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Do I call Social Services? I really could use some help?

(91 Posts)
SadNanna29 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:03:59

This is a long post. Please bear with me. I am scared that I will lose my beautiful grand daughter.

My DIL and Son had a beautiful little girl nearly three years ago. From day one I have had concerns about the way he speaks to her and treats her. My DIL had a traumatic birth and resulted in a full prolapse and stoma bag. My son stayed with DIL for the whole duration of her hospital stay and wasn't really concerned about his daughter. Who was being looked after by her mother.

My sons relationship with his daughter is one that scares and worries me. Ever since she was born he has taken great delight in calling her names such as bitch, retard to name just two. When I have asked him to stop his reply was that "it's funny". I am mortified. He then continued to control her in ways such as, not being allowed to go into the garden, not too much Sun. If I asked if I could take her for a walk the answer is always no. For no other reason than he knows it upsets me and when I asked why, I'm told, "she's my daughter I can do what I want with her.

DIL and Son actually separated mid year this year and so now Son sees her Tues, Thurs, Fri and Sat. Sometimes Sunday. You may think this is great but he only does it so he can see his ex-wife. He is utterly fixated with his ex wife. There is no concern for his little girl or her development. He works from home and often sits for 8 hours on his laptop while she wanders around the front room playing with the toys I've bought. Throughout Summer he wouldn't let her in the garden because he didn't like the Sun. She isn't allowed milk because she's "milk intolerant". She has never been tested. She had ring worm and when I mentioned that he could get her some cream he said that it was the washing pods he was using? Whenever she went to itch it, he shout at her to stop doing it.

He seems to take delight in making her cry. He picked her up a few weeks ago and proceeded to spin her around and she was hysterical. I challenged him and asked why making his daughter cry like that was fun. He said, "because it's funny."

She is absolutely terrified of the bath. She didn't used to be. But recently he decided that she needed a bath at 5pm. She looked at me and started crying saying that "I don't like it Nanna". She really was sobbing. When I asked why doesn't she like it he said, "she's putting it on and they are crocodile tears." When they were staying with us in the beginning of the separation I witnessed him washing her hair. She hates the water in her eyes. I had to go in and beg him to stop. She was screaming so much that she had wet herself. I bought a hair washing cap so it didn't go in her eyes. He refused to use it saying that "we don't do tears in this house."

I am now at the point where I dread the days I know that this innocent little girl goes to stay with my Son. When I go and visit she runs to me and constantly sticks by my side.

I'm not allowed to speak to his ex wife as per his instructions. Despite my saying that I want to continue having a relationship with her. But if I do speak to her he will stop my seeing my grand daughter.

A couple of weeks ago she had a bruise on her forehead. When I asked how she did it, he said she was throwing some socks around and she fell over some weights and banged her head. Yet when I asked my grand daughter, she said "Daddy smacked me."

Please help. I don't know what to do.

Madgran77 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:10:52

The milk; the sun avoidance...not an issue, , sun burn is harmful, milk intolerance causes problems .

The rest of what you describe is very worrying. I think you should contact NSPCC and ask for advice and help. This will support you in contacting Social Services. ASAP flowers

GillT57 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:11:04

Sorry, I know he is your son, but report the bastard.

V3ra Mon 24-Aug-20 15:13:53

What a very sad life your little granddaughter is living.
Yes yes yes you must report what's going on.
Who knows where it will end otherwise? It doesn't bear thinking about.
I'm so sorry for you but her welfare must come first. Be brave x

GrandmaMoira Mon 24-Aug-20 15:17:22

The NSPCC helpline is very helpful. Please call them.

GillT57 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:18:19

Madgran the poster has said that there has not been any tests for dairy intolerance, this is all about control over a child. SadNanna you must speak to your DiL, your son is controlling you as much as he is frightening his daughter. Thankfully your GD has you, imagine how it would be for the poor mite without you?

sharon103 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:18:34

This must stop! You must report him right now and inform your daughter in law. Poor , poor child. I could cry just reading this.

BBbevan Mon 24-Aug-20 15:19:34

I used to be the dedicated person for Child Protection at my Primary school. From what you have described, I would say definitely get in touch with SS. You sound a very loving Grandma. Good luck.

GG65 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:24:09

Your poor granddaughter.

I would call your ex DIL and tell her exactly what you have told us. If you report your son (which you must) she will be notified, so it is best to inform her of your concerns/intentions.

Surely your ex DIL must have noticed this behaviour from your son too?

lemongrove Mon 24-Aug-20 15:29:21

I can’t believe you even have to ask the question OP.

Charleygirl5 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:32:29

Could you also have a word with the GP so that they are aware.

I am aware he is your son but he sounds like a monster.

gillybob Mon 24-Aug-20 15:44:20

I think this was a very brave post for you to write SadNanna and I have to admire your courage for writing it all down.

I can't even begin to imagine how anxious you must be feeling every time your little granddaughter spends time with her father (your son). My worry is that if he behaves as he does when you are there I can't imagine what this poor little lamb goes through when you are not.

I totally agree with GG65's post when she says you must share your concerns with you DiL. Tell her that you feel so concerned for your little granddaughter that you must insist that the appropriate action must be taken .

In the mean time maybe its worth contacting Childline or the NSPCC and voicing your concerns to them who will be able to offer good advice.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope its the right decision for your poor little granddaughter x

BlueBelle Mon 24-Aug-20 15:50:03

Please please don’t leave this any longer someone must be informed this cannot carry on I m in tears thinking about this poor little child and the fear she must be living through
You have to talk to your daughter in law first, a solicitor if needed, GP, NSPCC she has to be protected This person sounds as if he blames the little girl for her mother’s health problems and subsequently her leaving him I understand he’s your son and it’s terribly difficult to do things against your own child but this little lady HAS to be protected as soon as possible

Madgran77 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:01:54

Madgran the poster has said that there has not been any tests for dairy intolerance, this is all about control over a child

What I meant was that those two things per se are not an issue whereas the rest of what is described most definitely is!! If reported then SS will soon identify the milk intolerance as being genuine or not! My point being that if the OP reports, it is best to stick to the obviously and immediately concerning to get things moving fast. As I know from experience!

Pantglas2 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:01:59

Report it - for her sake and yours. Before something really bad happens.

Madgran77 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:06:19

I can’t believe you even have to ask the question OP

Empathetically, I can see why someone in this awful, frightening position might need to ask, if only to validate their fears etc. It is simple to look in on a situation and imagine one's own reaction but until one has walked in the shoes of someone in this position it is impossible to know because one has not experienced the specifics of this situation, the fears (of and/or for the son), the fears for the GD, the fears of losing contact and deserting the GD by default, the fears of so many many things!!

GillT57 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:09:25

Coming on here has been a very brave step as Gillybob says. If it was the other way around, and say your GD was being abused by her Mother or Stepfather for instance, you would not have any doubts about what you must do. We all appreciate how hard it must be for you to see this dreadful behaviour from your son, but it is abuse, and must be stopped. This has really upset me, like others, please speak to your DiL, then report him.

silverlining48 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:09:28

This is abuse both physical and emotional. You are clearly a loving gran which is why you cant ignore your son's behaviour and this should be reported because abuse such as this is damaging.
Its hard it but he is treating a very small girl badly and it has to stop. You know this of course.
He seems to have a lot of access, is there a reason why he has her so much?
Please speak to your daughter in law, because one or both of you have to do the right thing for your granddaughter and ring the local social services or NSPCC and talk to them about your concerns.

Jaxjacky Mon 24-Aug-20 16:18:20

I agree with everyone else, you must act now NSPCC, if you do contact DIL and your son finds out, I imagine your GD May suffer more. Deep breath, make the call, we are all with you. X

phoenix Mon 24-Aug-20 16:18:59

Report him now, get professional advice and help now!

Sorry, although he is your son, he sounds like a sadistic bastard, who should NOT be allowed anywhere near that child!

Smileless2012 Mon 24-Aug-20 16:24:43

Oh yes you must report this ASAP SadNanna. As Jaxjacky has said "we are all with you".

Toadinthehole Mon 24-Aug-20 16:41:57

This made me cry...and confirmed what I’ve always felt that, no matter how well you think you’ve done as a parent, and you sound as if you did that to the best of your ability, there’s always going to be one who’s slipped through the net. Your son is one of them, and needs stopping before he kills her. She needs her granny to protect her...don’t wait a moment longer. Get onto Social Services now, and have all access stopped immediately. Thinking of you and praying. Know how hard it must be💐

Grandmabatty Mon 24-Aug-20 17:13:36

You know his behaviour is not normal and he is abusing this little girl. He sounds cruel and deliberately tormenting her. You need to inform authorities. Would your dil believe you if you told her or would it make things worse? This poor wee soul is at risk. Please act.

Kate1949 Mon 24-Aug-20 17:19:04

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you as it is your son. Please report it for the sake of that poor child.

westendgirl Mon 24-Aug-20 17:26:34

How hard this must have been for you and I hope the advice and support from other grans will give you the strength you need as you report the awful behaviour .
I wish you all the very best.