My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

My own husband is not particularly great with my grandchildren (who are not his too, by the way). He will make comments about their behaviour or their hair or they way they talk or anything. I try to avoid them being here with he is too, but sometimes that doesnt work out. I always defend them - like if he said 'his hair's too long' - I would say 'a two year old can't take himself to the barber!', But frankly it's all very well other replies here saying 'he's controlling, leave him' but even if you wanted to (which you probably don't) you may not be in a financial position to do so.

I think the one week here, one week at grandchild's own home is a reasonable compromise, and protect the child from his behaviour. Kids grow up and learn to avoid people who are difficult or who they can sense don't like them.

Best wishes.

I'm on my 3rd marriage and current husband had a hissy fit a few weeks ago as i had said (his version) i would be back at 4 to take him to the allotment i said (my version) i will be back as soon as i can i got back at 6pm.
In my previous life with first grandchild i had looked after him all the time as my daughter had mental health probs after hus birth. 10 years on and DD split with partner in lockdown because of his refusal to help with childcare of his own toddler. So im back on getting up 5 days to see to tge kuds plus DS 2 girls when he has them. I work full time as well all weekend.
I dont care if i was seeing to everyone for 24 hours a day as long as my children can work and my daughter doesnt have to do low paid work like i always had to and still do as i had my furst child at 17.
The big blow up over it and sulk happened i said leave if you dont like it. Its fractured our relatiinship. He doesnt want ust to split now but im not bothered. Im not obsessed with tge grandkids or my children but i'm not having a man think he can control my daughter (her ex partner) not being able to work in a global pandemic because of lack of childcare.
It's horrible when someone tries to make you choose between them or your family. Husband 3 says its up to kids to see to there own kids. He doesnt see much of his even though they live nearby but i always buy equally for them at xmas and birthdays etc.
One of the hardest things in a later 2nd marriage or 3rd or 4th ! Is not sharing grandchildren. I've read many threads on here on this subject and the word excessive comes up. Well i won't have much to leave my family so my gift is my time while im here. My husband number 3 is now on thin ice as i don't like him that much any more.
Others probably don't agree with me but how your husband is being is very hurtful to you and that's not a fair marriage. Don't give in to him.

My husband is much older than me and I find it less stressful if he is out of the way when the grandsons come so we often play upstairs or go outside for a while. It's not him that can't cope but me trying to look after 3 "children " instead of 2.

I wonder if he would react the same if it was a boy? Maybe he's just not keen on very young children and finds it hard to communicate. Can you go out somewhere together that you both enjoy and try and engage him that way?

Oh dear this doesn’t bode well with me, he sounds really selfish, one day a week is nothing! And you do so much when you have his grandchildren over, my daughter wouldn’t be leaving my grandchildren at the house if my husband acted like that, she wouldn’t feel comfortable with leaving them, I feel for you, he needs a head wobble

I’m not surprised this is making you and your daughter unhappy, OP. We can’t demand that everyone likes small children, but we can certainly expect those who don’t to make an effort to behave like grown ups when they’re in their company, and treat them appropriately.

Unless there’s a medical reason, as others have suggested, being mean to a 2 year old (a baby, for goodness’ sake!) is just unforgivable, and would be a massive red flag to me.

In my opinion your husband accepted all of you when he married you. That includes your children and the grandchildren. I would be resentful of him not liking your relationship with your family. He sounds like a jealous baby. Even if he left when the GC cane over I would not like it. It would make me feel indifferent towards him. I would talk to him and try to compromise. If thst doesn’t work with him then maybe he needs to be shown the door.

TwiceAsNice

I would be telling him if he cant be nice to my grandchildren he can leave . If he rarely sees his own children and doesn’t care the writing was on the wall!

Definitely this.....!!!!

Exactly. Initially I would agree to look after grand-child/ren at their own home- but then, if it does not work- I'd give him an ultimatum and mean it.

Yes he is jealous.
He obviously had this fairyland picture that once he retired, the two of you would spend every single moment together, to the exclusion of everyone else.
Sorry, but marriage isn't like that. He not only married you, but the rest of your family as a complete package, he can't pick and choose.
I'd bet if you did stop caring for your GC, he'd not be available for the two of you to spend time together anyway!
Buy him a set of golf clubs , pack him a lunch and on the days when GC is due, open the door, shove him out of it and tell him that you don't expect to see him for several hours! He obviously needs to make friends and find some hobbies of his own to do!

Yet another example of a totally selfish, obnoxious man. I'm glad he's not mine. I would have to render him unconscious with a blunt object and lock him in the woodshed.

Can I play Devil’s Advocat and try to see your husband’s point of view? Did you ask him about resuming care for your granddaughter, even if it is only for one day a week, or did you just do it? If you restarted against his wishes you are not the downtrodden pushover people on here seem to think. What he expected from retirement is not happening. However his argument is with you and not your gd and he should not be taking it out on her.
I think you and he need to sit down and discuss this in an adult manner and agree a compromise. There are two people living in your house not one and he should consider your wishes as well as his own.If gd is 2 she will be going to pre-school in a couple of years so it’s not like this is for ever. Maybe he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to react to a young child. Maybe he doesn’t know how to fill his time now that he is retired and wants you to fill it for him. Maybe there is a hobby he would like to persue to give him other interests?

I'm with twiceasnice on this one.

Obnoxious man... What is the rest of your relationship like?

A good reason not to remarry in later life, when someone displays selfish behaviour such as this, you can just sever ties without problems.
I know several relationships where the man was just looking for a replacement housekeeper and was intolerant of the partner's family. None of the relationships ended well.
There is no way on this earth that a man would roll his eyes about my GC.

Creamteas, I am so sorry for you. I would just ask, do you still love him? If the answer is yes, try and find time to talk it out with him. If the answer is no, work out your financial position and see if you could cope with being alone again.
I am also worried by your daughter's reaction. She must be worried every time she leaves your little granddaughter with you.
I hope things work out for you. All the best.

I agree with a lot of what is said on here but we only have CreamTea's version and it could well be that the grandchildren are the straw that broke the camel's back. My husband doesn't find me looking after my grandchildren quite as enjoyable as I do and it did cause problems. When I got to the bottom of it, it wasn't jealousy. When our last child had grown up, my husband had paid for expensive carpets, sofas and oak furniture after we had an extension built. At the time I was rather surprised because we normally went cheap but pleased because I loved the stuff. When my grandchild is with us, being ASD, he often throws things unexpectedly and my husband was anxious that stuff would get ruined. So every time my husband huffed or left the room, spending most of his time upstairs, I thought he was jealous of my grandson or just being childish. My grandson screeches unexpectedly too and my husband is obviously sensitive to sound so that is awkward.
When I look back, he has always been the disciplinarian and trying to hush the kids. He's not a bad person, he's just had enough of parenting and says things like, "I thought we we'd done our share of this."
We had to have a serious discussion where I explained that his behaviour was hurtful and it was affecting how I felt about his as a person. He doesn't do ultimatums and neither do I as they can be destructive. If we get to something that is really important to us, we are honest about that, acknowledge that it could be a deal breaker if we can't compromise and then look to how we can overcome the problem. We now balance our day more. He does errands, goes to lunch with a friend, etc and if he doesn't have anything to do, I take our grandson to a play centre or swimming for half the day. It isn't quite problem free but it is much better than it was and I like my husband more for it.
IF your husband is nice most of the time, I urge you to find a way through it by acknowledging it isn't what he would choose to do but asking him for a way to compromise so you can both be less unhappy. If he can't/won't talk (some people find it difficult to negotiate in a relationship) write to him so he has time to reflect before responding. Gild the lily about how much he means to you but assertive about how much this issue means to you. Good luck.

Wow what an awful man. My husband is wonderful with my children and grandchildren. I couldn’t live with him if he wasn’t. If I were you I’d pack his bags and send him on his way!

I agree Avalon and Ican - we have heard only one side of this problem, and there are a lot of judgemental and unfavourable assumptions being made about the OP’s DH.
For many people, retirement means a big adjustment, both for the one who’s retiring and their partner.
Deciding how much time to spend together, and how much on separate interests, is crucial and often involves compromise and tolerance.

He's spoilt and insecure isnt he. Ditch him

This happened to me.my secomd husband resented my family dreadfully even though they were 200 miles away. Resented me speaking to my daughter.
I was 60 and wouldn't take it any more. My family came first. I left.. ten years ago now.. never regretted it for one moment. Will never put up with jealousy and control.

Tell him straight what he is like and how his behaviour comes across, that it is unacceptable and completely unreasonable and also embarrassing and hurtful. Maybe you'll have a massive row, but get it out in the open. If he doesn't see things from your point of view, then he will just have to put up with it by going out etc as others have suggested. He is missing the opportunity to build a special relationship with his grandchildren, and that's a shame. Grown up child syndrome, sounds like. Jealous and attention seeking. How pathetic (I have some experience). Maybe get your grandchildren to do a drawing/colouring for him or something like that. Could soften the curmudgeon in him a bit, you never know. Good luck.

Goodness! How old is this man? My smallest GS sounds more mature than him. Does he realise how many people in the world have no family at all and here he is behaving like this to a child who he should thank God for! As you can guess I feel very strongly about this because I've known some very lonely people in the past.

I might be better able to comprehend your husband's attitude if you were looking after your grandchild six days a week, but one day?

I am with those who say tell him to do his own thing for one day while you have the child. His behaviour is not acceptable either for the child or for you.

A little child can accept that Granddad is working in his room, but not that Granddad pulls faces at her.

Be frank with him and tell him that you are not prepared to give up the one day a week you have with your granddaughter and that his behaviour is making it hard for you to go on loving him.

He may not feel the need to see his children and grandchildren often, but he has no right to tell you what you should feel.

This in my opinion is what he is trying to do.

If he refuses to accomodate you, then look after the child in her home, rather than in yours.

I’d be telling him to leave too! My husband was horrible to my children after we moved in together 38 years ago, though I went out of my way with his, treating them as if they were my own. He even went behind my back regarding buying them things secretly, toys, clothes etc but if I bought mine anything, there’d be a massive row! I stayed with him 38 years and he never changed and was obsessive over me. I couldn’t even go to the shops, he took me everywhere! Even telling me what to wear. The last 15/20 years we had a very, very unhappy relationship though I still looked after him, (he became disabled) his obsessiveness made him extremely bad tempered and was claustrophobic. It really is sad to say but since he died I have felt free. I wish I’d listed to my mum when she said ‘he’s not for you’! Love doesn’t mean you have to kept under lock and key!