Long term relationship breaking down

It does appear to be alcohol related unless he admits to the problem and his behaviour you cannot change him you must take care and protect yourself. As others have said get some advice, find out what options you have you don’t have to love like this. Good luck x

He is like a toddler having a tantrum. You can start by removing the audience.

Has he always been this way? If he is under a great deal of pressure at work and working long hours perhaps he is not coping. Is he drinking too much because of this? I know that this is no excuse for his terrible treatment of you. It sounds as though he may be ill/ depressed and is hitting out at the one who is the closest.. Encourage him to see his GP to talk about anger management and his drink problem. I'm sure the GP will be able to analyse what's going on .. and you must have heard the saying , 'you always hurt the one you love' Good luck xx

How sad reading your post. He is a bully and this is mental cruelty. I think you know the answer but unfortunately don’t have the strength to follow it through. Trust me it won’t get any better, this is your life for the golden years. Life on your own is not scary, ask the thousands of ladies that have left an unhappy marriage in there 60s who are now wishing they left years ago. Instead of spending time sitting in the spare room start to build a life of your own, small steps coffee with a friend, go for walk on your own. Treat yourself to a new dress. Stop surviving start living. Sending best wishes.

janemaca, just know that you can always come here, you can p.m. anyone of us, just know that you are NOT alone,

Sorry. But I think he’s having an affair.
Goes to work all day. Then goes to the gym and then drinks.
Doesn’t sit well with me. Then throws his dinner away.
He’s eating and drinking elsewhere. Bad moods towards you are not good. But I would definitely siphon some money from your joint account into an of your own.

The only thing I will add is - if you do decide to leave, your life will be very different, maybe not as comfortable etc. But, the peace you will have in your heart and your head will make up for all of that. No more constant tension or worry.

I am sure you have friends who have seen how your life has been and hope that you have some you can turn to for support.

The choice you need to make is not easy and you must, of course, seek advice and be clear of your options. But do not keep putting off the decision as it needs to be made one way or the other.

power and strength to you ~ janemaca you deserve it. Its surprising what you can do when you make u your mind.
"Thanks again. I have really taken all of this advice on board, though it has been difficult. What has stopped me walking before? No income/pension and he has always dealt with all the finances. Always hopeful for change and taking his word for it. However, your comments have empowered me and this will out (as soon as house guests leave) and it wont be pretty. You've made me realise that he must have little respect to keep hurting me emotionally in this way, and I'm tired of always having to watch the drinking! I just want a quieter life. Already preparing for the pleas and threats but I intend to hold strong this time ???"

Having waited so long, I'd advise having an exit plan in place before you say anything, if you can. As others have said, call Women's Aid or Citizens Advice to discuss your options. Solicitors will often give a free half hour's general advice. Look at the Turn2Us website to see what benefits you might be entitled to. Not having much money brings its own stresses but you will be in control of your own life and not at the mercy of your husband's moods. All the best.

I have been in a similar situation and I absolutely agree with those who have advised you to see a family law solicitor. That was my first step and, armed with the knowledge that the money I was entitled to would allow me to live independently, I had the confidence to initiate divorce proceedings.
I took things a day at a time and I know that forcing the break was the right decision for both of us.
Good Luck!

One thing which struck me was that when you threaten to leave he doesn't beg you not to because he loves you but just points out that you are dependent on him. He may well care for you but at the moment you are a completely dependent punchbag for someone else's vile behaviour and it must be taking a terrible toll. I agree with geekesse. You need help and support and even if that means attending relate alone or finding another counsellor you need some positive support. Please do be aware that if you were to divorce you would not be left completely penniless but in the meanwhile please take care of yourself by getting help.

Please seek counselling, if only for yourself.
Book an appointment with Citizens Advice to see what your options are, certainly as far as benefits are concerned and open a bank account for yourself - maybe CA will be able to advise you which would be the best bank for you.
Have you ever told him that you are thinking of leaving him?
I have no doubt that in the short term, he possibly will be a reformed character - it might bring him up short to make him realise that his behaviour is not acceptable - many people have pressurised jobs, but drinking and treating you badly in front of friends and family is not the way to go! My guess is that things are not all good with his job and by treating you the way that he has, is the only way that he feels in control, sadly.

I'm in my 60's and getting out of a long marriage. My husband makes snide derogatory comments and has done for many years slowly eroding my self esteem. To others outside he is a quiet, almost shy man, wouldn't say boo to a goose. He has lost his temper badly to the children a couple of times but they have grown up forgiven and forgotten where I have not and continue to live with quiet bullying. Well last year after one more snidey comment and a " huh where would you go and what with" I went to a solicitor. In a couple weeks we will be divorced, I have enough money from sale of the house to buy a small property and the biggest surprise is a half share in his substantial pension and savings. I am excited for the future, have a little part time job and am finally looking forward to the rest if my life. Dont put up with it because you think you won't manage, you can and will

Has he always been like this or is it a recent change ? He may have depression or some other mental health problem that needs support. If he’s always been like this then as others have said you should leave because imagine what it will be like when he’s retired and you’re with him all day ?

If you believe alcohol is the main trigger here, I can recommend joining your local AlAnon group. Part of AA, it is for family/friends affected by someone else’s drinking. I found it extremely useful some years ago when having to face the truth re. a close family member and found it supportive, giving me the courage to do what I needed to do. Good luck

This situation can only get worse, get a bank or savings account of your own first. Then try to get more independence. He thinks he's got you where he wants you. You must be strong, your confidence will grow. Good luck

I put up with 3 years of this before I plucked up the courage to walk away. I left once and he sweet talked me into going back, I was much younger, but I was homeless, jobless and penniless. I rebuilt my life though, I met a decent man a couple of years later. He won’t change. Get out before it turns to physical violence as well as psychological violence.

Janemaca , as another reader suggested, contact Citizens Advice. They will be able to tell you what benefits you could be entitled to if you left your husband. You may well be surprised at what you could get. This won't commit you to anything but will give you some knowledge if and when you do make a move. Also they will be able to give you details of local Women's Aid organisations. At least you will feel you have done something positive.

You/we all deserve respect and kindness especially from someone we are married to. He will never change. You can leave him and make a lovely new life for yourself, and develop a circle of kind friends.
Just pack what you can and go when he is out. Stay with family or friends. Apply for emergency housing and tell them you are homeless due to abuse from your husband. Mental abuse can be as bad as physical abuse.
You will be able to claim benefits and housing costs.
Members on here will virtual hold your hand and support you every step of the way.
Do not tolerate this any longer her is a bully. Be kind to yourself x

It's the drink, I think. I had a similar situation and went to Al Anon meetings for family of alcoholics, though your husband sounds more like a heavy drinker than alcoholic, there is a difference. Fortunately my husband was able to give up almost entirely and it is only when he has a glass of red wine occasionally that nasty person can be glimpsed again. He never touches whisky now, whisky being the main culprit.

Different drinks can have different effects on different people. Also it must be remembered the effects of drink can last a couple of days after when the person has been drinking.

I think there is a nice man hiding in there somewhere.

Hi Jane...it saddens me to have to read this today. But you are on the receiving end of cruel behaviour. People only get away with how much you let them. The longer you stay in this situation...the worst it will get. I am shocked that the people around you both that have witnessed your husbands behaviour have not shown concern for you. How anyone who has witnessed the situation has not picked a telephone up to you to check you are ok says to me that they are not real friends. It may come to a point whereby you will be forced into doing something about it. Your confidence and self worth must be at rock bottom and it must be affecting your mental health. I don't like the comment your husband has made to you when you have said you cannot put up with anymore of his moodiness & behaviour ... his answer 'What will you do'?? It does come across that he thinks he has got you were he wants you. You are old school by the sound of it...you have let him take control of everything...that is never a good idea. Do you have grown up children...you do not mention this? Could you not go and stay with them for a bit for breathing space...in that time contact a Solicitor to know your entitlements as a wife...I am sure you will be entitled to half of everything..if not more. Contact women's aid to see what they have to say. If you can go online...type in Citizens Advice Website Uk..there should be a lot of advice on there for you...you can also telephone and speak to someone from the Citizens Advice Bureau on 03444111444. Gather your information and find out your rights and then if and when you are ready start to act on the advice given. Taking yourself away from the situation may shock your husband into doing something about his behaviour and make him realise your self worth. Your husband does not know how lucky he is to have you put up with him for so long...You are worth more and have not been put on this earth to put up with his vile behaviour towards you. You have to learn to believe in yourself.. get Counselling for yourself and from all of this you will become stronger. Remember this "Whatever does not kill you WILL make you stronger" and it does!! It wont be easy...but you have not had an easy time in your marriage and you are STILL hear to tell the story. xxxx

You can see you will have lots of support here. Do get some advice and open your own account before you say or do anything. If you have a friend who would look after a packed case for you I have a friend who did that and it was a help when she left.

My heart hurts for you. I agree with Grannygrumpsl ... this man is mentally very cruel, abusive and demeaning and you need to make a plan to leave this untenable situation. Your life will be full of joy after a while and you’ll be strong and free. I’ve been in two relationships since my late husband died. The last one made me seriously ill and it was at that point I realised I had to go. My self esteem and worth has soared. I lost weight intentionally, my health problems are being managed and I look and feel really well! Do take care of YOURSELF now.. you owe it to yourself. Good Luck. x

Maybe his 'What would you do?' is not what would YOU do but what do you think I should do? Just a thought.

If he were a girl you would see these outbursts as a result of being Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired (HALT well known as producing end of the day rows). When you add alcohol to this mix - disaster. The very first thing - he needs to know it is a MAJOR problem - at the mo he may think its 'just you' - it has to be a problem for him too. Then - got to eat through the day, reduce caffeine (choc too). He needs to want to change - learning to eat and drink like a healthy person is not hard - its knowing that for 'you' is it a must do. Hugs

hello. I am sorry if I have failed to have noticed whether this man may has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Untreated medical bipolar disorder results in addiction, drinking, etc. I am bipolar myself. It is very difficult to live with this disorder. It is hard for the patient and hard for friends and family. Counselling is also always in order. Your husband needs to be evaluated by a competent psychiatrist and this diagnosis will take time to ascertain whether this is his condition. I drank constantly until the age of 37. Once diagnosed, and medicated, I have not had a single drink. I am 64. I have taken lithium all of this time which is a mood stabilizer. It helped dramatically. Last year, at age 63 after many years of usage, my kidneys became damaged. I am presently unable to find a different mood stabilizer. I frequently stay in my room. This is because during flareups, I am afraid that I will lose control of myself and hurt friends. It is very difficult to live with someone with this condition, but it is a biologically and genetically passed illness.
Your husband probably hates himself more than anyone. No one wants to experience this pain. Please seek counselling and advice yourself. May God bless your family.