My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

What a difficult situation you are in. I couldn't imagine not being able to spend time with my granddaughter in peace. Perhaps if you made it clear to him that his attitude was distressing you but you would not pander to it, and that you would prefer to spend time at your own home with him and your grandchild but if he continued to be difficult you would simply go to your daughter's house instead. Be firm but kind. Then take yourself off to your daughter's house each week so you can enjoy the little one's company without worrying about a grumpy man in the background, and give him time to reflect on being on his own. Sadly I believe even if this makes him modify his behaviour his underlying attitude is unlikely to change, so all you may achieve is a compromise. Whatever you do you need to be firm and not let him pressure you with his moods.

This is so unacceptable - he really is acting like a spoiled child.

I know that my OH (who had PD) found the GC difficult as his disease progressed - but behind all that I knew he loved them with all his heart; he just could not cope with their boisterousness because he was weak and anxious. It was a difficult situation, as I wished to honour my care agreements with the DDs, and having them helped me to deal with the challenges of a sick partner.

I tried to find ways in which it was not too full-on for my OH, as his feelings were part of his illness, not really part of him.

But if a fit grown adult is behaving in this way I would find that objectionable - and TBH not find him at all likeable.

I am sorry you are having to grapple with this problem, that is not of your making.

Just a thought, but could your husband be depressed? You say he has retired now and this can be difficult for some people as their identity can be tied to the job. Depression can cause irritability and anxiety and just not coping well with social situations. Toddlers are exhausting too!

This is so sad, you must be walking on eggshells constantly.
Your poor granddaughter probably feels his negativity as well as your daughter. She may only be a toddler but children are intuitive and pick up on these things.
He needs to grow up or ship out.
I think you have got some serious consideration coming up. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out in the way you want it to.

This sounds so familiar to me.
My 2year old gs, lives with us. My husband has dementia, he’s coping with it and trying to lead a normal life.
But his attitude is very similar to your husbands.
He’s is jealous of my gs. And always has been. Shouts at him for the smallest thing. Is annoyed when I ask him to be quiet, if gs is asleep. I get the eye rolling as well.
He has no patience with him. He’s just a horrible granddad.
But he does have an excuse. The awful dementia.
If your husband is fit and healthy, it’s unacceptable. I’d go to your daughters to look after your gd. She doesn’t need to be around this horrible man. I feel so sorry for you.
My husband won’t get any better , he can’t stand noise, and children are noisy. So we’re in a no win situation.

Maybe he can take up a hobby like golf. Or something he always wanted to take up when he retired.. U3A (University of the Third Age) has branches everywhere and they have lots of activities for retired people. Anything to get him out of the house! PROBUS have interesting things for active retired businessmen. For a grown up man, a grandad , to be nasty to a little child is really awful and shows a meanness of spirit that is a bit concerning, and it would break my heart if my husband (we’re in our 70s and been together 8 years) was like that towards my family. It shows a meanness or spirit which is quite worrying. A serious discussion about his behaviour is on the cards. Give him some options but then he must decide how he’s going to deal with the repercussions. Marriage is give and take and he’s not giving much ! Best of luck!

Wow petty and controlling, why would you subject your grandchild to that or yourself.

Before he retired your husband didn't have to consider what was happening at home but now he does. The way he's responding to your grandchild like a small child with a new sibling. He is being unkind and his behaviour is unacceptable. With a small child you do at least have the hope that they will grow out of it. In his case he won't and he clearly has developed no adult skills for discussing his needs openly. Don't subject the little one to being badly treated, just go to her house for the day. It's really hard when someone is being self-centred and unkind, but just try hard not to be drawn into arguments about this. State what your and the little one's needs are and, despite the cold shoulder or whatever you may be treated to when you follow them, just follow through on what you've said. If the sulking and rudeness continues I'm afraid you may have much deeper problems with this man. So very sorry. Bullying in whatever form is so hard to bear.

If a child is rejected by an adult then that’s a huge thing for the child. And the child gets a message about men too. I really think this is unacceptable and your job is to protect your grandchild. So maybe tell him you cannot have your grandchild round whilst he behaves badly towards her and you will be spending time out of the house with her. Unfortunately, he needs to understand that he will be seeing less of you not more. I gave experience if this from an earlier relationship where a step dad rejected my daughter and was unpleasant to her. It has had huge ramifications for her as a young adult. Please, please make sure your grandchild isn’t hurt by this. Keep her away from him x

That is so sad, to be put in that position. I look after my nieces occasionally, they are 8 and 12, my husband isn't that great with girls so when they spend the day he usually heads to his workshop, he isnt unkind to them, just leaves us to enjoy our day. This is what your husband should be doing, isnt there something he could do. Its so silly for him to be resentful of one day. Is he like this with other things you do or just with your family?

What an absolute pig he is! He's not a man, he's a self centred, inconsiderate moron! Me ex was like this with my first grandchild, hence I walked!

I echo with the above comments and advice.
My thoughts are why would you want to spend ANY time with this childish, petulant man? He appears to have no redeeming features and I would be making moves to end this relationship. Sorry to sound harsh but if he can behave in such a disgusting manner towards a tiny child what other behaviours is he capable of?

I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation - if you think it might help, you can have a look at the posts I put on Gransnet some time ago. I too felt that I was going mad, and the gransnetters advice was very helpful.
I had reached the end of my tether in March. Finally my DH realised that this was no storm in a teacup, but a real marriage breaker. He contacted one of my SILs and the result was that he, my daughter and their two children came to stay for a week. All passed enjoyably and peacefully. I’m not saying that DH truly enjoyed it - but I felt that an enormous burden had been lifted off my shoulders: one I’d been carrying around for years. DH’s attitudes sound very similar to yours. Please private message me if you need to.

I'm with H1954 on this.
When my daughter and her husband split up we undertook quite a bit of childcare for her two girls.
When the eldest was eighteen she wrote him a wonderful letter thanking him for always being there for her.
I wonder what your husband will get if you stay with him ?

This happened to my friends mum. 2nd marriage, did everything his way and for his family even caring for his mother in law, after 25 years of marriage partially due to being worn out she had a stroke and he couldn't get her in a home fast enough. Do not wreck your relationship with your family he is putting his needs very much before yours. Please do not be bullied into living his life and not yours.

Totally unacceptable, selfish and controlling behaviour. He clearly has no concern for your feelings whatsoever, it’s all about him and I would ask myself .... do I want this in my life.
He needs to grow up and realise that a marriage is a partnership with both of your feelings being equal. I’m afraid you need to adopt zero tolerance here, it’s cruel what he is doing.

I agree that you shouldn't be forced to go to your daughter's to look after your GC. Then he has won. You need to give him a few home truths and stop allowing this behaviour to spoil the time you have with your GC. Don't pander to him. He is showing his true colours. Any other family would enjoy the time with the little girl, taking her out , all the sort of things
" normal" grandparents and yes, step-grandparents do .Miserable s+d

I had the same scenario......we are now separated!

Oh, and another thing. I personally would say that if he doesn't like it he can pack his bag.Maybe that will shock him.

He is just nasty I have the same problem mine even smokes around them if I could leave I would be gone in a heartbeat! He will never change I bet

Goodness knows how you put up with this behaviour! My grandaughter would come before any partner that I have, and if they behaved like that towards a little one, they would be out of my door quicker than they ever moved in. Get rid!! Your poor daughter, how upset she must feel. Do yourself a favour!

Get rid! What a horrible man, having tantrums!
You deserve better.

I had a similar problem. What worked for me was explaining to my husband that the child was too young to understand who were blood relations and who were related by marriage. This was his chance to be a really good grandfather and it would be a shame to miss out on the experience. It took a little time but I knew it had finally worked when he gave her a packet of his favorite marshmallows which he had been given as a present. That was progress indeed. Covid has made him a little bit more wary but we are doing fine.

CreamTeas

Thank you SO much for your comments, I feel as though i’m not going mad after all and that this behaviour is wrong.

Your reply here makes me wonder just how successful you've been in the past about honouring your own feelings and sticking up for yourself in this relationship? Why on earth would you think that you were "going mad"? (Has anyone suggested that?) And of course his behaviour is wrong! Anyone with a healthy self esteem would have seen that straight away. SO - now I'm wondering what's gone on in the past that you've ended up with someone like him (were you frightened of being on your own perhaps) and how you see your future with him? He sounds very selfish and insensitive to your needs, and the needs of your little GD. I'm afraid, if it was me - no matter what he does or says now - I would be quietly planning to bring this relationship to an end. Why would you want to spend the last part of your precious life with such a person? (It's not going to get any better as the two of you age; worse in fact).

I have to agree with all posters
what a horrible situation .good luck