had a friend who we helped a lot through various crises in her life. She moved away and my husband was helping her right up to removal day. Since then we have heard nothing from her, I can only assume we can no longer be useful to her so we are dumped.
It's been over a year now, c'est la vie.

I have an ex-GN friend who ghosted me. We used to meet up for coffee at a local garden centre and then she stopped emailing me. I emailed her a couple of times,she would reply and then I would reply. After that I would hear no more from her.

As I said up thread, the only way I got over being ‘ghosted’ was when another friend said to me ‘you have to face the fact that the friendship meant more to you than it did to her’.

That drew a line in the sand for me and after several months of self-analysis and lowered self esteem (you’re dead right there annsixty it was horrible) I picked myself right back up.

Good luck everyone suffering it. It’s not just a friendship that fizzles out.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mogsmaw
Sorry to say this is not ghosting, it is called estrangement.

There is a full section of the forum dedicated to it

Hithere
I’ve deleted my post, I’ll be sure to check my definitions more carefully in future to save you the trouble of a reprimand.

I was ghosted during the summer by a very close friend. We had spent lots of time together over quite a few years, done each other favours and had long phone chats each week during lockdown.
She asked me for a completely unreasonable favour which I could not do and she just cut me off. She wrote about what happened on Facebook and completely twisted it. Funnily, the people who responded were sticking up for me.
I expected to be upset but actually more annoyed and offended.

Mogsmaw
Apologies, it wasnt a reprimand.

A relative solicited from me quite a lot of family ancestry info from me, which I was happy to impart and chose to do so by a paper letter. I felt genuinely friendly and affectionate when I wrote it and can think of nothing in it that would hurt feelings in any way .

This relative responded only by a public Facebook messsage " I must give you a ring some time". Never did so. I still 'like' the relative's Facebook entries from the relative , otherwise I do not communicate.
Is this sort of ghosting?