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Help! Sister causing problems

(29 Posts)
Allie2 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:03:14

I’m 58, my sister 57. I’ve managed a rental flat for my parents since a teenager. This year, my sister is finally helping by painting the walls. She’s been living with my parents for 3 years now while building a huge home next door to them. All was fine until 6 months ago.

My sister ran out of money to finish her home. Mom is 79, Dad 89. She expects them to help her financially. Meanwhile, my sister owns land (which she’ll never build on) and refuses to sell it. It is worth approximately 180,000. She could finish her home and have money left over.

As I also help my parents with paying bills on the internet (as they don’t know how to use it), I found out that my mom has paid in her credit card 15,000 towards my sisters debts. When I asked mom about it, she admitted that she did and also said that she gave my sister a further 7,000 in cash. My mom said that she told my sister that she doesn’t want to be paid back. That’s over 22,000!

Now, I don’t mind that my parents helped my sister out. And I’m sure my sister needs more money as her house is still not complete. Where I’m having a problem is that my parents are not adding this extra amount that my sister received on their will. They keep telling me not to be jealous of your sister. I’m not jealous. It’s about fairness. In 6 months, my sister received 22,000. How do I know that the amount will continue to rise and may reach 80,000. If my parents were to die today, and their estate to be divided among my sister and I equally, I would be getting 22,000 less than my sister. How is this fair?

As my sister lives with them (she has been divorced for 20 years, no children) she eats and lives at their home free of charge. She also gets free television. My sister is now in the process of convincing my parents to pay for her tv subscription at her new home! It never ends. I cannot take it anymore. She is taking advantage of my parents and won’t stop.

How does she get her own way? My mom has said that my sister has a temper tantrum and cries, pulling out her hair and yelling “I’m going to kill myself if I can’t pay”. My mom feeling sorry, pays her bills. Then, mom comes to me saying “I can’t give her more money. Why doesn’t she sell her land? Why is she putting us in this situation?”

I am really upset. I feel sorry for my parents but they keep giving in. I have spoken to my sister and she yells at me saying to mind my own business. I have told her that I will go after her for every penny once our parents are gone and it’s time for the will.

I no longer want to see my parents nor my sister. I schedule and go to every doctor appointment with my parents. My sister never goes. All of my life I have been the one my parents consult with, and I help out with everything. My sister never has time. She is a teacher as I am, and I ask her why is it that I have the extra time and you don’t! I am married with one son, and my husband has 4 children. Together, we put 3 kids through college.

I suffer from stomach problems and have had cancer. I cannot handle the stress anymore. I love my parents but cannot deal with my toxic sister anymore. She is selfish and money hungry. She is going to live next door to my parents. I even pick up my parents mail, as my sister has no time. How do I deal with all this?

Summerlove Tue 25-Aug-20 20:22:32

I’m sorry, this sounds like a rough position to be in.

However, as unfair as it seems, it’s not your business what your parents do with their money. There is no law stating they must give you both equal amounts.

Your parents are choosing to give her more. She isn’t taking it from them.

Now that you have this information, you can choose how you want to interact with them.

Continue to do their bills/appts, or decide that your sister can do it.

Unfortunately you are very unlikely to ever feel things are “fair” at this point.

Good luck.

Summerlove Tue 25-Aug-20 20:23:09

One more thing, it’s not your sister causing the problems. It’s your parents.

Smileless2012 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:44:04

I agree with Summerlove it's your parents who are causing the problem not your sister.

Harris27 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:50:37

I think you’ve been very reasonable but I would leave your sister to,sort your parents out if only for a short time and let her see if she can earn the money she has been given!

Esspee Tue 25-Aug-20 21:13:09

Personally I would put my complaints in writing, (bullet points only) listing where they have treated you differently and tell them you are going to have a one month break to let them think things out.
Leave them to it. They might then realise how much they depend on you.
It is hard to find you have been taken for granted. It happens to so many people, especially women. You just need to stand up to them.

CanadianGran Tue 25-Aug-20 21:44:05

I agree with others in that you really have no control over how your parents spend their money. The only thing you can really do is sit down with them and talk, or take a drastic route and have them declared incompetent of making their own decisions. I think that's a fairly tough legal battle.

Take the high road and keep doing your duty by your parents (as long as it isn't physically draining you). If you stop now it will sadden them and you will later have regrets that you cut off ties with them in their old age. But let your sister know that you are upset and that she is taking advantage of your parents. Shame on her, but I'm afraid these things do happen in families.

V3ra Tue 25-Aug-20 22:32:06

Your sister is a bully and your parents are weak.
If you don't want to be the family Cinderella then you need to change.
Best of luck, I do feel for you.

Hithere Wed 26-Aug-20 03:36:41

You are blaming the wrong person - this is not a sister problem, but a parents one

BlueBelle Wed 26-Aug-20 06:51:20

Did your thread Last June about moving house after 13 years get deleted Allie2

Lucca Wed 26-Aug-20 07:05:58

Post, not thread, Bluebelle. It’s still there.

BlueBelle Wed 26-Aug-20 07:31:22

Lucca there is a thread started by Allie2 called “help house on market and I m a bit lost” but it has been moved which I thought meant deleted June 2019 I wondered if they were connected ?

Allie2 Thu 27-Aug-20 11:50:53

Thank you for your replies. I feel very sad. It’s been 2 days now and neither my mom nor my sister has called me. This is unusual as mom and I talk to each other at least once a day. I’ll wait and see if mom calls. It hurts me to not hear her voice.

Regarding moving house post, yes that was me. We did move house last September. Now, that we have moved my husband says we should have done it years ago. He likes our neighbourhood much better now, and so do I.

FarNorth Thu 27-Aug-20 11:59:02

You have fallen out with your parents over this?
Or told them you are stepping back?

Lucca Thu 27-Aug-20 12:00:41

Bluebelle. Apologies, I think there appear to be both !

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:14:07

We didn’t inherit anything from our parents and didn’t expect to. On the surface of it, it does seem unfair, but our way has always been to make our own way, and anything else is a bonus. Concentrate on your own lives with your children and start to withdraw from your parents would be my advice. Let your sister get on with it. You don’t need the hassle, the money isn’t worth it.

cannotbelieveiamaskingthis208 Thu 27-Aug-20 13:27:29

There is no good answer here. My DH and I were in a similar (though not as blatant) situation with his family and one of his sisters. Years ago she went through the parents house and put stickers on all the items she wants when they die or the house is broken up. It was obnoxious. We know that his mom has given money to one brother (chronically unemployed) but that was her choice.

We decided that we didn't want anything. The siblings can beat each other up for what items are left and if there is any money to split at the end we will get our share.

Once that decision was made we were able to feel much less resentment and our life was better.

Toadinthehole Thu 27-Aug-20 14:35:57

I agree with Disco. It sounds like you have enough to worry about, particularly with your health, which I am sorry about💐. I obviously don’t know how comfortable you are money wise...and if any extra would help, but it certainly isn’t worth this level of animosity. We never had good relationships with parents, and hadn’t seen any of them at all for the last 20 years. They are now all dead. My MIL left my husband considerably less than his siblings, but it was well worth it. We would have paid it anyway, just not to see them. We were surprised to get anything at all to be honest! I had nothing from my parents, presumably all going to my sister who my mum favoured. It hasn’t worried us a jot. We have been happy and healthy with our own lovely family, and now grandchildren. Focus on what’s important, but as * Disco* says, don’t hanker after them any more. They all deserve each other...you don’t need it. All the best.

Allie2 Thu 27-Aug-20 15:26:38

At this point, I don’t know. I want to step back for a bit.

Toadinthehole Thu 27-Aug-20 16:01:48

All the best to you Allie, take care🤗

Bathsheba Thu 27-Aug-20 16:56:30

BlueBelle there was a thread entitled "House on market and I'm a bit lost", posted by mosaicwarts, in April 2019. Allie2 did indeed add a post to the thread in June 2019

Starblaze Thu 27-Aug-20 17:15:04

I also think you have a parent problem. They have favoritised one of you and your sisters personality is the result of that as well as the negative feeling you have towards your immediate family that you are struggling with.

Personally I would stop putting yourself out for them.

It is indeed your parents decision what they do with their money but I understand that it hurts to be the one who always gets the short straw.

Try to let it go. You are the one who has grown up able to keep a relationship and stand on your own two feet independantly.

Your sister and parents seem to think money is love and happiness and they couldn't be more wrong.

Actually you are better off than you think.

Davidhs Thu 27-Aug-20 18:22:25

You are making too much of the £22000 your sister has been given and you certainly should not consider challenging a will on that basis, you will loose.

However, as your sister is living with your parents be very aware she might manipulate them into changing their will to your disadvantage. My recommendation is don’t rock the boat but be aware.

Allie2 Fri 28-Aug-20 19:15:26

So true. It’s now been 5 days and word from my mom. We have never spent this much time not talking. And, she only lives 5 minutes from me. I want to phone her, but what do I say? They (my parents) believe I am wrong. By phoning my mom does that mean I admit I’m wrong? I don’t know what to say if I call her.

ValerieF Fri 28-Aug-20 19:31:25

Wow Allie, if I had suffered from cancer and are so stressed out by my sister, I would just take a step back. Keep going to see your mum and dad out of love rather than what they might leave you. Maybe you are better off than your sister and your parents know this? Being better off doesn't necessarily mean in monetary sense. Maybe you are in a more secure relationship?

Go see your mum and forget about talking Wills and money. It would certainly p*ss most people off if all their kids worried about was what they might get on their demise? Would certainly me anyway.