Long term relationship breaking down

When he says what would you do, tell him you'd settle for a pleasant life with someone who doesn't mentally abuse you. Tell him you'd take your divorce settlement and live in a caravan rather than spend the rest of your life being shouted at and belittled by him.

I would seek advice from a solicitor, on the quiet. This is abusive behaviour.
You also need to think of your own safety. A solicitor could advise you on this, because leaving a man as angry like this, will be a danger point.

Ring Refuge the domestic abuse helpline too.

You deserve a calmer life than this, and it is NOT your fault.

Good luck janemaca.

What a terrible situation, janemaca. I suspect he has always been like this except that it is getting worse, probably because you have been so patient and forgiving. What was done was done so as others have said now is the time to start thinking about yourself.

Alcoholics, which is what I think he is,,are usually unwilling to admit they have a problem and suggesting that they need help is often like the proverbial red rag to a bull. However, I seem to remember there is a branch of Alcoholics Anon which can provide help and support to the family of heavy drinkers so this might be useful for you.
You mention family. How close are they - children, brothers and sisters? Could they or your friends give you support, not financial perhaps, if you decide to leave him?
Most important, before you make any move, consult a solicitor. Money well spent, especially if it is his!

Quite a few years ago I worked for a housing association and will never forget a lady in her 70s who was finally able to escape domestic abuse and move into one of our flats on her own. She had very little money but told me every time I saw her how happy she was and how much she loved that she could have her sister to stay (she had never been allowed to during her marriage) I'm sure that you will be much better off than she was financially (as others have advised) and I hope you will be as happy. As a very happy single grandmother with two failed marriages behind me I wish you all the best, and enjoy the peace once it arrives x

You absolutely don't have to put up with this. I don't know how far his anger takes him; is there physical abuse as well? It doesn't have to be hitting, it can be pushing, shoving, throwing things at you, etc. When I was in this situation, I saw a solicitor and got emergency legal aid to get my ex escorted from the house. That happened within a very short time frame, a restraining order and power of arrest issued until a full hearing a month later. At that time, the restraining order was continued and that gave me the chance to sort out a divorce, etc.
Presuming you are retirement age, you will be entitled to some form of pension, pension top ups in the form of benefits, housing benefit if you rent, council tax benefit or Universal Credit. You absolutely can do this and there are charities out there who will help you claim.
You only get one shot at life, you can be terribly lonely within a relationship and that can be much harder than being on your own. Once your husband realises he has gone too far, he will no doubt promise you the world. Believe it or not, despite all he has subjected you to, this will probably be the hardest bit to get over. If you don't go along with his plans, he will probably swing between anger and pleading. Resist no matter how hard that is. Get your independence, re-evaluate what you want out of life and give yourself a chance of real happiness, not being at the whim of somebody else's unhappiness.

You are saying your husband is drinking heavily .Could he be an alcoholic? He visits the gym could he be on steriods, as he has mood swings! Which can happen on steriods, he works long hours, doesn’t eat properly, no wonder he gets snappy, he sounds as though his life is spiralling, and you being treated like a verbal punchbag from him, I certainly couldn’t put up with this! And more so being shouted at in front of guests, he’d have his bags packed, who does he think he is, no amount of I love yous, would make a difference to me, I’d have lost respect for him, you cannot go on like this it’s ridiculous, I’d be seeing a solicitor pronto,

I don’t think counselling is the answer - he will simply deny there is anything wrong.
I believe that whenever he has these temper ‘tantrums’ he should be treated just as you would a spoilt child - walk away, if necessary go out, as a temper is no good without an audience

There is a book called Co Dependant No More by Melody Beattie which I recommend. It helped me see how I enabled unacceptable behaviour. It is not about the partner but about you.

I haven’t read all the comments, but this is definitely an abusive relationship. Everything on his terms; I’ve been there. You don’t have to live like this, treading on eggshells, wondering what kind of mood he’s going to be in from one minute to the next. I would advise you to go away for a few days and seek the advice of a solicitor (you should be able to get half an hour free) while you’ve got some space of your own. Life is too short to be dragged down by anyone.

Hope this helps, I'm just into a divorce at 60yrs, 40 years of marriage, apparently its a clear case of a 50:50 split of assets whoevers name they are in, but try counselling first, either on your own which I found helpful or as a couple if he will

I’m so sorry to say this but this really is control and domestic abuse. Get some help quickly and get out of there. I do hope you have joint accounts Withdraw half and go

My ex was nowhere near as bad as your OH janemaca but however difficult his finally walking away made it for me financially and so on, the peace I was then able to live with was worth every difficulty. I was 67.
I wish you all the luck in the world to sort out a life away from this man.

Unless he really wants to stop drinking, he won't! Take it from me, my husband is an acoholic who has fought long and hard to stay off drink. It can be done, but it is hard work.

His outbursts of temper sound to me as if they are caused by his drinking or at least made worse by them.

Speak to a solicitor, and find out what you are entitled to of social security, plus what you will be entitled to if you divorce.

Why have you no bank account? Have you never had a job?

You could start looking for a job, but getting one is not easy at your age.

However, unless your husband really wants to change and you are prepared for much backsliding along the way on his behalf, do please try to find a way to leave.

This sounds like such abusive behaviour that I'd find it quite frightening being with someone like that. It is possible that as he seems quite controlling and threatening that it could be HE has to be the one to leave, not you. All good luck to you. Hope it works out.

Has he always been like this or has he changed recently? You mention his drinking but, you also mention the gym. This is probably a bit “off the walL” but I am wondering if he is getting any unhelpful substances from the gym.

Someone in the gym that I went to was caught supplying steroids and these can definitely have an adverse affect on temper.

Whatever you decide to do, take care and good luck. No-one deserves to be treated the way you describe.

I'm so sorry to read your post. I was in your shoes once and I left. I won't lie, it was hard to start but it was the best thing I could do, and I have NO regrets. This is no longer about him, it's about YOU.

If you have no income of your own, you will be able to claim benefits. I have no idea where you live, but until everything is sorted you will need somewhere to live. One of the options you have is allowed almshouses, if you do a search for almshouse association, there is a list of vacancies and their criteria. The staff managing the properties are often able to help you sort out your finances, and help you with managing your money.

Think about whether you want to stay in the area you're in now or whether a new start would be better, and safer, and make a plan. Try to pick a time when he is in a good mood and see if you can weedle some cash from him.

This is like holding up a mirror to a very long relationship I had with a narcissistic workaholic who drank too much. The anger, the disrespect, the nastiness, then the periods of charm and niceness - all managing to keep you teetering up and down, never on a stable base.

In the end I came to my senses and ended it; okay, I had my own house and had just retired so had a pension so perhaps it was easier for me than in your position, Jane, but for everything I lost I gained even more in getting back my self-respect, my dignity and my peace of mind, which is beyond price.

If you decide to leave it will take courage and there will be horrible times, but you will be stronger and happier for it in the long run. And there will be lots of GNs cheering you on!

Please believe me when I say , there’s the peace of mind and hope of peaceful interactions with friends to look forward to. You will feel u are losing the “you” that you know. To be made to feel inconsequential is so damaging and then instead of an apology you are made to feel it’s somehow your issue. I decided after many years I would not be the agitated, here she goes again person I felt was in the cards then and in a future with my ex. Yes, ex although we had been married for years I could not live without the hope of better things to come or even things becoming worse. See a solicitor ASAP. If anything it gives you the knowledge legally and financially to begin to put your thoughts and actions together. Of course it will be difficult but you sound as if it’s already difficult and no hope of it improving. The alcohol problem is getting the better of him and once again proves that you don’t have to be in the “gutter” to have addiction problems, my ex is still drinking heavily 9 years later. There is hope, maybe even love out there, but best Of all ... the person you are and know will re emerge. I promise xxxxxxxx

You also need to think of your own safety. A solicitor could advise you on this, because leaving a man as angry like this, will be a danger point.

This is very important.

Sounds a bit like my husband, he will go a long time before a meal and worse is not drinking enough. He has been having turns I don't know what else to call them getting more frequent. When he would be angry. Of course take it out on me, and I also notice he slurs and I don't understand him. Then he eats, falls asleep and doesn't remember a thing. I believe he has a low level of something in his body. But won't go to Dr's and of course at this present time they don't want to see you. Try getting your husband to eat more regularly.

All excellent kind advice,just remember there is nothing a woman can not do,you have many years ahead of you to enjoy
go for it——-a friend once said to me “The worst year of my life turned into the best year of my life”,she is still very happy,best of luck.

I was shocked by your description of your life with this man. I would be heading for the door. My sister did this after 37 very unhappy years with someone like your husband. It took a cancer diagnosis to make her sit up and decide that she was sick of being unhappy.

She left the marital home with only one suitcase. She had saved up and had enough money to rent a small flat. I had never seen her happier.

She was lucky enough to meet a charming man and had 9 happy years with him before she died.

I'm not saying that you have to find a man to be happy, but being independent and free to make your own decisions without being bullied is very important.

I am pleased to see that you are thinking along the lines of advice given to you. Please, please don't stop being afraid of being on your own stop you from leaving. You will be able to make your own life however you want it and being on your own is far better than staying with a bad tempered abusive man. Did you by any chance marry my x husband!

I feel so sorry for you. I won't go into details but I have first hand experience of what you are going through. Your husband is a bully and he will never change. He will use everything in his arsenal to keep you from leaving because he will see his power over you diminishing and bullies can't stand that. You will have to be very strong to escape. You are in my prayers. Xxx

This is abuse and mental cruelty - get advice as the others suggest. Just because you are in your 60s and don’t have a bank account doesn’t mean you don’t have rights