Long term relationship breaking down

Plan your actions and do not digress no matter how much he begs you.... if you don’t do it now then just settle down for an ongoing life of misery !!! Wishing you everything good and positive in life xx

Believe me, you will cope alone. Lots of us here have done it. My little house and having just enough money to survive on was heaven, compared to living in an unhappy marriage. Be strong!

Nothing more to add to the advice already given, other than to say take some legal advice before you act. If you are comtemplating separation / divorce, I assume you have had a long marriage as short marriages do not usually result in 50:50 split of assets and pension sharing. You also have to remember that your husband's pension income may not be available yet, so you also need to consider some kind of part time work as you are some years away from state pension. Hopefully you have enough assets between you to buy a property each outright or enough savings for one to buy the other out.

This is a sad tale that many women & maybe some men will identify with.
You have to ask yourself, if this person gets sick & needs me as a nurse maid can I put his appalling behaviour to one side & use up my life looking after him?
When I lie on my death bed and reflect on my life, will I regret not taking steps toward a happier more peaceful life? What regrets will I have about staying in this roller coaster, shifting sand life?
Be brave, take that massive step. Believe me, life might be better living in a cardboard box, master of your own destiny, than the nonesense which currently colours your life. Best wishes from one who has been there & come happily out t'other side.

I was 63 when my husband walked out on me for another woman. I knew 3 months beforehand that he would be going. I was devastated, we had been married for 40 years. I opened up a bank account straight away and started to syphon money off into it. I know that may sound deceitful but I had nothing in my own right and didn’t work, I’m also deaf so no chance of getting employment for the 3 years before I could draw a pension. When I went food shopping I used to buy gift vouchers so I would have at least have some food money for the future.
in spite of what he said I did survive without him, I fought for my house and got it, leaving his pension to him. I became my mothers paid carer at the suggestion of my local citizens advice bureau, they can advise you on a lot of things so worth going to. I’m now drawing my pension and keeping myself. It was good proving I didn’t need him after all. I started dating again (weird and scary) after all those years but found a lovely man whose wife walked out on him because she was having an affair. Her loss, my gain. I still live alone but enjoy the freedom of not having to rely on a man and the excitement of dating, it’s really not so scary after all.
Good luck

I'm sorry that I don't have anything worthwhile to add. I agree with what the majority of others are saying. It is scary if/when you decide to 'go it alone' but better to be content and happy than live with an unpredictable bully.
Since you're on Gransnet, I assume you have children/grandchildren that you can talk to or even stay with?
I just want to wish you well with whatever you decide. x

Leopards don’t change their spots. I’d put money on the fact that he was like this (to a lesser extent) when you met him. Your embarrassment is the glue that holds you together.

Well done on your decision JaneMacca you have a lot of women rooting for you.

In my experience, talking about his drinking didn't resolve the problem; he just got better at hiding it. Regular heavy drinkers seem to be able to do that. Then of course because he insisted he wasn't drinking , the problems were either in my head or things I did.
I think the polite term for that is gaslighting. I call it mind F...g
I wish you all the strength you need to get out of this situation and stay out.

I hesitate to say the following, because I don't want to diminish your resolve; but... We all know it isn't easy to do. If you falter, don't keep it to yourself, keep coming back here for encouragement.

Plan in case you have to leave quickly to keep yourself safe. Quietly pack an escape survival bag with vital documents (Eg passport, certificates) a small amount of money and any small, irreplaceable/sentimental items such as photos , jewellery etc. Add a few clothes like pj’s, a spare set of clean clothes, list of prescription medication, password reminders. Take the bag to a trusted friend or relative and ask them to look after it for you (without letting your partner know) just in case of an emergency. Even if you don’t have an independent income at the moment research opening a bank account via the post office. If you do decide to end the relationship you will be a little better prepared for the transition. The situation and behaviour often gets worse at the point of leaving and for a couple of months afterwards. Keep safe, we all deserve to feel relaxed, safe and happy in our own homes.

I was 63 when my marriage finally broke down. So many friends then told me they had wondered why I had put up with his behaviour. They rallied round to support me. Citizens Advice were very good and gave me lots of helpful advice which gave me the confidence to do what I knew had to do. I packed up and moved a long way away and re-started my life. I was really scared at the time but looking back now I really wonder why did I stay so long. Its wonderful being free to make decisions and choices for no-one but yourself. Wishing you all the courage and good luck for your future. ?

This is emotional and financial abuse. Get legal advice and some support from Women’s Aid. Most solicitors will give a free half hour to explain your rights/ next steps etc. You are entitled to half of everything. I don’t know how long you have been married but I left a marriage of 42 years at the age of 61. It can be done, I’ve been happy on my own for 6 years now .

Oh Janemaca you could be describing my ex husband. He would instigate a row just so he could go off to the pub he would come home stinking drunk and I never knew what mood he would come home in. In my case I discovered he was having an affair. We broke up and he went to live with his mistress. When I put in for the divorce she asked him to leave because he had a drink problem! He tried to come crawling back but leopards don't change their spots and I resisted. I was younger than you age 42 with two sons 10 and 14 but I managed. He ended up running away to Thailand to avoid child maintenance. I am now 64 and in a relationship with a wonderful man. We have a lovely house and home and have been together for 12 years. We were meant to marry earlier this year sadly Covid has put that on hold. My point is you are stronger than you think and you will survive. You don't have to put up with his behavior. You have a love hate relationship but the hate periods become longer and longer! Been there done that and got the T Shirt!

This is your one and only life. You should not have to live it like this. Unfortunately when we are in this type of relationship we can't be objective and it is certainly not easy to make life changing decisions but you will be happier when you have independence and it's only one step away. Very best wishes for your future ? xx

My ex also controlled all our finances so when I decided to escape him I started buying supermarket gift vouchers in with the shopping (he never gave me cash, I had to put everything on the credit card) so he wouldn’t know. I also took photocopies of all his bank statements as evidence of how much money was in savings. This was a godsend in the divorce when he tried to hide money.

He won`t change believe me.
I walked out of a 32 year marriage because of the way he was,just like your H,and iv`e never looked back.

Your story could be my story but I found the courage last year to leave after 30+ years. To stay safe, put in plans, have everything you might need half packed by organising clothes etc and please, please, please get some advice from a local women’s refuge / centre? I live in the South and can recommend one if you are local but there will be information online if you live elsewhere. Whilst you plan your escape keep observing his behaviour and that will reinforce your bravery when you finally walk. Even now, a year on I have to check out my hidden Pinterest Narcissist Board to remind me of what I put up with for so long as I ridiculously feel so sorry for him. Start to put yourself first. It was hard for me to leave but so worth it! I can now live peacefully, not dreading going home and worrying what mood he would be in! Stay safe, make plans, put you first - he doesn’t! Xx

what an awful man, get a good solicitor and leave him for your own sanity.

I am absolutely overwhelmed by the support and advice offered up from fellow GNs. My H (not so dear presently) has willingly agreed to attend counselling and wants to save our 30 year marriage. I know he has realised that things are different with me, I have changed and reached a crossroads. Thank you for your concern, re: packing a bag etc, not having my own money etc, but I am not and have never been afraid of this man, and we do have a joint account. It has not been an unhappy marriage but has had many ups and downs like so many. However, I cannot and will not tolerate this behaviour, and you have made me realise that I don't have to! I do feel it deserves what will be this last chance. It's not going to be easy, will probably be long term and may not work out but at least we have both given it "a last shot". Thanks again for your help, advice and support.

I hope it works out for you jane.
It sounds as though you have new-found confidence & I think you’re wise to give your relationship another chance.
But stick to your resolve that the change in him must be a permanent one.
Good luck.

Thank you. Indeed I have, and it's all down to taking on the advice and really thinking about it. Already getting sulky vibes about the agreed counselling but have made it clear that this is the deal breaker! No going back now xx

Don’t let him sweet talk you into giving up on the counselling after one session as that is what most men do. Also keep observing as after the initial talks he may drift back into previous behaviours. Good Luck, stay strong and build your friendships outside the marriage so that you have support should you ever need it.

I agree, my situation was the same. The peace of mind is priceless . You will find yourself again instead of second guessing every move you make and being made to feel inconsequential. Not one person I know who has left a relationship like this had regretted it. Saddest thing ? Many women live their lives like this and are made to feel that they have to “put up and shut up” WE DONT !!!

I’ve private messaged u

Just throwing this out there but you say he’s not eating and going to the gym. Is it possible that he’s abusing steroids? He might be using alcohol to come down.
Whatever his behaviour isn’t acceptable and the only other thing I would advise alongside some excellent advice you’ve already had is start talking about it to family and friends, set up a support network and don’t cover for him. It can take a village to make someone confront their behaviour. Stay safe and I mean from him

I also question the physical component. A diabetic, drinker and possible steroid abuser is a ticking time bomb. You cannot make excuses to friends or yourself for this. No doubt he feels confident you will not make any changes. Abusers rely on others to conform no matter what they say or do. Get help for yourself first and foremost. No doubt that help will enable you to reclaim your dignity. All the best.