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Long term relationship breaking down

(102 Posts)
janemaca Wed 19-Aug-20 12:09:26

My husband has a really bad temper and mood swings. He loses it at least once a week and I dread what sort of mood he will come home in. He has a very pressured job and works long hours. He also visits the gym, whenever he can snatch time, but does not eat during the day. Iv mentioned that I believe that this "hangry" behaviour may be due to low blood sugar. I have told him I find this behaviour intolerable, also that he needs to cut down on his heavy drinking. He promised some weeks ago that he would change but last week he ruined a dinner by shouting, swearing and binning it all and yesterday shouting, swearing and complaining because dinner would be late, all this in front of house guests. He will make snide and bitchy remarks when he is like this. I cannot stand anymore of his up and down moodiness and have told him, he just replies with "what would you do". He's right, I am in my 60s, not working and no bank account of my own. When he was working part time in lockdown it was better, though he has had these sudden outbursts towards me in the past, even in front of family and friends and it comes out of the blue. I am so sick of it that I retaliate now by shouting back, making my own derogatory comments but this leaves me feeling despondent and shaking. When I look back I think we have always fallen out really badly. I have mentioned counselling but this is not an option for him. When he is in a good mood he will tell me he loves me, I know he is a one woman man, and we get on and have similar interests, that is not a problem. Any advice would be gladly accepted as I just feel very sad right now.

geekesse Wed 19-Aug-20 12:26:50

Please get counselling - Relate or similar. You and he will not be able to sort this out on your own, and whether you stay together or separate, it needs to be done constructively and without angry outbursts.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 19-Aug-20 13:16:08

He sounds like a very unpleasant man and I wonder why you've stayed with him so long. He's got you where he wants you, hasn't he? No independence or money of your own, etc. This relationship sounds abusive. Have you any friends you can confide in, or even stay with for a while as you decide whether to continue. You would surely be better off on your own than be treated like this. No amount of "I love you's" are worth this.

glammanana Wed 19-Aug-20 13:26:10

I stand with LBCs on this he sounds very unpleasant and I wouldn't put up with it for one minute my late husband would never dream of belittling me in front of anyone your husband should be ashamed of himself.
Firstly sort your finances the fact that you don't work does not stop you withdrawing from your bank account if it is joint and move away for a few days to get yourself sorted it may just give him the shock that he needs.

sodapop Wed 19-Aug-20 13:27:53

I agree lovebeigecardigans this is no way to live your life. janemaca if he won't consider help then you need to look at your options. Talk to your family and friends away from his influence and get some support. I wish you well.

Jaffacake2 Wed 19-Aug-20 14:26:48

I don't think this is just angry and moods maybe related to hunger or whatever other justification you have. This is domestic abuse and you need some advice maybe from Women's aid. They could advice you on your options regarding home and financial support.
But first step is for you to acknowledge this is abuse and will be damaging for you long-term without help. Please rethink what sort of man he really is , a bully ?

Lucca Wed 19-Aug-20 14:35:03

Don’t waste any more time. On your own you will become a better person yourself.
Personally I Can’t bear older people who drink too much. It’s one thing when you’re young and daft but in your 60s it’s just offensive !

Septimia Wed 19-Aug-20 14:51:19

I presume from what you've said that you have a joint bank account.

Do you have your own income? Pension or whatever, or even an allowance from the joint?

My first move would be to open my own bank account and, if possible, to have my income paid into it. The bulk could still be transferred to the joint account to pay bills etc. Even a small amount in your own account would be a first step towards independence.

janeainsworth Wed 19-Aug-20 15:01:12

I think the question you need to ask yourself jane is whether you would want to stay with him if he didn’t have these angry outbursts. It’s something I personally couldn’t cope with.

If apart from his anger, you feel your relationship is worth holding on to, perhaps next time he’s in a good mood and tells you he loves you, you could say that you love him too (if that’s true) but you can’t live with his anger and he must seek help for it in the form of anger management counselling, and that that’s a deal breaker for you.

I agree with others it sounds like domestic abuse and no one should have to live with it.
Good luck.

FarNorth Wed 19-Aug-20 15:07:58

I cannot stand anymore of his up and down moodiness and have told him, he just replies with "what would you do".

Have a chat with Citizens Advice, or Women's Aid, about your options.
Once you know what is possible, you can start to decide whether to stay with this man.

As well as bullying you, he seems not to be concerned about others seeing his awful behaviour.
I'm guessing that he kids himself that they think it's all right for him to treat you like that.

Gwyneth Wed 19-Aug-20 15:12:51

See a solicitor you can at least find out what your options are and how you stand financially.

Esspee Wed 19-Aug-20 15:21:27

I couldn’t live like that. Why do you put up with it janemaca?
You surely deserve better.

Grandmabatty Wed 19-Aug-20 16:11:23

He asks, "what would you do?" cleverly passing his behaviour issue to you to solve. Or is it more a sneer ie where would you live etc? Neither are acceptable I'm afraid, in my eyes. Your husband is not apologising for this behaviour therefore it is unlikely he feels he is wrong and will not ever change. Would he shout etc at work? In the gym? If the answer is no, then he is choosing to be abusive to you because he can. He is escalating now as he is being nasty in front of others. What are you getting out of this relationship now? I won't say, leave him. You have to think very hard about your feelings. Lack of money should not be a factor in staying in an abusive relationship though. Don't expect him to change but change yourself. 💐

janemaca Wed 19-Aug-20 17:14:04

Thank you all so much for your advice and kindness. This has been a hard read as you all appear to confirm what I have feared. I also fear for a future alone. I realise that I have to face up to certain facts but it is hard. He always promises change, then there will be a nice holiday or period of peace and then, just when you think all is settling, another fit of anger will come out of nowhere. I can't tell you how often I'm spending in the spare room, but it's definitely escalating along with the sadness. It's silly but even now I feel like defending him in that "oh he does have many good points" etc. I will look at opening a bank account, contacting Womens Aid etc. We have a holiday coming up and I know he will be pleasant company whilst away. Now I dont know whether to cancel or not. My family and friends have no idea about my feelings, even though some have seen the blow ups. I can only think I feel ashamed and/or embarrassed about how things have become. Socially we are, and will appear to be in good spirits but during, and after, these incidents of rage and/or drunkenness I really detest him and how he feel. Ultimately I'm sure there are many woman out there like me who are finding it hard to walk away from a person they have been with for years. Thank God younger women are more independent than my generation!

AGAA4 Wed 19-Aug-20 17:44:28

janemaca Don't fear being alone. You will find peace away from this abusive man. Many of the GNs on here live alone and I for one love my independence.

ayse Wed 19-Aug-20 17:51:04

From reading your letter I suggest it’s the heavy drinking that is the underlying cause of his intolerable behaviour. My father was a lovely man but drank to excess and made my mother’s life a misery. I was always waiting for the next explosion.

In later life I foolishly married a man who drank and eventually I had to leave for my sanity. I agree with other contributors who have suggested some avenues for you to follow. Have you some family or friends that may be able to give you some support? Just explore every avenue.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Eloethan Wed 19-Aug-20 23:08:32

I'm wondering if he is unwell in some way. If this is just normal behaviour, then I think it would be a good idea to get some advice as to how you can separate.

Whether you have your own bank account or not, you are still entitled to financial support and a solicitor should be able to give you advice on this. I believe some solicitors offer 30 minutes free advice.

JuneRose Wed 19-Aug-20 23:22:25

Jane you could be describing my first husband. He was as changeable as you describe and an ugly drunk. I used to wonder what mood he'd be in. You sound like me, too kind for your own good and willing to make excuses for this bad tempered bully. I stayed for far too long and he made me feel guilty for 'hurting his feelings ' by leaving. He married again and beat his second wife so badly she ended up in hospital.

Perhaps start taking one small step at a time. Confide in one person you trust. You may find your friends and family aren't as surprised as you think.

You would be entitled to a share of your joint assets. Maybe see a solicitor for some advice on this.

Believe you are worth more than this - you were not put on this earth to pander to this man.

JuneRose Wed 19-Aug-20 23:24:42

By the way, I know that feeling of embarrassment and shame - I felt the same - but it's not you who should be ashamed. Be proud of who you are.

janemaca Fri 21-Aug-20 08:51:57

Thanks again. I have really taken all of this advice on board, though it has been difficult. What has stopped me walking before? No income/pension and he has always dealt with all the finances. Always hopeful for change and taking his word for it. However, your comments have empowered me and this will out (as soon as house guests leave) and it wont be pretty. You've made me realise that he must have little respect to keep hurting me emotionally in this way, and I'm tired of always having to watch the drinking! I just want a quieter life. Already preparing for the pleas and threats but I intend to hold strong this time 💪💪💪

janeainsworth Fri 21-Aug-20 08:55:06

It sounds as though you’ve reached a tipping point jane - stay strong & have the courage to change your life for the better, whichever direction you choose flowers

25Avalon Fri 21-Aug-20 09:07:26

You can do it Janemaca. Sounds as if he may be an alchoholic. They rarely change and will make all sorts of promises which they never keep. My dd was married to such a man and is in the middle of a divorce and feeling so much happier but it took time for her to find the courage to leave. Be careful how you handle him though and get the professional advice. In a divorce you will be entitled to half the assets including his pension if he has one so you will be able to manage.
Your friends and family will already be aware of his abuse to you. Reach out to them.

Coconut Fri 21-Aug-20 10:12:02

This is mental cruelty, the only difference to it being physical is that no one can see the bruises. As his wife, you are entitled to half of everything, so him saying “what would you do” is irrelevant and just said to manipulate you. My 2nd husband turned to drink after he lost his Company in the recession. I tried everything to support etc but after 2 years of verbal abuse, constant drunken rages, I gave up and walked away. I was then subjected to him crying and begging, but he’d killed my love by then, so there was no going back. Please get counselling, even if you go alone, then get legal advice if you decide to walk away. No one should have to live with this abuse and total lack of respect. Good luck ....

stanlaw Fri 21-Aug-20 10:15:45

For the very many of you reading this and recognizing this behaviour I would really recommend looking at the Freedom Programme which is run across the country and which I believe you can do online. Please do also see a good family law solicitor so you have a full picture of next steps and outcomes-the majority offer a fixed fee appointment and not only does that equip you but you can decide whether the solicitor you see is someone in whom you will have confidence to hold your hand through the inevitably painful process.

grannytotwins Fri 21-Aug-20 10:18:56

My XH behaved exactly like this. After I left him, he was diagnosed with a MH condition by a psychiatrist and has been on medication ever since. The drinking didn’t help either. Despite his diagnosis, he was horrible to his second wife when she was dying and mostly lives apart from his third.